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The Simpsons Season 15

Treehouse of Horror XIV [15.1]

:Young Frink Jr.: I don’t wanna go on an expedition, father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean, but nauseous.
:Professor Frink Sr.: Clean but nauseous! With the rolling and the heaving, and the – you make me sick! You’ve disgraced the name of John Nerdelbaum Frink.
:Young Frink Jr.: But, father, I…
:[Frink Sr. leaves and Frink Jr. cries]
:Professor Frink Jr.: Father, you’re dying, but I can bring you back to life, sir.
:Professor Frink Sr.: Son, it doesn’t take 15 brains in your head to know thats a bad idea. You saw I had become a monster and you stopped me, like a man. I’m proud of you. Now it’s time for me go to Hell. Ohh, eeh, aah. Aah, ooh, eeh. Dead. [moves weirdly and drops dead]
:[Frink Jr. cries for his father's death]

My Mother the Carjacker [15.2]

:Homer: [to Mona] Look, Mom! Look! I’m riding by myself! [enters a wrong lane and screams]
:Mr. Burns: [After he loses his case against Mona] Curse that groovy granny! This is America! Justice should favor the rich!
:Mona Simpson: [After stealing the prison bus and being chased by police. She gets on the radio to Wiggum] Granny to The Man! Granny to The Man!
:Chief Wiggum: [Reading from a Hippy/English dictionary] This is…The Man…I think it would…be a gas…if you turned that…Magic Bus around…and kept on truckin’ to…our pig pad.
:Mona Simpson: I don’t know what you’re saying, but I am not turning back!

The President Wore Pearls [15.3]

:Lisa: Nelson, you’re running for school president?
:Nelson: I’m not saying I have all the answers. But, I do have all the answer keys…to every test.
:(A group of students and their teacher crowd around Nelson)
:Nelson: Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving…
:Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson, what are you doing?
:Nelson: Real-estate license exam?
:Mrs. Krabappel: My ticket to freedom!
:Marge: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble making I expect from your brother!
:Bart: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem!
:Bart: Lisa is a nut! She has a rubber butt! And everytime she turns around, it goes, ‘putt-putt’!
:’Principal Skinner: [singing]” “I’m so happy with my evil plan, say goodbye to music, gym and art! Soon we will have the perfect school, where fun and excitment never start!
:Groundskeeper Willie: [singing] “I’m so drunk I can barely see, but it helps me get through another day! My stomach is filled with haggis and ham; I’ve got to go puke in some hay!”
:Bart: [singing] “Lisa is a fool!”
:Skinner: [singing] “I think the rules are cool!”
:Willie: [singing] “I’m falling in the pool!”

The Regina Monologues [15.4]

:Marge: Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?
:Tony Blair: There’s so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, White cliffs of Dover. Oh, and since you Americans love castles, there’s a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
:Homer: The place where I was born is now a gator farm.
:Tony Blair: Smashing.
:Lisa: Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?
:Tony Blair: I’d love to. But I’m late for an appointment. I’m greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.
:[puts on a jetpack and flies off, James Bond-style]
:Homer: Wow, I can’t believe we met Mr. Bean!
:[The family spot J.K. Rowling emerging from a bookshop]
:Lisa: Look, it’s J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. You’ve turned a generation of kids onto reading!
:J.K. Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle!
:Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
:J.K. Rowling: [sarcastically] He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear!?
:Lisa: [happily] Yes!
:[Rowling rolls her eyes and walks away]
:English Squeaky-Voiced teen: Welcome to Judi Dench’s Fish and Chips, now completely free of mad fish disease!
:Homer: Fish!? I dunno, I’m not really a vegetarian!
:English Squeaky-Voiced teen: Please order, or Miss Dench’ll be furious. She’ll beat us, she will!
:Judi Dench: Who are you talking to!?
:English Squeaky-Voiced teen: NO-ONE, MA’AM, I SWEAR!
:Judi Dench: I’LL MA’AM YOU! [punches him]
:Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
:Madonna: I’m telling you! I’m English!
:Marge: English women don’t pump gas naked!

The Fat and the Furriest [15.05]

:Homer: That’s it kids, suckle daddy’s sugar ball.

Today I am A Clown [15.06]

:”[A shot of a broken-down trailer. In front, a sign reads: "FOX Network World Headquarters." Inside, Krusty the Clown has a meeting with Fox executives.]
:Krusty: Well, since I’m fresh out of options, I guess all that is left is for me to get a show on… ugh… Fox. What do you say?
:Executive: I don’t know…
:Krusty: Oh, come on, you guys are famous for taking a chance on useless crap!
:”[Krusty is infuriated, because he doesn´t have a star on the Jewish walk of fame.]
:Krusty: Why don´t I have a star?! I´m much better than… (squints) Chaim Potok?! What is he,a Klingon?!

‘Tis the Fifteenth Season [15.07]

:Krusty The Clown: Now in the spirit of the holiday season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, “sick kids” may include hookers with a cold.
:[Krusty chuckles]
:[Homer is with Lenny and Carl at The Power Plant]
:Carl: Hey, Homer. I’m your secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy.
:[Lenny hands Homer a DVD player]
:Homer: Oh, my god! A DVD player!
:Carl: And the first season of Magnum P.I., with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.
:Homer: Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.

Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays [15.08]

::Marge Simpson:

• Impressed that Maggie loves Roofi* But she likes it! I never seen her so happy!

:Marge Simpson: My name is Marge Simpson, and I am a mother.
:Meeting Crowd: BOO!
:Marge: I’m also an American.
:Meeting Crowd: YAY!
:Marge: I bake apple pies.
:Meeting Crowd: YAY!
:Marge: And I like baseball.
:Meeting Crowd: BOO!
:Homer’s Commercial: For more information, visit our website, www.aljazeera.com, we’re not affiliated, we’re just piggy-backing on their message boards. [Attempts to hypnotize the audience with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you! [Yes on 232 flashes quickly, but visibly] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you!
:(Commercial against Children):
:Fake Marge on TV: Now it’s time to do some coke off the blade of a knife

I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot [15.09]

:Lisa: I’m keeping you! You’re Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish, we’ll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.
:Principal Skinner: That’s really a cheat, isn’t it?
:Lisa: I guess you’re right, Principal Tamzarian.
:Principal Skinner: I’ll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.
:Bart: I’m riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy’s dream.

Diatribe of a Mad Housewife [15.10]

:Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn’t respect you?
:Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
:Lisa: This is horrible! What if Dad reads it (“The Harpooned Heart”)?
:Bart: It’s too long; he won’t read it.
:Lisa: Well, what if it gets made into a movie?
:Bart: It’s too sappy; he won’t see it.
:Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?
:Bart: [gasps] We’re doomed!
:Homer: I’ll have to read Marge’s book, and I swore never to read again after “To Kill a Mockingbird” gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?

Margical History Tour [15.11]

:Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: (to Homer/Henry VIII) Divorce! Well, there’s no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it’s the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?
:Homer/Henry VIII: I’ll start my own church!
:Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Whaaaaaaaa!?
:Homer/Henry VIII: Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!
:Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
:Homer/Henry VIII (as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half): No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?
:Pasty-Faced Lawyer: You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.
:[Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon]
:Marge/Margerine of Aragon (groans): I get Ireland?
:Homer/Henry VIII: Ha ha!

Milhouse Doesn’t Live Here Anymore [15.12]

:Groundskeeper Willie: It won’t last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
:Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
:Willie: You just made an enemy for life!
:Billboard Homer sees while driving: Diamonds… because money equals love.

Smart and Smarter [15.13]

:Simon Cowell: Well look who’s back.. Pippy Non-Talking.
:Lisa: Just because Maggie can’t talk doesn’t mean she’s dumb. Einstein didn’t speak until he was three.
:Marge: And even then he could only speak German!
:Simon: Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167.
:Lisa: (agape) but, but my IQ is only 159! Does this mean Maggie is smarter than me?
:Simon: (sarcastically) That’s right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?
(Bart rolls on the floor)
:Nelson: Floor Baby! Floor Baby!
:Lisa: Nelson, you made fun of him for something you made him do!
:Nelson: Yeah, well, you’re gay!
:Lisa: People who accuss others for being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality!
(Nelson panics and rolls out the exit)
:Nelson: Bullies Rule!
(Lisa holds up a card that reads “octogenarian”. Maggie points at Grampa.)
:Lisa: No, that’s wrong.
(Maggie points at the dog.)
Lisa: That’s right, this says dog.
:Marge: LISA! (Lisa jumps) You were purposly teaching her the wrong word! Lisa I’m surprised, your sister wants to grow up and be like you, well maybe she needs a better role model!
:Homer:

• on phonics frog* I agree with your mother! You are a dissapointment to Huh-oh-muh-eh-er!

:[The family think they're about to die]
:Homer: Marge, I’ve always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe.
(Maggie playing the saxaphone, which Lisa takes away from her)
:Lisa: Not for Babies!
:[Lisa comes to school dressed as a goth.]
:Milhouse: What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?
:Lisa: It’s called “Goth,” eternally clueless one. My new name is “Raven Crow Neversmiles.”
:Milhouse: Cool. We could be Goth together. We’ll got to the cemetary and summon the dark Lord by kissing and junk.
:Lisa: Okay… but first you must apprentice, by kissing the Goddess Ironica. Who lives in this rock. Do it for an hour, hour and a half. [Lisa hands Milhouse a rock and leaves]
:Milhouse: Yes, my mistress. [Milhouse kisses the rock]

The Ziff Who Came to Dinner [15.14]

:Artie: Doesn’t your father ever read to you?
:Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He’s still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
:Homer: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?!?
:Lawyer: (whispers to Homer)
:Homer: Inseminate myself? (to the Senate committee while pointing at his lawyer) Dudes, I think this guy’s coming onto me.
:Lawyer: You, sir, are a moron!
:Homer: A Mormon? But I’m from Earth!

Co-Dependent’s Day [15.15]

(Homer is on the phone with the rehab clinic)
:Homer: I can’t talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can’t put me on hold, I’ll put you on hold. (singing) I am a lineman for the county. (speaking) Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. (singing) And I drive the main road. (speaking) There are…eight… calls ahead of you. (singing) And the Wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-line.
:Kent Brockman: (to himself as he smokes a cigarette) Oh god I love to smoke.(realizing the camera is on) We’re live at latest opening of the epic space saga “Cosmic Wars”. And the nerds emerge from their basements wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight

The Wandering Juvie [15.16]

:Marge: (sobbing) My baby boy is in jail. I’m the worst mom in the world.
:Homer: It’s not all your fault. All of these years I’ve watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So…in a way, I too am a victim…of you.
:(Marge continues sobbing)
:Lisa: You’re a great mom. You’re always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement!
:Homer: Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!
:Store Manager: Mr Simpson, some people want to use that dressing room!
:Homer: (in the dressing room with his trousers down) Dressing room? Uh-oh…
Mayor Quimby arrives at Bart’s fake wedding with a young woman.
:Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you’re my niece from out of town.
:Young Woman: I am your niece Uncle Joe.
:Quimby: realizing Good Lord! I’m an abomination!
:Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
:Homer: I believe the children are the future… Unless we stop them now!
:Warden: Welcome aboard. (Holds a nightstick) This ends for beatin. This ends for holdin.
:Homer: When does training start?
:Warden: It just finished.

My Big Fat Geek Wedding [15.17]

:[at Moe's]
:Skinner: Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
:Homer: Come on, it’s your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!
:Skinner: Who are all of you people?
:Carl: We’re your buddies! Now come on, Homer’s kid’s principal, have a beer.
:Skinner: I can’t; I might be called upon to give directions later.
:Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!
:Skinner: [chugs beer] There’s something I’ve wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?
:Chalmers: You’re the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
:[everyone cheers]
:Homer: Why are you dressed as Catwoman?
:Skinner: (Dressed like Catwoman à la Batman Returns) They told me it was Catman!
:Marge: Passion is for teens and immigrants.

Catch ‘em If You Can [15.18]

:Moe: [emerging from "Adult Video section"] Oh yeah. Brideshead’s gonna get revisited tonight, baby!
:Bart: [Looking on an airline computer] Well, it says here that Mom and Homer are going to Los Angeles, [Types on computer] But their luggage isn’t! [Laughs] And Homer gets a low-fat meal!
[Camera cuts to a plane flying]
:Homer: [From inside the plane] NOOOOOOOO!!!!
:Squeaky Voiced Teen: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. The computer says that the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn’t exist.
:Homer: I say you don’t exist!
:Squeaky Voiced Teen: No, I’m right here under “staff.”

Simple Simpson [15.19]

:Host of Promiscuous Idiot’s Island: Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I’m afraid we’ve misled you. (the women gasp)
:Marge (watching show): Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!
:Host: This isn’t an island at all. It’s a peninsula!
:Woman 1: (walking away) This was supposed to be about trust!
:Woman 2 (crying): I just want to get on that boat and go home!
:Host: Well, you don’t need a boat, because you can walk.
:Rich Texan: (after seeing Lisa’s place setting contest entry) Lordy, girl! Your entry stinks like the south end of a northbound mule.
:Homer: It’s time to take him down a peg. Or should I say down a pie?
:Lisa: No, I think the expression is peg.
:Homer: Maybe you’re right Lisa. Maybe you’re pie. Pie be your pie.

The Way We Weren’t [15.20]

:Camp Land-a-man instructor: Excellent. Girls, see how Marge’s legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milkhorse. Now stand and walk.
:(girl Marge walks in an uncomfortable, “proper” manner)
:Instructor: Well done. I’d be proud if you grew up to be my husband’s mistress.
:Camp Flab-away instructor: So, you thought you could make a break for it, did you? Well, no one ever escapes from fat camp. ‘Cause the only way out is up a gentle slope.

Bart-Mangled Banner [15.21]

:Willie: I know what you’re hiding, lad. Willie’s been deaf since the boiler explosion of 88. But I’ve taught myself to read lips.
:Guy: Morning, Willie!
:Willie: What did you say about my mother!? For your information her feet stank cause she works in manure all day, but it’s still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow.
:Rich Texan: How dare he?! That’s the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!
:Lisa: [As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim for San Fransisco!
:Homer: We’re not made of money! We’ll swim for Oakland!

Fraudcast News [15.22]

:Homer: See Lisa, instead of one big-shot controlling all the media, now there’s a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.
:Mr. Burns: This is an outrage. Since when are public figures fair game for satire?
:Smithers: Well your goons did run her off the road sir.
:Mr. Burns: I can’t be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do.

Source: Wikiquote