The Goon Show quotes
- Needle nardle noo!
- Ying tong iddle i po.
- Enter Bluebottle, wearing doublet made from mum’s old drawers.
- Waits for audience applause, not a sausage. (Applause) Ooh! Sausinges!
- You rotten swine, you!
- You have deaded me!
- Silence! I have drunk my fill of the clapping.
- I’m the famous Eccles.
- You silly, twisted boy, you. (to Neddy)
- Here, have a gorilla. (to Neddy)
- You can’t get the wood, you know.
- We’ll all be murdered in our beds!
The Dreaded Batter-Pudding Hurler of Bexhill-On-Sea [5.3]
:Henry Crun: Here, Minnie, hold my elephant gun.
:Minnie Bannister: I don’t know what you brought it for. You can’t shoot elephants in England, you know.
:Henry: And why not?
:Minnie: They’re out of season.
:Henry: Does this mean we shall have to have pelican for dinner again?
:Minnie: I fear so, I fear so.
:Henry: Then I’ll risk it. I’ll shoot an elephant out of season.
:Ned Seagoon: We tried using a candle, but it wasn’t very bright and we daren’t light it.
:Seagoon: As I swam ashore, I dried myself to save time.
:Major Bloodnok: How dare you call me Major Bloodnok!
:Seagoon: That’s your name.
:Major Bloodnok: In that case, I forgive you.
:Hercules Grytpype-Thynne: He’s made fools of the police.
:Seagoon: I disagree, we were fools long before he came along.
:Seagoon: Let me see that boot…hmm, size 19…what size is your head?
:Eccles: Size 19.
:Seagoon: Curses…the man’s defence was perfect!
:Seagoon: Where’s this man’s other boot?
:Seagoon: By whom?
:Bloodnok: A thief.
:Seagoon: You sure it wasn’t a pickpocket?
:Bloodnok: Positive, Eccles never keeps his boots in his pocket.
:Greenslade: Seagoon and Bluebottle traveled by sea. To avoid detection by enemy U-boats they spoke German throughout the voyage, heavily disguised as Spaniards.
:Sellers: As an added precaution they travelled on separate decks and wore separate shoes on different occasions.
:Seagoon: The ship was disguised as a train, to make the train sea-worthy it was done up to look like a boat and painted to appear like a tram.
:Milligan: It’s all rather confusing, really.
:Crun: Mr Seagoon? Minnie’s been hit with another batter pudding
:Seagoon: Well that’s nothing new
:Crun: It is! This one was stone cold!
:Crun: He must be losing interest in her
The Phantom Head Shaver of Brighton [5.4]
:Ned Seagoon: Mr. Greenslade?
:Wallace Greenslade: Yes, sir?
:Seagoon: Tell the eager masses what we have in store for th–
:Seagoon: Thank you. Yes – yes, it’s Rubbish!
The Affair of the Lone Banana [5.5]
:Ned Seagoon: Don’t move, Signor Gonzales Mess, née Moriarty – hands up.
:Moriarty: Seagoon, put that banana down!
:Seagoon: And leave myself defenceless?
:Moriarty: Sapristi Bompet!
:Seagoon: One step nearer and I fire!
:Moriarty: Ha ha, you fool – you can’t fire a banana! It’s – (two shots are fired) You swine – it was loaded!
:Seagoon: Of course! You don’t think I’d threaten you with an unloaded banana, do you?
The Histories Of Pliny The Elder
:Caractacus Seagoon: “Listen to me, all of you”
:Prisoner: “All of me is listening to you”
:Julius Caesar: “What type of army is this that takes to the field in blue jerseys with a ball at their feet?”
:Moriatus: “Here comes another Charlie-Britannicus”
:Greenslade: “The final score: Romans 900, Britons 3 – War stopped play”
:Narrator: “For thirty years Caesar ruled with an iron fist. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string”
:Moriartus: I see that ten years in Britain have not changed your Imperial Roman outlook, Caesar.
:Julius Caesar : True, Moriartus, always a Roman I.
:Moriartus: Will you take wine?
:Caesar: No thanks, I think I’ll have a half of mild and a packet of crisps.
:Referee: “Stop this javelin practice whilst the ball’s in play.”
:Referee: “You’re only supposed to have 11 men on the field; I’ve counted 675 of yours so far!”
:Julius Caesar: “Alright. I’ll send one off”
:Moriartus: “He says he wants to die rich.”
:Julius Caesar: “And he shall: Give him a bag of gold and then strangle him”
:Caractacus Seagoon (on asked how he had been captured by the Romans): “I was in the bath. The only day of the year they could catch me without my socks on”
:Eccles: I can see a manhole cover right above us.
:Seagoon: Shine the beam of this candle on it. I’ll push it off. Eccles! Stand on my shoulders and pull me up!
:Eccles: Ok… (strained) I’d like to see them do this on television.
Ye Bandits of Sherwood Forest [5.14]
:Maid Marion: “Oh fie, oh fie! You see, my fiancé, Mr. R. Hood, will come and fisticuff you! He’ll hit thee! Splat thun blat zowee zocko blam thud biff! He learnt all his boxing from comic strips.”
China Story [5.17]
:Ned Seagoon: On arrival at the Teahouse, as instructed, I knocked 6,000 times
:(Slow knocking, speeds up at various points with different varieties – until…)
:Seagoon (breathing heavily): Teahouse of August Goon?
:(Door slams shut)
:Seagoon: Curse! It’s next door! It’s always next door in China!
:(Slow knocking etc as before – until…)
:Chinaman: Somebody knock?
:Seagoon (breathing heavily): Yes! Teahouse of August Goon?
:Chinaman: Yes, sah?
:Seagoon: Are you R Pong?
:Chinaman: Yes, we are open til 11 o’clock.
The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street [5.23]
:Controller: Calling all cars. Car number 40.
:Responder 1: Roger
:Controller: Car 41
:Responder 2: Roger
:Controller: Car 42
:Responder 3: Fred
:Controller: Car 43 (pause) Car 43!
:Controller: Hello – Car 43!
:Bluebottle: I’m not telling you! So enters Fabian Bluebottle, of the Yard! I’m out to bring in Neddie Seagoon dead or alive. Dehehe!
:Controller: Are you Car 43?
:Bluebottle: Before I tell you, here are my special terms what you got to agree to. I must not be nutted. I must not be blown up. And I must be in the front if there’s any sausinges. Signed Bluebottle.
:Controller: Very well. Now are you car number 43?
:Bluebottle: NO! Dehehe! You know what I am? I’m cardboard bicycle number 1. Dehehe!
Shangri-La Again [6.8]
:Greenslade: “Ying-tong-iddle-i-po. Needle-nardle-noo. Spling-splang-splong, and this is Wallace Greenslade, lover of good English, wishing he was dead.”
:FX: [Sound Of A Gunshot]
:Peter Sellers: Wish granted!
:Ned Seagoon: Come on Bloodnok…you must stop killing Greenslade, he’s not well.
:Seagoon: Intellectual giant! Where do you hail from?
:Bluebottle: Where do I hail from, he says. It is a place that lives in the memory forever…I got it writted down on a fag-packet somewhere…oh yes. It is Shangra Lurn! Land of eternal youth, land of purity, no drink, no sex, no sin… and I’m fed up with it I am.
:Bluebottle: Thank you fellow sinners.
The Mysterious Punch-Up-The-Conker [7.19]
- Various timepieces ticking, chiming and cuckooing. A chicken clucking. Finally a hooter.*
:Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?
:Eccles: Err, just a minute. I’ve got it written down on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
:Bluebottle: Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?
:Eccles: Welll, um, if a anybody asks me the time, I can show it to dem.
:Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man.
:Eccles: What is it fellow?
:Bluebottle: It’s writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o’clock, is writted.
:Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That’s right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o’clock.
:Bluebottle: Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn’t eight o’clock?
:Eccles: Well den, I don’t show it to ‘em.
:Eccles: [smacks lips] yeah.
:Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it’s eight o’clock?
:Eccles: I’ve got it written down on a piece of paper.
:Bluebottle: Ohh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.
:Bluebottle: ‘Ere Eccles?
:Bluebottle: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? ‘Ere. This piece of paper ain’t goin’
:Eccles: What? I’ve been sold a forgery.
:Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o’clock.
:Eccles: Oh dear.
:Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my Grandad’s got.
:Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired.
:Bluebottle: It’s one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o’clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.
:Eccles: Ohhh yeah. What’s it called? Um.
:Bluebottle: My Granma.
:Eccles: Ohh. Ohh, wait a minute. How does she know when it’s eight o’clock.
:Bluebottle: She’s got it written down on a piece of paper.