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The Simpsons Season 9

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01]

:Moe: [as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the 2 barflies (Larry the Wife Dodger and Sam the Ear Bender) walk in] Yeah, alright, listen up guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.
:[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]
:Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having Designated Drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We’ll choose the same way they pick the Pope… [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg; whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.
:Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!
:Lisa: Dad, you can’t judge a place you’ve never been to.
:Bart: Yeah, that’s what people do in Russia.
:Homer: I’m gettin’ out of this town alive if it kills me!
:[Homer tries Klav Kalash from a street vendor]
:Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
:Klav Kalash vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice.
:Homer: Blech! Ew! Geez! I’ll take a crab juice.

The Principal and the Pauper [9.02]

:Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
:Bart: Not if you called ‘em stench blossoms.
:Homer: Or crapweeds.
:Marge: I’d sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine’s Day. I’d rather have candy.
:Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.
:Skinner: The judge offered me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.

Lisa’s Sax [9.03]

:[The "All in the Family" opening:]
:Homer: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played…
:Marge: Movies John Travolta made…
:Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed…
:Homer & Marge: Those were the days!
:Marge: And you knew where you were then…
:Homer: Watching shows like “Gentle Ben”…
:Homer & Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
:Homer: “Disco Duck” and Fleetwood Mac…
:Marge: Coming out of my eight-track…
:Homer & Marge: Michael Jackson still was black…Those were the daaayyyys!
:Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I’d like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]
:Young Grandpa: Homer, you’re as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
:Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood.

Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04]

:[The French neutron bomb nearly hits Kang and Kodos' ship]
:Kodos: What the hell was that?!
:Kang: (speaking into microphone) Calling home planet! This is Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!
:Superior Rigellian: (on Rigel VII) Suuuure, Kang, I’m writing it all down.
:[He and his fellow superiors laugh amongst themselves]
:Mayor Quimby: You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.
:Maude Flanders:(Looks at witches) Oh, Neddie, look at them up there, plotting our doom. They could force us to do wanton acts of carnality.
:Ned Flanders:(scoffs) Yeah, that’ll be the day.
:Homer:You’re mutants?
:Moe:Uh, we don’t like the word ‘mutants’, Homer. We prefer ‘freaks’ or ‘monsters’.

The Cartridge Family [9.05]

:Gun Shop Owner: Whoa, careful there, Annie Oakley.
:Homer: I don’t have to be careful, I’ve got a gun.
:Marge: I’m sorry Homer, no weapons.
:Homer: A gun is not a weapon. It’s a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or…uh, a…an alligator.
:Moe: [At an NRA meeting] So last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.
:Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do, Moe?
:Moe: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation but, luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine.
:[Audience cheers and applauds]
:Moe: Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!
:Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren’t toys! They’re for home defense, hunting dangerous or delicious animals and keepin’ the King of England out of your face!

Bart Star [9.06]

:Todd Flanders:We don’t have to play football, do we Daddy?
:Ned Flanders:Oh, you betcha! Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.
:Rod and Todd Flanders:Yeah!
:Marge:You shouldn’t pressure Bart like that.
:Homer:Well, if you have a better way of living through my son I’d like to hear it.
:Homer:My father never believed in me. Well, I’m not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I’m gonna be kinder to my son, and meaner to my dad.[Homer walks outside to where he forced Bart to run laps] Quit runnin’ son. I just wanna give you a big hug.
:Bart’s mind: It’s gotta be a trick, run like the wind.
:Homer:[talking to his football team] Good practice team. Ok, its time for the easiest part of any coach’s job-the cut. Now, while I wasn’t able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.
:Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I’ll never encourage you again.
:Nelson’s Father: Good game, son. Come on, I’m taking you to Hooters.
:Nelson: Ah… I don’t wanna bother mom at work.
:Joe Namath: Excuse me, son.
:Bart: Wow, you’re Joe Namath!
:Joe Namath: That’s right. My car broke down in front of your house.
:Bart: I cannot believe you are here! Do you think you could give me a few pointers?
:Joe Namath: Sure. There’s only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback.
:Joe Namath’s wife: Joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock.
:Joe Namath: O.K., look, I gotta run. [heading back to his car] Remember what I told you!
:Bart: [returns to practicing throwing the football] O.K. Bart, concentrate.
:Bart’s thoughts: Remember what I told you… Just one thing… My car broke down… I’m Joe Namath… My car broke down… It was just vapor lock… vapor lock… vapor lock…
:Bart: I’m dead.

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07]

:Apu: Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
:Homer: It’s you.
:Grampa:Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.
:Homer: You’re already in a home.
:Grampa: Oh how could you!
:Homer:Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
:Moe:Booze, booze, and more booze.
:Lenny:Ha. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.
(Bar flies mumble affirmatively)

Lisa the Skeptic [9.08]

:Lisa:Principal Skinner. Remember when I didn’t sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well I’m calling in a favor.
:Principal Skinner:I knew this day would come. [voice over intercom] Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.
:Homer: [scoffs] Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that’s remotely true.
:Moe:Science! What has science ever done for us? TV off. [TV turns off]
:Lisa: Oh my goodness.
:Milhouse: What is it Lisa?
:Lisa: It looks like a human skeleton, but these other bones almost look like wings.
:Ned: You mean like an angel!
:Lisa: Well obviously that is impossible.
:Moe: Yeah, Lisa’s right, it’s an angel!
:Flanders: Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you’re straining to do some explaining.
:Chief Wiggum: Yeah, everyone’s heard of angels, but who’s ever heard of a “Neanderthal”?
:Lisa: It could be anything! It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant!
:Mr. Burns: Oh, fiddle faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I’ve said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
:Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
:Mr. Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you’re finished.
:Lisa: Because it doesn’t make any sense at all! If you believe in angels why not unicorns or elves, or leprechauns?
:Kent Brockman: Oh that’s ridiculous Lisa, everyone knows leprechauns are extinct!
:Homer: [singing] Here’s the angel! See the angel! It’s my angel! No one else’s! Next to the rakes!
:Lisa: I don’t think you should call this thing an angel. You don’t have any proof.
:Homer: Now Lisa, if you look closely you’ll notice I never once used the word “angel.”
:Lisa: What about the sign?
:[She points at a sign which says "angel" in huge letters]
:Homer: Err… that’s a typo.
:Lisa: Oh, I wish I’d never found those stupid bones. It’s time to put an end to this. Bart, I’m borrowing your blue crowbar.
:Bart: Good old bluey.
:Marge: Hey, she’s going to smash the angel.
:Homer: Somebody stop her! [no-one moves]
:Judge: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity – a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.
:Prosecuting lawyer: Your Honor, over the coming weeks and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed-
:Lenny: [points to window] There’s the angel!
:[Murmuring]
:[The courtroom empties]
:Judge: I find the defendant not guilty. As for Science versus Religion, I’m issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from Science at all times.

Realty Bites [9.09]

:Homer:Trying is the 1st step toward failure.
:Homer:Seat belts!? They kill more people than they save.
:Lisa:That’s not true. You’re thinking of airbags!
:Chief Wiggam:This is Wiggam, reporting a 318-waking a police officer!
:[Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer]
:Bart, Lisa, and Marge: Oh, on the closing day, the escrow agents pay, taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!
:Bart: They back your baaaaank!
:Homer: You’re all nuts.
:Lionel Hutz: Marge, I had a lot of calls about you. Customers love your no-pressure approach.
:Marge: Well, like we say, the right house for the right person.
:Lionel Hutz: Listen, it’s time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. “The right house” is the house that’s for sale; the “right person” is anyone.
:Marge: But all I did was tell the truth!
:Lionel Hutz: Of course you did. But there’s “the truth” (shakes head) and “the truth!” (smiles wide). Let me show you.
:Marge: It’s awfully small.
:Lionel Hutz: I’d say it’s awfully “cozy.”
:Marge: That’s dilapidated.
:Lionel Hutz: Rustic.
:Marge: That house is on fire!
:Lionel Hutz: “Motivated seller”!
:Marge: Thank you, Bart, thank you, Lisa, for all your help!
:Homer: What about me? You didn’t thank me!
:Bart: You didn’t do anything.
:Homer: I like being thanked.

Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10]

:Sideshow Mel:You only live once!
:Apu:Hey, speak for yourself!
(After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything)
:Moe: [disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.
:Barney: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
(Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table)
:Marge: “You’ll all get yours in Hell, you lying thieving…” (hesitates): “blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe.”
:Homer: Oh, great, we have to write him a thank-you card, too.
:Marge: Homer, I know you’re used to getting hate mail, but I’m not.
:Homer:Marge, kids, let’s go buy some happiness!
:Lisa: This year’s tree is just perfect! That aluminum one was so fake!
:Marge: I couldn’t agree more! From now on it’s plastic all the way!
:Lisa: Hey, why don’t we walk over to Grampa’s and cheer up the old folks? That’ll make us feel better!
:Homer: [moans] Okay, but they’ll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy!
:Bart: Hey, since when is Christmas just about presents? Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day… the birth of Santa?
:Wiggum: Now, um, what did this Christmas thief look like?
:Bart: Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, a big scar on his cheek.
:Wiggum: Anything unusual?
:Homer: Is this car $15,000?
:Salesman: [rubs off the $12,000 price tag] It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I’ll throw in the undercoating for two hund- No, four hundred and ninety bucks!
:Homer: What a deal! I’d be a sucker not to get it!
:Bart: I don’t know about this, dad, shouldn’t we give the money to charity or some- Oww!
:Salesman: Oh, I’m sorry, I jammed you with my pen.
:Bart: Oww! You’re still doing it!
:Salesman: I know.
:Kent: Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield’s favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief if he’s watching?
:Homer: Eh, yes… Kent. Uh, hello… jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing’s for sure… you do exist.
:Kent: Strong words, strong bewildering words.
:Kent: So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?
:Marge: [annoyed]‘ How’d you think I felt?
:Kent: Absolutely devastated? [turns to camera] “Absolutely devastated,” the words of a heartbroken mother.
:Bart: There was no burglar. I accidentally burned up the tree. And the presents. I’m really sorry.
:Lisa: Why you little! [Runs over and starts strangling Bart]
:Homer: Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! [He strangles Bart]
:Moe: Sounds like you’re having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
:Homer: [Drunk] Yeah, you’re right Moe… you’re always Moe.
:Kent: In my long career, I’ve seen some pretty shabby things. But this putrid fraud out stinks them all.
:Camera Man: Aaaaaaand cut.
:Kent: I just wanna thank you folks so much. This has turned out to be a really great story for me!

All Singing, All Dancing [9.11]

:Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?
:Homer: Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don’t hold your breath.
:Homer: Singing is the lowest form of entertainment.
:Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
:Homer: No I don’t, I hate to rhyme.
:[All singing]
:Lisa: You like musicals, don’t you dad?
:Homer: No, I don’t, I think they’re bad.
:They’re fake and phony and totally wrong.
:Bart: Wake up dad, you’re singing a song.
:Homer: I wouldn’t, I couldn’t, I hate that stuff.
:Marge: Now Homer, listen, I’ve had enough.
:In our family videos we have clearly seen,
:you’re a singing, dancing, entertainment machine.
:Snake: [singing] A singing family, it’s worse than I feared…
:For hostage purposes, you’re just too weird! Bye!

Bart Carny [9.12]

:Cooder: [Explaining the ring toss booth] The main thing is to bring in the rubes.
:Spud: Do whatever it takes. Sweet talk, insults, slang from the ’30s that no one uses anymore.
:Bart: Like “rubes”?
:Spud: Now you’re on the trolley.
:Carnival Owner: Some say the skeleton of Hitler himself is in the trunk. But, I’m a busy man, and I haven’t had the time to look.
:Cooder: Hey, you lost your money fair and square! I didn’t scam nobody!
:Homer: [laughing] Put down your stick. We’re here to work.
:Bart: Starting today, we’re Carnies, just like you.
:Cooder: Well, in that case, let me show you how I scammed you.
:Nelson: You wrecked Hitler‘s car! What did he ever do to you?
:Homer: The experts say that if you want an animal to do something, you should do it yourself first to show him how.
:Marge: [angry] I’m not going to the bathroom in the backyard!
:Homer: Sorry, your majesty.
:Chief Wiggum: Word around here is your game is crooked.
:Homer: And how!
:Chief Wiggum: Well, perhaps we can come to an “understanding”.
:Homer: I understand.
:Bart: Uh, Dad?
:Homer: Not now, son. Daddy’s talking to the policeman.
:Chief Wiggum: Let me put it to you this way. I’m looking for my friend Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here?
:Homer: No. He’s Bart.
:Chief Wiggum: Okay, let’s try this again and watch as I wink each time. The man I’m really looking for, wink, is Mr Bribe. Wink, wink!
:Homer: It’s a ring toss game!
:Chief Wiggum: That’s it, I’m shutting this place down!
:[Later on]
:Cooder: Why didn’t you offer them a bribe?
:Homer: I tried but the opportunity never came up!
:Homer: Carnies took over our house, you’ve gotta help us!
:Chief Wiggum: Well well, look who’s here, Mr. No-bribe! Sure, we’ll help you, just sit down and wait for detective like I give a damn!
:Homer: Thank you so much!
:Lisa: Uh, Dad…
:Homer: Honey, daddy’s waiting for the detective.
:Marge: We can’t just give up on our house. There’s got to be a way to get these guys out of there.
:Bart: I say we set fire to the house, kill them that way.
:Marge: We don’t want to kill them, we just want our home back!
:Lisa: Well… if we did set fire to the house-
:Marge: No fires!
:Homer: I’ve got it!
:Marge: No fires!
:Homer: Aw.
:Marge: There must be a way to outsmart them.
:Homer: Uh, you can’t outsmart carnival folk. They’re the cleverest folks in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with those crooked games- That’s it! Fire!

The Joy of Sect [9.13]

:Homer:I always say-a boy can learn more at an airport then he can at any school.
:Marge: I’ve never heard of these Movementarians; are they some kind of church?
:Homer: Who cares what it is? The point is that these are some decent generous people that I can take advantage of.
:Marge: But what if they try to talk us into something?
:Homer: Marge, Marge, Marge [chuckles]. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?
:Marge: You bought four of them! Thank God the check bounced.
:Homer: So I beat the system.
:Lisa: Watch yourself, Dad. You’re the highly suggestible type.
:Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.
:Rev. Lovejoy: (preaching at church) This so called “New Religion” is nothing more than a bunch of weird rituals designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let’s say the Lord’s Prayer 40 times but first let’s pass the collection plate!
:Sect Member: Your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years, then something might open up in a double.
:Homer: Why even unpack?
:Homer: Wait, I’m confused about the movie … so the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?
:Man: What are you talking about? There’s nothing like that in there.
:Homer: Well, you see when I get bored I make up my own movies. I have a very short attention span
:Lady: But our point is very simple, you see when…
:Homer: Oh look! A bird! Hee hee hee!
:[Homer runs after the bird]
:Glen: Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property! We must respond with our deadliest weapon!
:Jane: [menacingly] The lawyers!
:Lisa: It’s wonderful to think for ourselves again.
:Bart: You said it, sister.
:TV voice-over: You are watching Fox.
:Homer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa: We are watching Fox.

Das Bus [9.14]

:Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect–
:Bart: Point of “odor,” Lisa stinks.
:(children laugh)
:Sherri/Terri: Hey, leave her alone.
:Nelson: You leave her alone.
:(children are all shouting at each other)
:Ralph: [singing] O, Canada!
:{Principal Skinner restores order by banging his shoe on the desk}
:Principal Skinner: Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
:Nelson: [taking an orange out of the cooler) Hey Simpson, race ya!
:Bart: [taking an apple out] First one to the front of the bus gets Martin’s lunch money!
:Martin: Wha?
:[The two put their fruits on the floor of the bus, beginning to roll to the front]
:Bart: Go Apple!
:Nelson: Go Orange!
:(Ralph puts a banana, which does not roll, on the floor)
:Ralph: Go Banana!
:Bart: It’ll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We’ll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!
:Sherri/Terri: I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s!
:Janey: This is all Lisa’s fault! She had the idea of that stupid UN club!
:Lisa: Hey, Martin stood for the motion. It’s entirely his fault!
:Nelson: People, people, let’s not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse’s fault!
:Lisa: All we could find are these purple, oozing berries, and I don’t think they’re edible.
:Ralph: I eated the purple berries.
:Bart: How are they Ralph? Good?
:Ralph: [collapsing in pain] They taste like burning.
:Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now!

The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15]

:Krusty: Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What’s my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin’ a schvitz!
:Jay Leno: He seems reluctant.
:Bart: Tell him it will count towards his community service.
:Krusty: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I’ll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you’re payin’ for it the rest of your life.
:[Moe is presenting Krusty's return to comedy]
:Moe: Hi, how’re you folks doin’? I’m Moe, or as the ladies like to call me,”hey you, behind the bushes”. [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?
:Barney: No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]
:Homer: Heh heh heh, from now on, I’m gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you’re getting a little fat around the old thighs!
:Bart: Dad!
:Homer: You too, Bart!
:Marge: Oh, knock it off, Homer; you’re the fattest one in the car!
:Homer: [shocked] You didn’t have to tell it like it is, Marge!
:Marge: Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes!
:[Bart and Lisa sigh]
:Bart: What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals.
:Homer: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn’t have caught him.
:Comedian: I finally got around to reading the dictionary…turns out the Zebra did it!
:[The crowd laughs]
:Homer: I don’t get it.
:Lisa: Dad, the Zebra didn’t do it, its just a word at the end of the dictionary.
:Homer: I still don’t get it.
:Lisa: It’s just a joke.
:Homer: Oooh! I get it! I get jokes. [Laughs]

Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16]

:Homer:(drunk at Moe’s) Here’s to Marge! And all the blissful years I’ve spent hiding from her in this bar!
:Moe: It’s been four years since my last date with a whatchoo-call-it, uh, woman.
:Moe: No girl wants to end up with a Joe Pukepail like me.
:Homer: Now, now, I won’t hear of it, Moe! You’re a fabulous catch!
:’Moe: Oh yeah? Well how come I ain’t fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?
:Homer: Oh, it’s probably due to your ugliness, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find you a woman. C’mon! We’re going to the darkest bar in town!
:Homer:Don’t give up Moe. The girl of your dreams has gotta be in some bar.
:Moe: [upon hearing his player's club card is maxed out] Well, that’s it. It’s over. Renee ain’t gonna want to hang around with no Joe pinch-penny.
:Homer: Come on, Moe. Think of all the things you have to offer her besides money.
:Moe: I need cash, and fast!
:Homer: Why don’t you sell your car?
:Moe: Ah, my car ain’t worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.
:Homer: Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.
:Marge: [in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car!
:Homer: I’ll do it!
:Homer: (scooting a cart of book to Moe’s Tavern with his right leg) Must kill Moe! (holds onto the cart, riding along happily) WHHEEEEE!!! (goes back to scooting) Must kill Moe…! (holds again) WHHEEEEE!!!
:Moe: Homer! Thank God! You gotta help me!
:Homer: [picks up a flaming 2x4] Oh I’ll help you…HELP YOU DIE!
:Barney: [emerging from the bathroom to see Homer and Moe unconcious] Moe! Homer! [screams as he sees the fire heading towards the counter] AAAH! THE BOOZE!
:Moe: Oh, Homer! I’ve been the world’s biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?
:Homer: Aww, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk!
:Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!
:Bart: Yeah, mom says a lot of things.
:Homer: Oh, I understand, kids. I’m not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.

Lisa the Simpson [9.17]

:Grampa:(talking to Lisa) Your dad used to be as smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettin’ lazy. Now he’s a dumb as a chimp.
:Troy McClure:Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as “Alice Doesn’t Live Anymore” and “Mommy, What’s Wrong with that Man’s Face?”
:Grampa: (about Lisa) Aw, she’s just upset ’cause I told her her brain’s turnin’ to mush. On accout of the Simpson Gene!
:Marge: “Simpson Gene?” That’s just foolishness!
:Grampa: Nope. Baldness, too!
:Lisa: Dear log, can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening? Wait, that’s not how you spell dumbening. Wait, dumbening isn’t even a word … hmm, I’ve got to find out more!
:Lisa: I’m strongly opposed to Proposition umm 3-3-0-5…
:TV Producer: You’re against discount bus fares for war widows?
:Lisa: You bet I am!
:Lisa: [on TV] I’m supposed to be talking to you today about Proposition 3305…
:Homer: Moochin’ war widows!
:[Talking about Lisa]
:Bart: She insulted us, Mom. She thinks she is so great. I’ll dance on her grave.
:Marge: Bart!
:Bart: [clueless] What? Oh, napkin, right.
:Rod and Todd: [Reading the offensive baseball cap] Show…me…your- Hey!
:[Ned covers their eyes]
:Ned: It says show me your tie. It’s cute. C’mon let’s go!

This Little Wiggy [9.18]

:Ralph Wiggum:I found a moon rock in my nose.
:Bart: Your dad is chief of police, doesn’t he have any cool police stuff?
:Ralph: Just in his closet, but he said I’m not allowed to go in there.
:Bart: Did he say I’m not allowed to go in there?
:Ralph: Yes.
:Chief Wiggum:(to Ralph) You know you’re not suppose to go in there. What is your fascination with my “Forbidden Closet of Mystery?”
:Ralph Wiggum: The pointy kitty took it away! (after a rat stole his key)
:(Lisa’s model rocket flies into Mr. Burns’s office at the nuclear plant)
:Mr. Burns: Smithers! There’s a rocket in my pocket!
:Smithers (suggestively): You don’t have to tell me, sir.
:Bart: Whoa, mama, the electric chair! (sniffs) Smell that, Ralph? That’s the smell of justice.
:Ralph: Smells like hot dogs.
:Lisa: What a whimsical building. Who says science can’t be fun?
:Bart: Me. I smell a museum.
:Homer: Yeah, good things don’t end with -eum, they end with -mania, or –teria.

Simpson Tide [9.19]

:Captain Tenille: I’m a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?
:Homer: Is a poop deck really what I think it is?
:Captain Tenille: [chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.
:Homer: What’s a jib?
:Captain Tenille: [laughs] Promote that man.
:Captain Tenille: Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?.
:Homer: [straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peeeas…
:Captain Tenille: Oh, we all want peace! But it’s always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what’s the best way to get peace?.
:Homer: [reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.
:Captain Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you’re like the son I never had.
:Homer: And you’re like the father I never visit.
:Announcer: Daybreak: Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are fighting for freedom. But you’re in Lubbock, Texas, hosing stains off a monument. You’re in the Naval Reserve. America’s seventeenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the League of Women Voters. After basic training, you’ll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you’re drunk off your ass.
:Barney: May day, may day! The engine room has sprung a leak! It’s filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!
:Homer: You mean water?
:Barney: Yeah, that’s it.
:Man with Eye Patch: Lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I forgot to take the little parasol out.
:Homer: Well, I guess that’s everyone. Except earring boy!
:Bart: Come on, dad didn’t you do anything wild when you were a kid?
:Homer: Well, when I was 10 I got my ears pierced. But this is completely different!
:Marge: What on earth possessed you to getting an earring?
:Bart: Milhouse has one!
:Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-
:Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I’m there!
:Milhouse: Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
:Bart: Milhouse, my Mom wears earrings. Do you think she’s cool?
:Milhouse: No! I think she’s hot! Sorry… it just slipped out.
:Principal Skinner: Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you’re of Gypsy obstraction.
:Milhouse: Well, uh, I’m a Gypsy.
:Principal Skinner: Oh, really! Prove it.
:Milhouse: Uh, I vant to suck your blood!
:Principal Skinner: Nuh-uh, that’s a vampire. But, uh, they’re also covered. Carry on!
:Homer: Well guys, I won’t be seeing you for a while.
:Barney: Where you going?
:Homer: I’ve joined the Naval Reserve!
:Barney: Well, I’m not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I’m joining too!
:Moe: Well I’m not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I’m joining too!
:Apu: And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey! I’m in too!
:Homer: See you in a week!
:Lisa: Good luck, Dad! Although I’m morally opposed to the Military Industrial Complex of which you are now a part.
:Homer: Aw, that’s sweet, honey. I’ll bring you back a hat.
:Bart: Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.
:Homer: No.
:Bart: But Flanders got his kids torpedoes!
:Homer: Oh, he did, did he? I’ll show him! I’ll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!
:Marge: Homer!
:Homer: But only if you’re good! … Even if you’re not.
:Doughnut 1: Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the population of the planet of the doughnuts!
:Doughnut 2: As Homer’s defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu… hey! Did you just take a bite out of me?
:Homer: Uh… maybe.
:Homer: We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light
:[He starts clapping]
:Marge: We don’t have a clapper!
:Homer: [Clapping] Sorry, can’t hear you, Marge. I’m clapping!
:[Homer claps for several seconds before throwing the lamp out the window]
:Homer: Nightie night!

The Trouble with Trillions [9.20]

:[Scrambling to complete his taxes]
:Homer: Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I’ll just estimate! Uh . . . nine!
:Marge:Homer, you know we don’t have–
:Homer: Shut up! Shut up! If I don’t hear you, it’s not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions… Oh, business gifts! [hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch] Here you go, keep using nuclear power.
:Marge: Homer, I painted that for you.
:Homer: Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa’s a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam!
:Bart: Cool!
:Marge: I put the tax forms on the top of your “to do” pile a month ago!
:Homer: I have a “to do” pile!?
:Mr. Burns: [Pointing to a display case] Oh, you’ll find this amusing: the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in.
:Agent Johnson: We believe Burns still has the bill hidden somewhere in his house, but all we’ve ascertained from satellite photos is that it’s not on the roof.
:[Homer checks out the trillion dollar bill]
:Homer: Wow, that must be worth a fortune.
:Agent Johnson: Homer, cover your ears while I say the secret word. [Homer obeys and Johnson goes closer to the booth] ”Cheese!
:[the film projector runs]
:Film Narrator: Good morning, Agent Johnson.
:[As Homer and Agent Johnson leave, Apu and his wife enter the booth]
:Apu: Say cheese!
:Film Narrator: Good morning, Agent Johnson.
:[Mr. Burns, Smithers and Homer are looking for an island to create a new country in]
:Mr. Burns: Look at that island. That looks free enough.
:Smithers: Sir, that’s Cuba!
:Mr Burns: See with your eyes, not with your hands!
:Fidel Castro: Please! We are all amigos here!
:Homer: Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba!
:[Mr. Burns reluctantly hands over the money]
:Mr. Burns: Now give it back.
:Fidel Castro: Give what back?
:Mr. Burns:If it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I’m guilty of that too. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that!
:Homer:God bless America!

Girly Edition [9.21]

:Store Clerk: May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?
:Homer: Oh, I’m not handicapped. I’m just lazy.
:Principal Skinner: Lisa, Channel Six is launching a childrens news program, and they’ve asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor child.
:Lisa: [Gasps] Oh my god! Today’s top story, little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true.
:Principal Skinner: Lisa, I’ve selected you to be that child anchor.
:Lisa: I know, I already jumped to that conclusion.
:Principal Skinner: Alright, if you’re so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunch room monitor?
:Lisa: Me?
:Principal Skinner: Take your sash and go!
:(Bart has aired a segment of “Bart’s People” featuring the man that fed the ducks, but they left to the other side of the pond)
:Mr. Burns: (sniffling) Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
:Smithers: There’s no maybe about it, sir.
:Mr. Burns: Excellent.
:Lisa: They want sentiment? I’ll pump ‘em so full of sap they’ll have to blow their nose with a pancake!
:Bart: I’ll show Lisa who’s dumb!
:[He picks up newspaper]
:Bart: Supreme Court reverses…uuuhh, I won’t turn to the comics, I won’t turn to the comics! All right, I’ll read one comic just to get me rolling. Archie: Hey, Jughead, did you hear, the Supreme Court reversed…ooohh!

Trash of the Titans [9.22]

:Homer:I never apologize, Lisa. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.
:Homer: This is a very, very proud day for us! Especially me, your father, me, beat City Hall! It’s just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won!
:Patterson: Sorry I’m late, [accusingly to Homer] somebody tampered with my brakes.
:Homer: Well you should have been on time then!
:Chief Wiggum: HA! HA! He got you there, Ray.
:Patterson: I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
:Homer: Well you better turn up your hearing aid, Pops!
:Patterson: Pops? I’m only 2 years older than you.
:Homer: Do we want old-man Patterson here with his finger on the button?
:Patterson: WHAT BUTTON!? What the hell are you talking about?!
:Homer: [mocking] Wha..wha..what button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?
:Moe: You’re gonna need to come up with a slogan that people are gonna remember you by.
:Homer: Awwh, can’t someone else do it?
:Moe: Can’t someone else do it… that’s PERFECT.
:Homer: Really?
:Homer: Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money?
:Bart: Dealing drugs?
:Lisa: Drugs?
:Marge: I’ll have to say drugs too
:Homer: Close, but you’re way off.
:[Homer calmly enters his office with a briefcase, where he is greeted by a bunch of angry sanitation workers]
:Garbageman #1: Where are our paychecks, you bum?
:Head Garbageman: My men ain’t working one more minute until we get paid.
:[Homer unhinges briefcase to reveal stacks of money]
:Homer: Will cash do?
:Head Garbageman: Will it ever!
:[Mayor Quimby barges into Homer's office]
:Mayor Quimby: Did I just hear a briefcase opening?

King of the Hill [9.23]

:Rainier Wolfcastle: McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!
:[As Marge uses a telescope to look up at the mountain Homer just climbed]
:Marge: Is that your wallet?
:Homer: D’OH!!!
:[Homer decides to take up running]
:Homer: Well, let’s get started. [Begins to run, and when he is almost kneeling for exhaustion, sees he only got as far as the mailbox "Flanders"] D’oh!
:Homer: If you’re trying to scare me, it won’t work. I’m 100% focused on my goal. Hey, my hat has ear-flaps.
:Homer: I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I’m told. That’s why I’m compressing 5 pounds of spaghetti into one handy mouth-sized bar. [He swallows the bar. Then dials the phone] Hospital, please.
:Marge: Hmmmm… anyway, it’s time for the church picnic.
:Homer: What? They had a picnic last week.
:Marge: No, they didn’t! You just brought a bucket of chicken to church!
:Homer: I’m getting light headed. Good, no heavy head to carry.
:[A portable toilet is knocked over, exposing Comic Book Guy]
:Comic Book Guy: Oh! It appears I will have to find a new Fortress of Solitude.

Lost Our Lisa [9.24]

:Bus Driver: Last stop! [evilishly] End of the line! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!!
:Homer:I know I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please, save me, Superman!
:Homer:Stupid risks are what make life worth living.
:[as Homer and Lisa are breaking into the Springfield Museum]
:Homer: Lisa, could you get the window? The police have Daddy’s prints on file.
:[Lisa finds herself in an ethnic part of Springfield]
:Lisa: [to herself] Huh, I didn’t know Springfield had a Russian district. [comes across two men playing chess] Uh, excuse me. I’m kinda lost. Can you tell me how to get to the museum?
:Man 1: [angrily] Moe udovoljstvie! Muzej – shestj blokov tot putj! [My pleasure! The museum is six blocks that way!]
:[Lisa runs off screaming]
:Man 1: [calmly] Ona poshla nepraviljnyj putj. [She went the wrong way.]
:Man 2: [makes his move] Porazhenie. [Checkmate.]
:Man 1: [throws the board on the ground] Horoshaja igra! Kak o drugom?! [Good game! How about another?!]
:Lisa: Are you sure you don’t want to go to the doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.
:Homer: Naw, I’ll just walk it off.
:”[Bart is apologizing to Lisa behind the door, not knowing she's not in her room)
:Bart: Hey Lise, I'm sorry I ruined your Egyptian thing. We're still buds, right!? Okay be that way, be a big stupid jerk. Oh, you're not the jerk...I am...forgive me? Oh, like you're Miss Perfect! Mom, Lisa's making me feel bad!
:Marge: Stop it, Lisa!
:Bart: That shut her up.
:Burns: Shouldn't you be at work right now?
:Homer: Ah yes sir, Mr. Burns, sir!
:Burns: Well then, get back to wherever it is you work... whoever you are!
:Homer: Maybe, but you don't know Lisa, I mean she's so smart they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things, but she had so much knowledge, it overloaded, and then it got really hot and caught on fire!
:Carl: That never happened, did it, Homer?
:Homer: Ah, yes, but now I have to leave on a totally unrelated matter.
:Lisa: Stupid bus can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go!
:Marge: In a few years when you're old enough to drive, then you can take the bus!
:Milhouse: Woah! Looking sharp!
:Bart: Well, thanks gov'nor!
:[The novelties fall off Bart's face]
:Milhouse: If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they’ll stick better!
:Bart: Milhouse, I’m not going to take dog doo that’s been on the DIRTY ground and put it on my face!
:Milhouse: Hey Bart, what’s your favorite thing about teachers conference day?
:Bart: Hmm, well, I guess that we don’t have to go to school-
:Milhouse: Wow, mine too! While we’re out having fun, and walking around like crazy, those teachers are cooped up in school like morons!
:[Camera cuts to the teachers]
:Principal Skinner: Well, here we go again-
:[All the teachers are on a rollercoaster, having fun]

Natural Born Kissers [9.25]

:[Homer and Marge rush over to some garden ornaments naked; Marge stands behind birds and a flower, Homer stands behind two lumberjacks sawing a log]
:Homer: Marge, can we switch? I don’t trust these guys!
:Marge:You don’t think there’s anything wrong with what we’re doing, do you?
:Homer:I don’t think anything I’ve ever done is wrong.
:Reverend: Now lets all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his natural glory.
:[Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]
:Reverend: Now hurry, let’s all look down and admire God’s new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God’s floor.
:Lisa: Wow! An alternate ending to “Casablanca.” Bart, this could be priceless!
:Bart: Priceless like a mother’s love, or the good kind of priceless?
:Marge: When we got married, is this how you thought we’d be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refridgerator motor?
:Homer: Naw, I never thought I’d live this long.
:Homer: Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit! Hahaha!
:Marge: Heh, heh, mmm…yeah.
:Chief Wiggum: Boy, I’ll tell you, they only come out at night… or, in this case, the day.
:Marge: Whatever happened to Grampa? He was supposed to baby-sit.
:[Cut to Grampa in the Flanders' house watching Rod and Todd play checkers]
:Grampa: [to Rod] Now you got her, Bart. Jump Lisa’s king.
:Rod: I’m not Bart, I’m Rod Flanders.
:Grampa: There you go with that smart mouth! (to Todd) Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.
:Todd: Yes, sir!

Source: Wikiquote