The Waterboy quotes
- I love my mama.
- Now that’s what I call high quality H2O.
- Excuse me, ladies, while I just go hang myself.
- My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all of them teeth and no toothbrush.
- Look who’s on TV, Mama… it’s the Devil.
- You sound like a big choo-choo train.
- Powerbomb. Compliments of Ca-ca-ca-Captain Insano.
- You can do it! You can do it all night long!
- The waterboy’s a cheater. Cut his head off.
- You can do it! Cut his fucking head off!
- [to Bobby] You don’t have what they call “the social skills.” That’s why you never have any friends, ‘cept fo’ yo’ mama.
- [after Vicki mentions a football game] Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin’ each other… ‘Member when dat man wanted you to play foos-ball, Bobby?
- No son of mine is gonna play any foos-ball.
- Guy Grenouille: [to Bobby] Watch it, needle dick!
- Walter: It’s time to kick some names and take some ass!!
- Paco: I am not what you call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with… with charm, athletic ability… or a functional brain. You see, you’re an inspiration to all of us who… who weren’t born handsome, and charming and cool, and and… [breaks out in tears]
:Coach Klein: [after Bobby demonstrates his tackling ability] Bobby. Bobby! Can you do this for me? Every single game, can you do this?
:Bobby Boucher: Coach, not only will I do it for you, I… I… I… yes, yes, I’ll do it for you.
:Coach Klein: Is there any sport that you do watch? You know, a physical sport? Boxing? Hockey?
:Bobby Boucher: I–wrestling.
:Coach Klein: Wrestling! Wrestling is good. Who’s your favorite wrestler?
:Bobby Boucher: Well, even though he was slightly discourteous to me recently, I’m gonna have to say Captain Insano.
:Coach Klein: kay, okay, I want you to do to Casey…what Captain Insano does to the bad guy. Go.
:[Bobby gouges Casey's eyes, players gasp]
:Casey: He poked me in the eye!
:Bobby Boucher: Captain Insano shows no mercy.
:Coach Klein: I want you to think about all those mean people. They’re gonna be your…tackling fuel.
:Bobby Boucher: Tacklin’ fuel.
:Coach Klein: We’re gonna use them to play football.
:Bobby Boucher: Tacklin’ fuel.
:Coach Klein: I want you to pretend that Casey…is insulting you.
:Bobby Boucher: Pretend?
:Guy Grenouille: Hey, moron! Hey, moron! Duh! L-L-Look at me. I’m th-th-the waterboy. Duh! I got a wooden spoon! Duh!
:[Bobby pictures the people who tormented him in the past]
:Greg Meaney: Smells like you need a shower, stinky! [laughs evilly]
:Coach Red Beaulieu: You’re fired! [laughs condescendingly]
:[Captain Insano and Jim Simmonds laugh]
:Bobby Boucher: [becomes enraged] Stop makin fun of me!
:Guy Grenouille: Red thirty! Hut!
:[Bobby chases Grenouille, screaming, then ramming and tackling him hard to the ground]
:Coach Klein: [in amazement] Wow!
:Derek Wallace: Damn!
:Farmer Fran: Eeeskinnyodo! (unintelligible)
:Bobby Boucher: [after reading a question about Benjamin Franklin] Ben Franklin.
:Young Bobby Boucher: [flashback to Bobby's childhood] Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity?
:Mama Boucher: That’s nonsense, I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the Devil!
:Coach Klein: [after drinking Bobby's water] This is good. This is much better than what I serve.
:Bobby Boucher: [looks up to see a jug of polluted water] That is the water that you serve to your players?
:Coach Klein: Uh huh.
:Bobby Boucher: It is imperative that you allow me to be your waterboy.
:Coach Klein: I can’t hire you. I can’t hire anybody. We’re the poorest footb…
:Bobby Boucher: You do not have to…have to pay me. I-I will do it for free. Just promise me that you will never distribute the contents of that jug to any human person.
:Coach Klein: [pause] That’s a deal.
:Vicki Vallencourt: [after Bobby has gotten his test scores back] Well, welcome to your manhood, Bobby Boucher. When we get a little more time, I’ll welcome you properly.
:Bobby Boucher: Yes, once again, I’m not quite sure what that means…
:Bobby Boucher: Mama, something bad happened today.
:Mama Boucher: [pulls up a knife] Did somebody hurt you, my boy?
:Coach Red Beaulieu: I got something for you. This is his transcript from South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. Now, the problem with that..is there ain’t no South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. So obviously, this is a fake! [crowd gasps] However, this is not a fake. This is from the N-C double A. They don’t think you ought to play football no more. So allow me to say this to you one more time: You’re fired.
:Townie: Oh, no! We suck again!
:Coach Klein: [after football player spits loogie in water tank] Are you all right?
:Bobby Boucher: I wasn’t gonna do nothin’, coach!
:Coach Klein: Well ya better do something. You gotta stick up for yourself, Bobby.
:Bobby Boucher: But what about the finely tuned athletic machine?
:Coach Klein: I am not telling you to go on a shooting rampage!
:Coach Klein: [during half-time at the Bourbon Bowl and while the team is in the locker room] Anybody got an idea? [silence]
:Derek Wallace: Hey, remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake?
:Lyle Robideaux: Yeah, that was pretty funny. How ’bout the time Bobby tackled the guy from Louisville, and threw him into the stands?
:Guy Grenouille: Y’all remember the time he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off, and he ran for the touchdown bare ass?
:[Everybody laughs again]
:Farmer Fran: Remember the time Bobby Boucher… [begins to mumble in an unintelligible southern drawl, everyone stares at him]
:Bobby Boucher: [shows up in the locker room by surprise] Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl, do ya?
:[Everybody starts cheering and shouting]
:[on the field, the opposing quarterback's head turns into Coach Klein's and taunts Bobby]
:Coach Klein: [in Bobby's imagination] Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too, idiot.
:Bobby Boucher: You’re-You’re-You’re drinkin’ the wrong water.
:[the opposing kicker's head turns into Coach Klein's and taunts Bobby]
:Coach Klein: Gatorade.
:Bobby Boucher: H2O.
:Coach Klein: Gatorade.
:Bobby Boucher: [pleading] H2O!
:Opposing Offensive Line: [all with Coach Klein's head, singing] Water sucks. It really, really sucks. Water sucks. It really, really SUCKS!
:Mama Boucher: You gonna lose all your fancy “foos’ ball” games! And your gonna fail your big exam! Because school is-
:Bobby Boucher: -the devil?
:Bobby Boucher: Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I’m gonna keep doin’ them both because they make me feel good! [runs out, slamming the door, then comes back in] And by the way, Mama. Alligators are ornery ’cause of their “medulla oblongata”! [runs back out, then back in again] And I like Vicki, and she like me back! [almost in tears by this point] And she showed me her boobies and I like them too! [slams the door on Mama]
:[Bobby is speaking to a group of kids at a sports camp]
:Lawrence Taylor: Tell me, what is your secret? How do you find yourself in the right position all the time?
:Bobby Boucher: That-that-that’s a good question. What-what happens is, the-the-the center has-has the ball first. And-and-and the quarterback will say, “Hike.” That’s when the c-center puts the ball in-into the hands of the quarterback. So what I do is, I-I start tacklin’ the quarterback, unless he give the ball to-to s-somebody else, in which case, I-I try to tackle that person.
:Lawrence Taylor: Gentleman, which brings me to my next point: Don’t smoke crack.
:Paco: [after watching Bobby tackle a player] The waterboy is killing em! He’s the best tackler I seen since Joe Montana.
:Walter: Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot.
:Paco: I said “Joe Mantegna”.
:Guy Grenouille: Nice going, shithead. You lost us the football game.
:Bobby Boucher: Sorry. Will you still be my friend?
:Guy Grenouille: No, get away.
:Brent Musburger: That’s the half, and the Mud Dogs trail this one, big, 27-0. We’ll see if Coach Klein can make any adjustments, for the second half.
:Dan Fouts: [taking off headset] Well, they’d better, ’cause they suck.
:Dan Fouts: The waterboy just needed some water!
:Brent Musburger: [his voice oozing with sarcasm] Wow, Dan, you think that up all by yourself?
:Dan Fouts: Shut up, Brent.
:Lynn Swann: You gonna add another championship trophy to the old case downstairs?
:Coach Red Beaulieu: That’s kinda like my old man, Lynn. The only thing better than a crawfish dinner, is five crawfish dinners.
:Guy Grenouille: I don’t want that loser on the team. Everybody’s gonna laugh at us.
:Lyle Robideaux: Everybody already is laughing at us. We haven’t won a game since nineteen ninety-four.
:Dan Fouts: Bobby Boucher sure knocked the poop out of him.
:Brent Musburger: [looks at Dan, startled] Poop??!?
:Bobby Boucher: So that’s what a can of whoop-ass feels like.
:Coach Klein: Son, you just opened up a whole case of whoop-ass!!!
:Mama Boucher: Bobby, dey ever catch dat gorilla that busted outa da zoo and punched you in da eye?
:Bobby Boucher: No, Mama, the search continues.
:Bobby Boucher: Nice hit, Mama.
:Mama Boucher: Thanks, baby. Now go on, have fun becomin’ a man.
- The WaterBoy Is The Devil!
- A Man With A Serious Drinking Problem.
- High-Quality H20.
- Instant Hero. Just Add Water.
- You Can Mess With Him, But Don’t Mess With His Water.
- Everybody Will Feel His Pain On November 6.
- Adam Sandler – Robert “Bobby” Boucher
- Kathy Bates – Helen “Mama” Boucher
- Henry Winkler – Coach Klein
- Fairuza Balk – Vicki Vallencourt
- Jerry Reed – Coach Red Beaulieu
- Peter Dante – Guy Grenouille
- Rob Schneider – Townie