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The Simpsons Season 2

Bart Gets an F [2.01]

:Otto: Hey, Bart Dude. Woah, you look freaked!
:Bart: Otto, man, I have a test today that I’m not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?
:Otto: Sorry, Bart Dude. Can’t do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you’ll get lucky!
:Bart{to himself}: No need to panic. Just find a nerd and sponge answers and boom, I’m back on Easy Street!
:[Bart sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them.]
:Terri: Look at him. I’ll bet he didn’t study again!
:Sherri: And now he’s gonna try to get answers from us.
:Terri: He’s pathetic!
:Bart: Good morning, girls!
:Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.
:Bart: Say, who’s up for a little cram session? I’ll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims’ boat?
:Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.
:Bart: And where’d they land?
:Terri: Sunny Acapulco.
:Bart: And why’d they leave England?
:Sherri: Giant rats.
:Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history’s coming alive!
:[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Martin Prince approaches Bart.]
:Martin: As a natural enemy, I don’t know why I should care. But the information you received regarding America’s colonial period is erroneous.
:Bart: Meaning….
:Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do!
:Bart: Thanks for the pep talk…
:Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
:Homer: And if you don’t, at least you’ll be bigger than the other kids.

Simpson and Delilah [2.02]

:[Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]
:Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can’t afford that!
:Sales clerk: Hmm… well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However… [pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker] I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.
:Homer: A thousand dollars. Of all the lousy, ripped off, gip-joint- (begins sobbinh) Forget you, pal. Thanks for nothing. (leaves sobbing) [later at work]
:Homer (the next day at work): So I say (toughly) “Forget you, pal! Thanks fer nuthin’!” & I stormed right outta there.
:Lenny: Ha-ha! That’s tellin’ ‘im, Homer!
:Homer (dunks fishsticks in an empty dipping sauce cup): D’oh! Outta ! They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny, are you gonna finish all of your tarder sauce? (Lenny pulls his tray away from Homer) Dry fish sticks; this sucks!
:Carl: Quit complaining, Chrome Dome.
:Homer: D’oh! If I had hair, you wouldn’t be callin’ me that!
:Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY… MUST… DIE!
:Bart: I love you, Dad!
:Homer: D’oh! [stops strangling] Dirty trick. Okay, I’m not going to kill you, but I’m going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You’ve ruined your father, you’ve crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
:Bart: It is?!
:Homer: [praying after using his Dimoxinil] Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.

Treehouse of Horror [2.03]

:Lisa: [reading] “Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension!”
:Narrator: Quoth the raven-
:Bart: Eat my shorts!
:Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says “Nevermore.” And that’s all he’ll ever say.
:Bart: Okay, okay.
:”The Raven” – Homer is really angry now:
:Homer: “Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!”
:Narrator: I shrieked, upstarting –
:Homer: “Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore! Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hasspoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken! — quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
:Narrator: Quoth the Raven
:Bart/Raven: “Nevermore.”
:Homer: [trying to stay calm] “Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
:Narrator: Quoth the Raven
:Bart/Raven: “Nevermore.”
:Homer: Why you little…!
:Bart/Raven: Uh-oh!

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]

:[As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, a strange man approaches them.]
:Man: So, caught anything?
:Lisa: Not yet, sir.
:Man: What are you using for bait?
:Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
:Man: I see. What’s your name, son?
:Bart: I’m Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
:Man: (chuckling) I’m Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who’s on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn’t speak that way to our elders!
:Bart: Well this is my day, and we do, sir.
:Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn’t it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you!
:Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
:Lisa: Ooo, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy.
:Barney Gumble: Oh no! An election! It’s one of those deals where they close the bars isn’t it?
:Homer: Bart, would you like to say grace?
:Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Dancin’ Homer [2.05]

:Barney Gumble: So Homer, what happened in Capital City?
:Homer: Oh Barney
:Moe:C’mon Homer. We’re dyin’ of curiosity.
:Homer: Look, there’s only one thing worse that being a loser. It’s being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, & I never want that to happen to me.
:Bart: Hey, Dad, look! You’re on Gumbo Vision!
:Homer: WOW! (stands, waving to crowds) Hey, everybody! (Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer’s head) How ya doin’? (blocks Bart’s face) Look at me! I’m Homer Simpson! (laughs, Gumbo Vision lowers down to Homer’s pants, audience laughing hystericaly at Homer’s unzipped zipper)
:Marge: Homer. Homer! XYZ.
:Homer: Examin my zipper? Why? (looks down) Whoops! (turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers eyes in embaresment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen) Thanks, everybody!
:Homer: For the first time in my life, people weren’t laughing at me, they were laughing towards me!
:(Looking at a “Dancin’ Homer” T-shirt)
:Marge: A Simpson on a T-shirt, I thought I’d never see the day.
:Homer (taunting baseball player): Oooooohhhh, boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie! Oooooh, boogie boogie boogie boogie!
:Baseball player: ‘Ey. Knock that off or I’ll stick this bat where the sun don’t shine.
:Homer: Oh, yeah? & where might that be? Oh. (backs away quickly)

Dead Putting Society [2.06]

:Homer: Marge, where’s the Duff?!
:Marge: Oh, uh, we’re all out, Homer.
:Homer: D’oh!
:Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?
:Homer: Don’t toy with me, woman!
:Homer: All right, knock it off!
:Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?
:Homer: You’ve been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife’s butt is higher than my wife’s butt! You make me sick!
:Ned: Simpson, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!
:Homer: I wouldn’t stay on a bet!
:Lisa: I’m studying for the math fair. If I win I’ll bring home a new protractor.
:Homer: Too bad we don’t live in a barn.
:Marge: Homer. I couldn’t help overhearing you warp Bart’s mind.
:Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself I’m not sure how they’re suppose to sound, but here it goes. I believe in you.
:Bart: Thanks man.
:Homer: C’mon Bart. Remember what Vince Lombarde said- “If you lose, you’re out of the family.”!

Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]

:Lisa: [writing a poem]
:I saw the best meals of my generation
Destroyed by the madness of my brother.
My soul carved in slices
By spiky-haired demons.
:[Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion.]
:Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
:Bart: Hey, man! She took my glue!
:Lisa: It’s not yours, Bart! (throws pillow & Bart off herself) This is family glue!
:Homer: Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I’ll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!
:Lisa: Dad, this isn’t about glue. It’s about teritoriality. He only wants the glue because I’m using it.
:Bart: Oh, yeah? Proove it.
:Lisa (hands Bart glue): Here.
:Bart: Hey, man, I don’t want you’re stupid glue. (throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie’s bottle, both bottles look alike, Maggie is about to suck the glue bottle, Lisa quickly walks away with glue)
:Patty: When is that boy goin’ to appologize?
:Selma: He sure is stubborn.
:Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. he always folded instantly over anything. It was as if he had no will of his own. In’t that true, Homer?
:Homer: Yes, Dad.

Bart the Daredevil [2.08]

:Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing’s pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.
:Bart: Otto, I’m going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
:Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
:Bart: What?
:Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!
:Otto: [Singing, to tune of "Foxy Lady" over bus microphone] Do do doo, do doo do doo, do do do doo.
:Bart: Hey Otto, can I use that microphone?
:Otto: ..doo do do [Switches off] Sorry Bart dude, it’s for emergencies only. [Switches back on] Doo doo doo…
:Lance Murdock: It’s always nice to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, son, a lot of people are going to be telling you you’re crazy – and maybe they’re right! But I want to tell you three things: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!
:[Bart announces his jump over Springfield Gorge]
:Lisa: [Worried] Springfield Gorge? Bart, you’ll be killed.
:Bart: Lisa, I don’t know how to explain this, but I get the same thrill out of jumpin’ over stuff that you do from… reading.
:[Lisa, Bart and his friends watch wrestling on TV]
:Bart: Two titans at the height of their careers. Ahh, if you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match.
:Lisa: Oh, Bart, I hope you’re not taking this seriously. Even a five-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet.
:[Cut to Homer, who is at Moe’s watching the same thing and talking to Barney]
:Homer: Eh, Rasputin’s got the reach. But on the other hand, the professor’s got his patented coma lock. If you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match.
:[Scene cuts back and forth between Homer at Moe's and Bart at home, who are watching the same wrestling match on TV]
:Milhouse: Hey, that’s my seat.
:Bart: Correction, was your seat.
:[Cut to Moe's Tavern]
:Barney: But I only got up to go the the can!
:Homer: Hey, I don’t see your name engraved on this bar stool.
:Announcer: One night only, at the Springfield Speedway, this Saturday! If you miss this, you’d better be dead or in jail, and if you’re in jail, break out. Be there!
:Principal Skinner: Welcome to the first in a series of Saturday evening concerts.
:Homer: Series? Awww.
:Principal Skinner: Tonight Sherbert’s, heh, heh, Shubert’s Unfinished Symphony.
:Homer: Oh, good, unfinished. This shouldn’t take long.
:[Some hours later]
:Homer: D’oh! How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this piece of junk?
:[Todd plays the violin at the school concert]
:Ned: [Crying] My son, my son!
:Homer: Come on Flanders, he’s not that bad.

Itchy & Scratchy & Marge [2.09]

:[Marge is writing a letter to the producers of Itchy and Scratchy]
:Marge: Dear purveyors of senseless violence, I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way. Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.
:Roger Meyers, Jr.: [in response to Marge's letter] Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy & Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America’s favorite cat-and-mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is, so let me close by saying…
:Marge [reading the letter out loud] And the horse I rode in on? I’ll show them what one screwball can do!
:Roger Meyers Jr.: In preparing for this debate, I did a little research, and I discovered something astonishing. There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented.
:[Helen Lovejoy and Maude Flanders arrive at Marge’s doorstep]
:Helen: Get dressed, Marge. You’ve got to lead our protest against this abomination! [Shows Marge a newspaper with the Statue of David on the cover]
:Marge: Hmm, but that’s Michelangelo’s David. It’s a masterpiece.
:Helen: [Gasps] It’s filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
:Marge: But I like that statue.
:Maude: [Gasps] I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.
:[Kent Brockman comments on the Statue of David]
:Kent: Is it a masterpiece? Or just some guy with his pants down?
:[Homer watches TV]
:TV Announcer: It’s a tool that every home handy man needs. It’s a jigsaw. It’s a power drill. It’s a wood-turning lathe. It’s an asphalt spreader. It’s 67 tools in one! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
:’Homer: [Very interested] One-thousand dollars!
:TV Announcer: Oh, don’t answer yet.
:Homer: Oh, sorry.

Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10]

:Homer: He’s awake!
:Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you’d gone away from us.
:Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. [to Lionel Hutz] You, I’ve never seen before.
:Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart’s ambulance.
:Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here’s my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
:Homer: Ooh, classy.
:Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
:The Devil: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn’t like it.
:Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then.
:The Devil: Remember: Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music!
:Bart: Yes, sir!
:Hutz: Now, let’s pretend you’re on the witness stand. How are you, Bart?
:Bart: Fine.
:Hutz (muttering): Oh, fine. THat’s fine. He says he’s fine. (shouting in Bart’s face) WRONG!!!!! YOU ARE NOT FINE!!!!! YOU ARE IN CONSTANT PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!
:Bart: I am in constant pain.
:Hutz: Very good.
:Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
:Burns: You wouldn’t dare!
:Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn’t.
:[After Marge ruins the case and the million dollars for Homer. Mr. Burns and his lawyers meet with Homer and Mr. Hutz in the back room.]
:Mr. Burns: I’m going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It’s not quite as large as the previous number but I think you’ll find it acceptable. [Writes a big zero and hands it to Homer]
:Hutz: I think we should take it.
:Homer: Ohhhhh.
:Homer’s Brain: A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.
:Marge: Homer would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
:Homer’s Brain: Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman.
:Homer: No, thank you.
:Marge: Some string beans?
:Homer’s Brain: No, I don’t want any string beans either, you two-timing, backstabbing- Uh-oh. Better answer.
:Homer: No, thank you.
:Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
:Homer’s Brain: Just mouth polite nothings.
:Homer: No, thank you.

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11]

:Master Chef: [car sounds horn] Ah, she’s here. Cover for me.
:Akira: One Fugu.
:Toshiro: No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it’s-
:Akira: Yes, yes, I know it’s poisonous, but if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.
:Toshiro: I must get to the master. [heads out to the alley, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside.]
:Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair is so alluring…
:Toshiro: Master, we need you back in the kitchen.
:Master Chef: I said cover for me, damn it!
:Toshiro: But Master, we need your skilled hands!
:Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy, YOU DO IT!
:[While Marge appears to be tossing a salad Homer watches the microwave]
:Homer: Is it done yet? Is it done yet?
:Marge: Your meatloaf will be ready in eight seconds, Homer.
:Homer: D’oh! Isn’t there anything faster than a microwave?
:[Homer watches dinner cook]
:Homer: Four… three… two… one… Bing! We have meatloaf!
:[Homer is brought to the hospital after eating the fugu.]
:Dr. Hibbert: You have twenty-four hours to live.
:Homer: Twenty-four hours!
:Dr. Hibbert: Well, twenty-two. I’m sorry I kept you waiting so long.
:Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
:Homer: No way, because I’m not dying!
:Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.
:Homer: [yelling] Why you little!
:Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
:Homer: [worried] What’s after fear? What’s after fear?!
:Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
:Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I’ll make it worth your while.
:Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
:Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
:Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
:Homer: Ahem. This is a videotape for my daughter Maggie. Hi, Maggie! I’m speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooooo! Hee hee hee, hope that didn’t scare you. Well, Maggie, you’re grown-up now, and unless you taped over this, you’re probably wondering what kind of man your father was. He was a simple man, a kind man, a gentle man who loved his children and- [Phone rings] D’oh! Hello! Yeah, he’s here, who is this? [Scratches butt] Bart’s friend Milhouse? Bart! Get your butt down here!

The Way We Was [2.12]

:Homer: [to the kids] Do you two have to sit so close to the TV? Back up or it’ll hurt your eyes.
:Bart: Oh, it will not.
:Homer: [Holding his fist up] Oh, yes, it will.
:[Picture on television goes haywire]
:Bart: Hey, what gives?
:Lisa: Dad! Do something!
:Homer: Alright, alright. Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery! [Bangs on the TV and the picture gets worse]
:Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.
:Barney: Hey Homer! You’re late for English!
:Homer: English, who needs that? I’m never going to England.
:Young Barney: Boy, you never stop eating and you don’t gain a pound.
:Young Homer: It’s my metaba-ma-lism. I guess I’m just one of the lucky ones.
:[Principal Dondalinger catches Homer and Barney smoking in the bathroom]
:Dondalinger: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble, Springfield’s answer to “Cheech and Chong.” Allow me, gentlemen. [Grabs their cigarettes and tosses them in the toilet] You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when.
:Homer and Barney: [In unison] Three o’clock, old building, room 106.
:[In detention]
:Homer: So, uh, what are you in for?
:Marge: I’m a political prisoner. [Muttering] Last time I ever take a stand.
:Homer: Well, I’m in here for being me. Every day, I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.
:[Homer tries to ask Marge to the Prom.]
:Homer: Look, I’m not asking you to like me. I’m not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies. I’m just asking you to be fair.
:Flashback Homer: Marge I have a problem. When you stop this car, I’m gonna hug you. And kiss you. And I’ll never be able to let you go.
:Present Homer: And I never have.

Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13]

:[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]
:Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
:Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched “Gentleman” Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!
:Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?
:Bart: Hell.
:Homer: BART!
:Bart: What? That’s what we learned about. I sure as hell can’t say we learned about hell unless I can say hell now can I?
:Homer: Kids got a point Marge.
:Bart: Hell yes!
:Marge: Bart.
:Bart: [sings]Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
:Marge: Bart, you’re no longer in Sunday School. Don’t swear.
:Homer: [referring to Lisa] There’s something wrong with that kid. She’s so moral. Why can’t she be more like…Well, not like Bart. But there has to be a happy medium.
:[Homer watches a Jerry Seinfeld type comedian on TV]
:Comedian: Don’t you hate it when you go to the bathroom… and there’s no toilet paper?
:[Homer and the TV audience laugh]
:Homer: It’s funny ’cause it’s true!

Principal Charming [2.14]

:Homer: Which one’s Selma, again?
:Marge: She’s the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
:Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn’t like to be… you know… touched.
:Marge: It’s Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.
:Marge: You will find Selma a man!
:Homer: All right.
:Marge: And not just any man.
:Homer: Okay!
:Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.
:Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?
:[Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office]
:Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?
:Moe: Homer who?
:Bart: Homer… [Lowers his voice] …Sexual.
:Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
:[The entire bar laughs at Moe]
:Homer: Don’t look at me! [Laughs]
:Moe: Oh no… you rotten little punk, if I ever get a hold of you, I’ll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15]

:Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
:Homer: What is it, Dad?
:Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I’m going to die someday.
:Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.
:[Bart and Lisa bicker at the dinner table]
:Homer: Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.
:Bart and Lisa: [In unison] Dad!
:Homer: Not one word!
:[Bart and Lisa trade insults via sign language and giggle at each other]
:Homer: I thought I said knock it off.
:Lisa: We didn’t say anything.
:Bart: Not one word.
:Homer: Well, no “pantomomine” either.
:Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great! Where can I find him?
:Director: [Sighs] I’m sorry. I’m not allowed to release that information.
:Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we’re talking about here. Please!
:Director: Well, I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. [Reaches across his desk, grabs Homer's hands and stares him in the eye] Even Detroit.
:Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that’s why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
:Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, [Points at Herb's file folder] the city of Brotherly Love isn’t Philadelphia. It’s…Detroit.
:Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever-
:Director: Read between the lines, you fool!
:Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. [Puts a twenty dollar bill on the Director's desk] Here’s twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
:Director: Mr. Simpson, I don’t want your-
:Homer: Just take it and tell me!
:Director: [Frustrated] Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
:Homer: [Sarcastically] Fine! Thank you!
:Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
:Homer: Just a little further.
:Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
:Homer: Just a little further.
:Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
:Homer: Just a little further.
:Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
:Homer: [Yells] Just a little further!
:Marge: Bart, Lisa, if you don’t behave, we’ll turn this car right around and go home.
:Homer: But, Marge, I want to see my brother.
:Marge: Oh, for God’s sakes, Homer, it’s an empty threat.
:Homer: Oh.
:[Homer and Herb meet face to face]
:Herb: Homer?
:Homer: Herb?
:Homer and Herb: [In unison] You look just like-
:[They point at each other's hair]
:Homer: [In unison with Herb] Except you got a little more-
:Herb: [In unison with Homer] Except you got a little less-
:[They point at each other's stomachs]
:Homer: [In unison with Herb] And a little less-
:Herb: [In unison with Homer] And a little more-
:Homer and Herb: God, I feel so-
:[They happily embrace]
:Herb: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
:Marge: Hmm. Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children.
:Herb: Wow, we have so much catching up to do.
:Marge: Hmm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
:[Homer walks in looking dejected.]
:Herb: Hey, Homer! How’s your car coming?
:Homer: Okay, I guess. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other and rack-and-peanut steering.
:Herb: Homer, did you ask for rack-and-pinion steering?
:Homer: I think so.
:Herb: How could you? You don’t even know what it is. You just called it “rack-and-peanut” steering!
:[The family says farewell to Herb]
:Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can’t help but think that maybe you’d have been better off if I’d never come into your life.
:Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe!? Why, you sponge head! Of course I’d have been better off! As far as I’m concerned, I have no brother!
:[Herb pulls away in a bus headed out of town]
:Marge: [Consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
:Lisa: His life was an unbridled success, until he found out…he was a Simpson.

Bart’s Dog Gets an F [2.16]

:Bart: No way, she’s faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
:Lisa: If Bart stays home, I’m going to school.
:Bart: Fine, then… Wait a minute… If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school…
:Marge: Lisa, don’t confuse your brother like that.
:Mrs. Winthrop: (Very sweetly) Most of you know that with a little love and compassion, any puppy can grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. (Suddenly angry) STUFF AND NONSENSE taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits! Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life – “choke chain!” (She puts the chain around Santa’s Little Helper’s neck) You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands. LAY DOWN! (Santa’s Little Helper doesn’t respond) Followed by immediate correction! (She tugs the chain. Santa’s Little Helper yelps and collapses on the ground.)
:Martin: How can we tell if we’re doing this maneuver effectively?
:Mrs. Winthrop: The dog’s eyes will bulge and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.
:Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma’am?
:Mrs. Winthrop: (laughing) You don’t know how often I’m asked that! “Choke chain” is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing.
:Emily Winthrop’s office
:Bart: Mrs. Winthrop, may I have a moment of your time?
:Mrs. Winthrop motions for Bart to have a seat
:Bart: I was thinking, since you are paid either way, why not just pass my dog anyway?
:Mrs. Winthrop: Oh I get it. Lick a stamp on it, thank you very much, next please! Do you seriously want me to do that?
:Bart: Uh huh!
:Mrs. Winthrop{rolling eyes and sighing}: Heavens to Murgatroyd! Bart, perhaps I cling the old ways like a well-chewed shoe as the traditions I was weaned on are being neutered or put to sleep one by one.
:Bart gives look of satisfaction
:Mrs. Winthrop{renewed energy}: But my time has not yet passed! The world does not need another college graduate who is not able to…SIT!
:Santa’s Little Helper fails to respond to the command
:Mrs. Winthrop{sweetly}: Now, pull the chain.
:Bart: What?!
:Mrs. Winthrop: Correct the dog.
:Bart: But, I don’t wanna strangle my dog…
:Mrs. Winthrop{enraged}: PULL THE BLOODY CHAIN, BOY!!!
:Bart pulls the choke chain. Santa’s Little Helper yelps in pain and whines
:Bart: Oh, I’m sorry, boy. I feel so dumb.
:Bart gives the dog a hug, while Mrs. Winthrop slaps her head in disbelief
:”Homer: D’oh!

Old Money [2.17]

:Marge: You know, we’ll be old someday.
:Homer: Gasp! My God, you’re right, Marge! You kids wouldn’t put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?
:Bart: Well…
:Homer: Aaah!
:Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place at the same time and… Jeez! You’d think this would get easier with time!

Brush with Greatness [2.18]

:Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!
:Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn’t it bother you that he orders you around like that?
:Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we’re together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He’s not just my boss, he’s my best friend too.
:[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea]
:Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]
:Smithers: Right, sir. It’s… scalding me as we speak.
:[Meanwhile, somewhere in Liverpool]
:Ringo Starr: Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966, me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you’re a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
:Weatherby: Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.
:Ringo: Just set it over there.
:Weatherby: Sir, if you’ll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
:Ringo: Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don’t care if it takes me another 20 years. I’m going to answer every one of them. [picks up a large envelope] Hello, what’s this? From Springfield, U.S.A. [sees painting of him] Gear!

Lisa’s Substitute [2.19]

:Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
:Lisa: No. Homework’s not my father’s specialty.
:Mr. Bergstrom: Well there’s no shame in it, I mean, my dad–
:Lisa: Not mine.
:Mr. Bergstrom: You didn’t let me finish–
:Lisa: Unless the next word was “burped”, you didn’t have to.
:Homer: What are you moping about?!
:Lisa: Nothing.
:Marge: Lisa, tell your father.
:Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left.
:Homer: [uninterested] Oh?
:Lisa: He’s gone…forever.
:Homer: And…?
:Lisa: I didn’t think you’d understand.
:Homer: Hey! Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!

The War of the Simpsons [2.20]

:[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]
:Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
:Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
:Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said “if.”
:Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don’t understand why.
:Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
:Homer: I admit it. I didn’t know when to say “when.” I’m sorry it happened and I just hope you didn’t lose a lot of respect for me.
:Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21]

:Comic Book Guy: Tell you what. I’m gonna show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep ‘em there. (Opening a metal suitcase) Behold!
:Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man #1!
:Comic Book Guy: None other!
:Bart: It must be worth a million bucks…
:Comic Book Guy: It is, my lad. But I’ll let you have it for $100, because you remind me of me.
:Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
:Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn’t ask you to do that. You’re already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
:Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!
:Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, à la The Wonder Years] Me? Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.]” I didn’t realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.
:Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
:Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn’t say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we-
:Homer: Bart! Stop it!
:Bart: Sorry.

Blood Feud [2.22]

:Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
:[sign lights up, "Relax. Everything is fine."]
:Crowd: Ooh. [applause]
:[sign lights up, "Minor leak. Roll up window."]
:Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]
:[sign lights up, "Meltdown. Flee city."]
:Crowd: [scattered applause]
:[sign lights up, "Core explosion. Repent sins."]
:Crowd: [stunned silence]
:Homer: [snickers] Joke’s on them. If the core explodes, there won’t be any power to light that sign!
:[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]
:Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
:Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
:Marge: Well then… I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
:Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn’t written that nasty letter, we wouldn’t have gotten anything!
:Marge: Well… then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
:Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
:Homer: Exactly! It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.
:Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
:Homer: Amen to that!
:[The family laughs]
This piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education’s 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece. It can be found online (page 10-11).

Source: Wikiquote