Opening

• Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

• Final line of every opening skit

• Episode 1.01, October 11 1975

Season 1

George Carlin/Janis Ian & Billy Preston [1.01]

:English teacher: I want you to feed your fingertips.
:Foreigner: I vant you to feed your fingerteeps.
:English teacher: To the wolverines.
:Foreigner: To the volver-eenes.
—-
:George Carlin: Thank you! Talk about a live show! It’s nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us- live! Um… I’m kinda glad that we’re on at night, so that we’re not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man… and this is the time of year when there’s both, you know? Football’s kinda nice, they changed it a little bit- they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pastime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are- we are Europe Junior. When you get right down to it, we’re Europe Junior. We play a Europe game. What was the Europe game? (high voice) “Let’s take their land away from them! You’ll be the pink, on up; we’ll be blue, the red and the green!” Ground acquisition. And that’s what football is, football’s a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That’s the way we did it with the Indians- we won it little by little. First down in Ohio, Midwest to go!
:George Carlin: The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it’s like Military Intelligence- the words don’t go together, man.
:George Carlin: Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you’re calling? Don’t you feel dumb? You don’t know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don’t think you’re a moron.
:Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.
:Chevy Chase: (President) Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he had written his own campaign slogan. The slogan: “If He’s So Dumb, How Come He’s President?”

Paul Simon/Art Garfunkel, Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow, Jesse Dixon Singers [1.02]

:Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, here to keep you up on what’s going down! President Ford’s regular weekly accident took place this week in Hartford, Connecticut, where Ford’s Lincoln was hit by a Buick. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the Buick and wrestled it to the ground. The president was unhurt except for putting his thumb in his eye. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the thumb and wrestled it to the ground.
:Paul Simon: [to Marv Albert before his match with Connie Hawkins] I’ve gotta stay with my strengths, basically… singing and songwriting.

Rob Reiner/Joe Cocker (John Bellushi) [1.03]

Candice Bergen/Esther Phillips [1.04]

:President Ford: My fellow Americans… ladies and gentlemen.. members of the press… and my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. Thank you all for being here, and I am truly honored to be asked by you to open the “Saturday Night” show with Harvey Cosell.
:Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.

Robert Klein/ABBA, Loudon Wainwright III [1.05]

:”’Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. Our top story tonight…
:Garrett Morris: OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!
:Chevy Chase: President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!
:Garrett Morris: PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!
:Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
:Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!
:Chevy Chase: Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been cited for contempt of Congress! Kissinger commented, “So what? Congress has at least as much contempt for me as I do for him. Besides, Nixon lied, didn’t he? And he gets to sunbathe while I get terminal jet lag.”
:Chevy Chase: A new book has been published and released, and it’s entitled, “Friends of Richard Nixon.” A short work, it is only one page longer than the work, “Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century.” Of his former boss, President Ford said, “Well, I spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope.”
:Chevy Chase: The United States… hold it… The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution equating Zionism with racism. Black entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., a convert to Judaism, was quoted as saying: “What a breakthrough! Now, finally, I can hate myself!”

Lily Tomlin/Howard Shore and His All Nurse Band [1.06]

:Chevy Chase: The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of “Ironsides.”
:Chevy Chase: Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.
:Chevy Chase: Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, “Boy, I’m sure glad I’m not foreign.”
:Lily Tomlin: Being a New Yorker means never having to say you’re sorry.

Richard Pryor/Gil-Scott Heron [1.07]

:Richard Pryor: How you doin’? Thank you very much for coming here to New York. Uh, hope I’m funny. I’d like to dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, my friend. He’s in the hospital, sick. But he’s cool. Miles always gets women, though, ’cause he talks so cool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper]‘ “What’s happenin’?” I get women, too. I can’t keep ‘em but I get ‘em. Women always leave me, man! I don’t mind ‘em leavin’ but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Just leave! Don’t tell me why! ‘Cause there ain’t nothin’ you can do but stand there and look silly, right? You be … [imitates a man standing there and looking silly: points to himself in surprise, shrugs helplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head in disbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool when you get mad. [as an angry man] “WELL, GO ON AND GET OUT THEN!” [as a cool, calm woman] “I’m leaving.” [as the man] “I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” [as the woman]” “Don’t worry, you shan’t.”
:Richard Pryor: Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin’ for a while but I used to go into bars and check out the people that were drinkin’ and they weren’t happy. And they get beat up a lot. No — drunks, they start out cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin’: “Give me a Scotch and soda, please.” Real cool. ‘Bout a hour later: “WHAT?! WHAT YOU MEAN I’M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn’t drunk when I came in here! And I ain’t gonna leave till I’m sober. Now, you can dig that, baby.
:[During a word association exercise as part of a job interview]
:Mr. Wilson: Tree.
:Interviewer: Tree. Dog.
:Mr. Wilson: Tree.
:Interviewer: Fast.
:Mr. Wilson: Slow.
:Interviewer: Rain.
:Mr. Wilson: Snow.
:Interviewer: White.
:Mr. Wilson: …Black.
:Interviewer: Bean.
:Mr. Wilson: Pod.
:Interviewer: Negro.
:Mr. Wilson: Whitey(!).
:Interviewer: Tarbaby.
:Mr. Wilson: [pause] What’d you say?
:Interviewer: Tarbaby.
:Mr. Wilson: Okay.
:Interviewer: Colored.
:Mr. Wilson: Redneck.
:Interviewer: Jungle bunny.
:Mr. Wilson: Peckerwood!
:Interviewer: Burrhead!
:Mr. Wilson: Cracker!
:Interviewer: Spearchucker!
:Mr. Wilson: White trash!
:Interviewer: Jungle Bunny!
:Mr. Wilson: Honky!
:Interviewer: Spade!
:Mr. Wilson: … Honky Honky!
:Interviewer: Nigger!
:Mr. Wilson: Dead honky!
:Interviewer: Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you’re qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?
:Mr. Wilson: Your momma!
:Interviewer: Uh.. $7,500 a year?
:Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!
:Interviewer: $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You’ll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don’t… don’t hurt me, please…
:Mr. Wilson: Okay.
:Interviewer: Okay.
:Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?
:Interviewer: Oh, no, no… that’s alright. I’ll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.
:Chevy Chase: UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charitable organization’s new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, “Let’s kill the Arabs and take their oil!”

Candice Bergen/The Stylistics, Martha Reeves [1.08]

:Don Pardo: [voiceover] This is Don Pardo saying, oh oh oh! Whoops! I’m reading upside down!

Elliott Gould/Anne Murray [1.09]

:Mrs. Henderson: [calling upstairs] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!
:[Interior Demolitionist #1 picked up a vase and shatters it with a hammer]
:Mr. Henderson: [from upstairs] I can’t hear you what you’re saying, honey — I’m in the shower!
:Mrs. Henderson: [calling upstairs] Do you send for interior demolitionists?!!
:Mr. Henderson: [from upstairs] Whaat?!
:Mrs. Henderson: [to Interior Demolitionist # 1] Do you want — you want some coffee?
:Interior Demolitionist #1: Oh yeah! Great!
:Interior Demolitionist #2: No coffee for me, thank you.
—-
:Vito Corleone: The ASPCA is out to get me because of this horse thing.
:Vito Corleone: Alright. The Tattaglia Family is moving in on my territory. They’ve taken over numbers, prostitution, and restaurant linen supply, and now they want to bring in drugs. Also, they just shot my son, Santino, fifty-six times.
:Therapist: Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?
:Vito Corleone: Drugs, I am against.
—-
:Chevy Chase: Well, as the primaries approach, more and more varied candidates are joining the fight for the Democratic ticket. The latest entry is Senator Robert Byrd. Byrd was once a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but says now that he deeply regrets that association. Byrd has been quoted as saying: “I don’t judge a man by the color of his skin; I judge him according to the size of his nostrils.”
—-
:Chevy Chase: Meanwhile, Sargent Shriver, stressing his close association with the Kennedy clan and his affinity for the Trumans’ straightforwardness, has written his campaign slogan: “The Duck Stops Here.” Asked if this plans would affect a Kennedy draft, Shriver commented: “I do not believe this year that Teddy Kennedy will throw his hat into the water.”

Buck Henry/Bill Withers, Toni Basil [1.10]

:Ron Nessen: Mr. President, you’re signing your hand.
:Gerald Ford: Come on in and sit down, Ron.
:[Nessen gets up from his chair, walks out the door, shuts it, reopens it, walks back in and sits in the same chair]
:Gerald Ford: Now what’s this about a press conference, Ron?
:Ron Nessen: You called it, Mr. President.
:Gerald Ford: Called it what?
:Ron Nessen: No, you called the press conference, Sir.
:Gerald Ford: I see. [Looks over at Liberty] Heel, Liberty. [Looking back at Nessen] Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Ron.
:Ron Nessen: I am sitting, Mr. President.
:Gerald Ford: Ah! Then you must be comfortable.
:Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir. Thank you.
:Gerald Ford: I’m pretty comfortable myself.
:Ron Nessen: That’s good.
:Gerald Ford: [Looks around the Oval Office] I just don’t see what’s so awful about this room, personally.
:Ron Nessen: No, Sir, Oval. It’s the Oval Office, sir.
:Gerald Ford: Ah!
:Ron Nessen: Not awful, Oval, round.
—-
:Chevy Chase: Another note on the Super Bowl: President Ford expressed regret that he won’t join Mr. Kissinger in Miami tomorrow, saying he’s flying to Boston for the first game of the World Series.

Peter Cook & Dudley Moore/Neil Sedaka [1.11]

:Chevy Chase: This week, the FDA banned Red Dye #2, saying the red coloring agent was suspected of having cancer-causing qualities. Coincidentally, it was reported this week that Ronald Reagan has revealed that he underwent treatment for cancer of the hair.
—-
:Chevy Chase: President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among them listed are Elliot Richardson, Charles Percy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brooke, a black man, will not actually be a choice for a running mate, but that “The President will put his name as a token of his appreciation.

Dick Cavett/Jimmy Cliff [1.12]

:Chevy Chase: Well, the popular TV personality known as Professor Backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor’s cries of ‘Pleh, pleh!’

Peter Boyle/Al Jarreau [1.13]

:[shortly after Emily Litella is about to finish her editorial replay against 'canker' research]
:Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily?
:Emily Litella: What?
:Chevy Chase: I’m sorry, it’s an editorial about cancer research, not canker sores.
:Emily Litella: Ohhh! I never thought of that! Never mind!

Desi Arnaz/Desi Arnaz Jr. [1.14]

Jill Clayburgh/Leon Redbone, the Singing Idlers [1.15]

Anthony Perkins/Betty Carter [1.16]

:Domintrix: RING AROUND THE COLLAR!
—-
:Norman Bates: Hi, I’m Norman Bates for the Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how to be your own boss in this rapidly-expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home, right in the privacy of your own shower. I’ll show you how to run anything from a tourist home to a multi-unit motel inn.
—-
:Norman Bates: Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity, independence, and security, but are you motel material? Let’s find out with a simple quiz. Question 1: A guest loses the key to her room. Would you (A) Give her a duplicate key, (B) Let her in with your passkey, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife. Question 2: Which of the following is the most important in running a successful motel? Is it (A) Cordial atmosphere, (B) Courteous service, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife.

Ron Nessen/Patti Smith [1.17]

:Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!
:[cut to film segment of real-life President Ford]
:Gerald Ford: I’m Gerald Ford, and you’re not.

Raquel Welch/Phoebe Snow, John Sebastian [1.18]

:[Jean-Paul got shot and fell into the snow]
:Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!
:[Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis]
:Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom..
:[Jean-Paul got shot again and fell back into the snow]
:Jessica Antlerdance: Oh, no! That one got him, he’s down! No, he’s down this time…no, no! No, he’s getting up!
:[Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly]
:Jessica Antlerdance: Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in difficult situations.
:Tom Tryman: I can’t believe he’s going for the finish line… and -
:[Jean-Paul got shot for the last time and fell down to the snow for good]
:Tom Tryman: Oh, no! Again… again he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he’s down to stay, Jessica.

Madeline Kahn/Carly Simon [1.19]

:Richard Nixon: [after watching Henry Kissinger leave the Oval Office] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy!
—-
:Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to out editorials. Here with an editorial reply is Miss Emily Litella. (Gilda Radner begins ranting about VIOLINS on television)

Dyan Cannon/Leon & Mary Russell [1.20]

:Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, and, that’s the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Just kidding! And you’re not.

Buck Henry/Gordon Lightfoot [1.21]

:[Dell Stator's Toad Ranch jingle]
:When you’re at home or on the road
:And you’ve got to stop to crave that toad
:Dell Stator’s, Dell Stator’s
:Dell Stator’s Family Toad Ranch!

Elliott Gould/Leon Redbone, Harland Collins & Joyce Everson [1.22]

:Captain Kirk: [voiceover] Captain’s Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live and long prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.

Louise Lasser/Preservation Hall Jazz Band [1.23]

Kris Kristofferson/Rita Coolidge [1.24]

:Chevy Chase: The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he want to spend more time with his family; Tommy will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.

Season 2

Lily Tomlin/James Taylor [2.01]

:President Ford: I believe there were be no math in debates.
—-
:Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m God! Let’s take a look at tonight’s top stories, shall we?
—-
:Chevy Chase: Ugandan dictator Idi Amin has decided to go under species change surgery. If the surgery was successful, he will take a career on American television. However, if the surgery is unsuccessful, he will eat American television.

Norman Lear/Boz Scaggs [2.02]

Eric Idle/Joe Cocker, Stuff [2.03]

Karen Black/John Prine [2.04]

:Chevy Chase: (on the phone) Don’t worry. I’ll do Jiminy Cricket.
:(makes a Jiminy Cricket face, then sings)
:When you wish upon a star,
:your..
:(realized he’s on the air and hangs up)
:Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, and I don’t like you.
—-
:Catherine the Great: Oh well, I guess I am queen. And a queen is a queen. But I am also a woman. And a woman is a woman.
:Snowball: And a horse is a horse.
:Catherine the Great: Of course, of course.

Steve Martin/Kinky Friedman [2.05]

:Chevy Chase: Well, on the warmmer, happier side of life, far from the stories which seem sad or tragic, baby gorilla Boom-Boom was flown by Concorde from Paris to Washington last Thursday, to join the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey’s Zoo & Circus. Boom-Boom enchanted passengers and stewardesses during the three-and-a-half hour flight by dancing in the aisles, making cute noises, and breaking into the cockpit and ripping apart the face of the captain, mutiliating the navigator, and crash-landing the jet in Greenland. One humorous note: There are no survivors.

Buck Henry/The Band [2.06]

Dick Cavett/Ry Cooder [2.07]

:Jane Curtin: Actress Sally Field is making a comeback, in a 4-hour drama, Sybil, to be televised tomorrow night on NBC. Adapted from the book, “Sybil” is a story of a woman who took refuge in sixteen different personalities. Sally welcomes the challenge of this role, and feels confident to pull it off. As she recently told the reporter: “Thank you, it’s nice to be here.” “Should I check your oil, ma’am?” “And now it’s time to play, Double Jeopardy!” “We’ll call this baby… Jesus.” “Je m’appel Henri!” “Franklin, stop playing with that and come to bed!” “Good Yante, Rabbi.” “I do.” “Who is this masked man?” “I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!” “Come on, Sandy, we gotta find Daddy Warbucks!” “$20 for me, $10 for the hotel.” “Every boy wants a Hasbro toy!” “Hey, Abbotttt!” “I am not a crook!” Lassie, it’s me Timmy!” “And as god as my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.”

Paul Simon/George Harrison [2.08]

Jodie Foster/Brian Wilson [2.09]

Candice Bergen/Frank Zappa [2.10]

Ralph Nader/George Benson [2.11]

Ruth Gordon/Chuck Berry [2.12]

Fran Tarkenton/Leo Sayer [2.13]

Steve Martin/The Kinks [2.14]

Sissy Spacek/Richard Baskin [2.15]

:Peter: [on the phone] Hello? Hello?
:Jimmy Carter: Yes. Hello, Peter?
:Peter: [on the phone] Is this the President?
:Jimmy Carter: Yes, it is.
:Walter Cronkite: Do you have a question for the President?
:Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. I uh.. I took some acid.. I’m afraid to leave my apartment, and I can’t wear any clothes.. and the ceiling is dripping, and uh..
:Walter Cronkite: Well, thanks you very much for calling, sir..
:Jimmy Carter: Just a minute, Walter, this guy’s in trouble. I think I better try to talk him down. Peter?
:Peter: [on the phone] Yeah..?
:Jimmy Carter: Peter, what did the acid look like?
:Peter: [on the phone] They were these little orange pills.
:Jimmy Carter: Were they barrel shaped?
:Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. yes.
:Jimmy Carter: Okay, right, you did some orange sunshine, Peter.
:Peter: [on the phone] Very good of you to know that, sir.
:Jimmy Carter: How long ago did you take it, Peter.
:Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. I don’t know. I can’t read my watch.
:Jimmy Carter: Alright, Peter, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You’re very high right now. You will probably be that way for five more hours. Try taking some Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C complex.. if you have beer, go ahead and drink it.
:Peter: [on the phone] Okay..
:Jimmy Carter: Just remember you’re a living organism on this planet, and you’re very safe. You’ve just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside, and listen to some music. Do you have any Allman Brothers?
:Peter: [on the phone] Yes, I do, sir. Everything is okay, huh Jimmy?
:Jimmy Carter: It sure is, Peter. You know, I’m against drug use myself, but I’m not going to lay that on you right now. Just mellow out the best you can, okay?
:Peter: [on the phone] Okay.
:Jimmy Carter: Okay!

Broderick Crawford/Dr. John, The Meters [2.16]

Jack Burns/Santana [2.17]

:Jane Curtin: According to a book published this week, that not only George Washington has wooden teeth, but America’s first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware. Don’t you love history?
—-
:Mr. Ross: I can’t take it anymore, honey. I’m sorry, I’m going! [prepares to jump off the window]
:Sherry: [in panic] Oh, Mr. Ross! Don’t jump!
:[Mr. Ross jumped out the window and screams as in he's was falling, but he is still standing outside the window on camera. He realized the mistake]
:Laraine Newman: [breaks character, sarcastic] Great leap, Jack.
:Jack Burns: [breaks character] What? What happened?
:Laraine Newman: Well, that was a real convincing jump. I mean, this is supposed to be a real skyscraper, you know, we’re supposed to be high above the ground and– You we’re supposed to duck!
:Jack Burns: Well, why didn’t somebody tell me? I read the script. It just said jump. It didn’t say about ducking. I mean it’s– I – I didn’t know that, you know, Laraine, uh…
:[Barry Spats enters]
:Barry Spats: Hi, how do you do? I’m Barry Spats! I believe I had a three o’clock appointment with Mr. Ross! Hey!
:Laraine Newman: John. Skip the lines. Jack forgot to jump, er, duck.
:John Belushi: [angrily broke character] GREAT, JACK! NICE GOIN’! I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO HERE, JACK!
:[Sirens blare]]
:Laraine Newman: Hey! Hear those sirens? That’s supposed to be the ambulance that arrived too late to save you.
:Jack Burns: Well, uh, couldn’t we do it over? I’m willing to do it over again.
:[Two policemen enters]
:Policeman #1: Hey, uh, a witness said that they saw a man jump out of this window!
:Policeman #2: Yeah, can you identify him for us? What’s the victim’s name?
:Laraine Newman: Drop it, guys.
:Jack Burns: [sheepishly] Hi, Garrett, Bill.
:Bill Murray: [breaks character, annoyed] Nice work, Jack. What the HELL are you doing standing up?
:[Tom Sussman and Lois burst in]
:Tom Sussman: Okay, hold it, everybody! Uh, Tom Sussman, Daily News! Get pictures of everything, Lois! This is gonna be a great story! “Wealthy Exec Gets Depressed- Wife Leaves Him- He Takes The Plunge!”
:Laraine Newman: Dan. Jane.
:Dan Aykroyd: [breaks character] Oh.
:Jack Burns: I sort of feel responsible for this, Dan. You see, what..
:[A feeling guilty, regrettable mistress of Mr. Ross entered screaming in horror]
:Mistress: [crying] I just saw him lying on the sidewalk! Oh, my god! I was his mistress! We meet on a weekend in Tahiti at Club Med! It was beautiful and we were gonna to work it out! But I came to tell him it was over! I was terrible!
:John Belushi: [to Gilda Radner who plays the Mistress] You feel terrible? How do you think I feel? I miss out on a chance of giving out a big speech! Oh, God! Because Mr. Improv over here doesn’t know how to duck! Isn’t that right?!
:Jack Burns: [calmly] That’s right. I didn’t know it was in the script.
:[Boy scout enters]
:Boy scout: He was- he was my troop leader. Does this mean the hike is off?
:[The cast stares at the actor who plays the boy scout in a dirty look, then began to leave the set]
:Laraine Newman: Oh, let’s get out of here.
:Gilda Radner: Come on.
:John Belushi: Give me a break. How about Mr. Realism over here?
:Laraine Newman: You’re on your own, Jack.
:John Belushi: Take care.
:Bill Murray: Nice workin’ with you, Jack.
:Jane Curtin: Yeah. You’re a disgrace and a embarrassment, Jack.
:[The cast left. Jack Burns is all alone addressing the camera.]
:Jack Burns: I – I – I feel kind of humiliated, you know fouling a sketch up like this. I did try. I mean, I’ve been trying all week, uh, I was trying to get in shape for the show mentally as well as uh, physically and uh, speaking of humiliation, here’s how to overcome embarrassment in a form of this week’s film by Gary Weis. Dave, can you roll it please? Maybe this will save my ass.
:[Fade to black]
—-
:Gags Beasley: Remember this: There is a thin line between comedy and humor.

Julian Bond/Tom Waits, Brick [2.18]

Elliott Gould/Kate & Ann McGarigle [2.19]

Eric Idle/Neil Innes [2.20]

Shelley Duvall/Joan Armatrading [2.21]

:Jane Curtin: Well, Watergate cover-up co-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Erlichman, and Cubby Haldeman have been signed on as Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to comment on this unusual move, the three defendants quote in unison, “Why, because we like you!”
—-
:Emily Litella: [her phone messenge] Hello, this is Emily Litella. I’m not home right now. But I will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called, after you hear the sound of the jeep. [beep]
—-
:Sun Myung Moon: Good ev-e-ning, I am the Reverand Sun Myung Moon, leader of the Moonies!
:[title card appears that said "Night of The Moonies" accompanied by a music sting]
:Sun Myung Moon: We have come… for… the girl!
:Deprogrammer #1: This kid’s going BACK to her family!
:Sun Myung Moon: Whyyyy do you resist us? It is so much preseant to surrender and become one of us. Submit to the uneffortable, free yourself of human emotion.

Buck Henry/Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance [2.22]

:Jane Curtin: Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race’s winner, Seattle Slew.
:[cut to stock footage of the race]
:Jockey: [voiceover] Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey.. hey.. aiiee..! Ow-ay.. ow..! Ow.. ow.!
:Horse: [voiceover] It’s okay, we’ll be alright!
:Jockey: [voiceover] Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!
:Horse: [voiceover] We’re okay!
:Jockey: [voiceover] I know, my- ow!
:Horse: [voiceover] Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!
:Jockey: [voiceover] Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts– aiieee! Ow..!
:Horse: [voiceover] Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy!
:[cut back to Jane Curtin at the news deck]
:Jane Curtin: A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.

Season 3

Steve Martin/Jackson Browne [3.01]

:Yortuk Festrunk: [Czech accent] We are… two wild and crazy guys!
—-
:Dan Aykroyd: During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the navy, Percy has sex with a polar bear.
:Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a report that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.
:Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [looks offscreen] Will someone check that out?

Madeline Kahn/Taj Mahal [3.02]

Hugh Hefner/Liddy Titus [3.03]

Charles Grodin/Paul Simon [3.04]

Ray Charles [3.05]

:[Beginning of Weekend Update]
:Don Pardo: [voiceover] And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
:Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd: [shocked] What?!
:Don Pardo: [voiceover] [apologetic] Sorry, old script.

Buck Henry/Leon Redbone [3.06]

Mary Kay Place/Willie Nelson [3.07]

Miskel Spillman/Elvis Costello [3.08]

Steve Martin/Randy Newman, The Dirt Band [3.09]

Robert Klein/Bonnie Raitt [3.10]

Chevy Chase/Billy Joel [3.11]

:[fake NBC title card of "The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground"]
:Don Pardo: [voiceover] The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground will not be seen tonight, so that NBC will air the following special program.
—-
:[On Weekend Update, while Emily Litella is telling Chevy Chase that she missed him, Jane Curtin is not happy]
:Jane Curtin: [angrily] Emily?! What are you doing here?! SCRAM!
:Emily Litella: Oh, go to hell, Miss Clayton.

O.J. Simpson/Ashford & Simpson [3.12]

:[while the credits are rolling as O.J. Simpson and the cast waving good night, Don Pardo's voice chimes in.]
:Don Pardo: [voiceover] Next week, watch NBC’s Weekend with Lloyd Dobbyns. We’ll be back live on March 11, when our host will be Art Garfunkel, with musical guest Stephen Bishop and special guest Andy Kaufman. This is O.J. Pardo. The O.J. as in, Only Joking. Good night.

Art Garfunkel/Stephen Bishop [3.13]

Jill Clayburgh/Eddie Money [3.14]

Christopher Lee/Meat Loaf [3.15]

Michael Palin/Eugene Record [3.16]

:Todd: Mr. Brighton? Did I sent you the letter?
:Mr. Brighton: I don’t know.
:Todd: Because I forgot to stamp it!
:[Todd crushed Mr. Brighton's toes with his foot]
:Lisa Loopner: Your fly’s open, Mr. Brighton.
:Mr. Brighton: [fuming] YES, I KNOW!
:[Mr. Brighton left the Loopner household abruptly]

Michael Sarazzin/Gravity [3.17]

Steve Martin/The Blues Brothers [3.18]

:Dan Aykroyd: This just in, Garrett Morris is dead. A group of 8 youths has fatally shot the late Update correspondant at the kids’ playground. Another paraquat-related death.
:Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Richard Dreyfuss/Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman [3.19]

Buck Henry/Sun Ra [3.20]

Season 4

The Rolling Stones [4.01]

Fred Willard/Devo [4.02]

:Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight: The New York Yankees evened the World Series with two games apiece this afternoon, with a 4-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. [audience cheers and applauds] Though thrilled about today’s victory, millionaire-owner George Steinbrenner, in what he said was a precautionary move to ensure another world championship, purchased the entire Los Angeles Dodgers team, and immediately instated Billy Martin as the Dodgers’ manager for the rest of the series.
—-
:Bill Murray: Punk rock star, Sid Vicious, was arraigned yesterday in the night of the killing of his girlfriend. Vicious’ lawyer said that it may be difficult to get a fair trial for the ex-Sex Pistol, considering his name. So, during the proceedings, Sid will change his name from “Sid Vicious” to “Sidney, Not Such a Bad Guy Once You Get To Know Him.”

Frank Zappa [4.03]

Steve Martin/Van Morrison [4.04]

Steve Martin:(enters with a clamp on his head) I do not feel well tonight. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. It was though my heads was in a vice! I though it would go away, but it hasn’t. I took some aspirin-it meant nothing. I decided to continue with the show, anyway. Pardon me. What? There’s a clamp on my head? Aha! Those Saturday Night people! They didn’t even TELL me! I went through makeup and everything and nobody said a WORD!

Buck Henry/The Grateful Dead [4.05]

Carrie Fisher/The Blues Brothers [4.06]

Walter Matthau [4.07]

:[Richard Nixon showed his family his new political slogan that promotes his reformed personality]
:Richard Nixon: I got a million slogans. “The New Dick!” It is nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.
:Pat Nixon: It’s short and sweet, but I don’t think everyone will see it.

Eric Idle/Kate Bush [4.08]

Elliott Gould/Peter Tosh, Mick Jagger [4.09]

Michael Palin/The Doobie Brothers [4.10]

Cicely Tyson/Talking Heads [4.11]

Ricky Nelson/Judy Collins [4.12]

:Ricky Nelson: Hi mom, I’m home!
:Lucy: Is that you, Ricky?
:Ricky Nelson: Yeah, it’s me. [Got the milk from the refridgerator and a glass from the cupboard] Boy, the strangest thing happening to me on the way home today.
:Lucy: You’re not Ricky!
:[The "I Love Lucy" theme plays]
:Ricky Nelson: Yes, I am. I’m Ricky Nelson.
:Lucy: No, you’re not. If you’re Ricky, then who are Fred and Ethel?
:Ricky Nelson: The wacky neighbors?
:Lucy: All right, you’re right about that one. But if you’re Ricky, who are you bringing home for dinner tonight?
:Ricky Nelson: Uh.. Fred and Ethel?
:Lucy: No, it’s Cesar Romero. [panics] Cesar Romero!? Oh no! Ricky’s bringing home Cesar Romero and I forgot about the turkey! [she raced to the stove in a flash]
:[Ricky Ricardo enters with Cesar Romero accompanying him]
:Ricky Ricardo: Hi honey, I’m back from the club! And I brought a dinner guest, Cesar Romero!
:Lucy: [holding a ruined turkey that smoked from the pot] Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
—-
:Chico Escuela: Beil Murray is berry, berry, good to me and Hane Curtin is a sarcastic bisch.

Kate Jackson/Delbert McClinton [4.13]

Gary Busey/Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines [4.14]

Margot Kidder/The Chieftains [4.15]

:Fred Garvin: Call me… Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.
:[Shows title card while 20's sex music played over it]
—-
:Bill Murray: So if you’re a Rhesus Monkey and you want to donate your body to science, please hop in the box and sent yourself to “Rhesus Roundup, San Simian, California.”
—-
:Dan Aykroyd: I’m station manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is a subject of tonight’s Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint.
:Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not necessarily mean a lack of total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man’s career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there’s an old saying: “Behind every successful man there’s a woman.” A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn’t know about that, Dan, because there’s no old saying about what’s behind a miserable failure.
:Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let’s shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of the cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin’s last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you’re on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rate’s at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

Richard Benjamin/Rickie Lee Jones [4.16]

:[At the cast members' locker room while preparing for the show to start, Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd has a conversation on John Belushi's absence]
:Jane Curtin: I heard that John Belushi was still in California, was is he doing, 8 to 10 for possession?
:Dan Aykroyd: Uh, no. I think he is quite sick. He has an ear infection. He can’t go on a plane or his eardrum will burst.
:Jane Curtin: I hope he didn’t catch it listening to himself sing. I’ll see you Dan.
:Dan Aykroyd: Sure.
:[Jane exits]

Milton Berle/Ornett Coleman [4.17]

:Milton Berle: You folks on the show, hold it please. Let’s hear it for Lee Marvin and his witnesses, ladies and gentlemen. Take a bow. Lovely outfit. You always dress this classy? Now, uh… I don’t feel much like workin’, I got bad news, my wife ran away with my best friend… and I miss him.
—-
:Milton Berle: [in response to a sudden noise from the band stand] NBC just dropped another show.
—-
:Bill Murray: In Britain, where political campaigns are often a source of unmistakenly British wit, we have this from Prime Minister James Callaghan. Commenting on the likely defeat of his Labour Party by the Toeies in the upcoming British election, Callaghan quipped: “When I congratulate Mrs. Thatcher, I won’t know whether to clasp her hand or hand her a clasp!” When asked to explain that joke, Callaghan replied: “By the term ‘clasp’, I mean, of course, a paper clip, such as much be used to hold together the various important papers and documents which, as Prime Minister, Mrs. Thatcher would very likely be handling.” [Bill chuckles] There’ll always be an England!

Michael Palin/James Taylor [4.18]

:Jane Curtin: Last week, Britain elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman Prime Minister in European history. Right now, Weekend Update is bouncing a live signal between our studios and #10 Downing Street, London, where Prime Minister Thatcher is waiting to talk to us.
:[Margaret Thatcher appeared on the video screen]
:Jane Curtin: Mrs. Prime Minister, can you hear me?
:Margaret Thatcher: Yes, yes I can, Jane.
:Jane Curtin: Well, first of all, our congratulations on becoming Great Britain’s first woman Prime Minister.
:Margaret Thatcher: Well, thank you, Jane. Throughout our history, Great Britain has been blessed by several great women leaders, including Queen Victoria, Queen Elizabeth, Jeremy Faulk…
:Jane Curtin: Mrs. Thatcher, during the campaign, you stopped wearing those outlandish hats you were known for. Now that you’ve been elected, do you plan to start wearing hats again?
:Margaret Thatcher: [laughs] What are you talking about, Jane? This is a hat! Yes, it’s my lucky hat. I wore it all throughout the campaign.
:Jane Curtin: I see.. Well, turning to more serious matters, Mrs. Prime Minister, are you going to reverse England’s Rhodesia policy and lift sanctions against the new government?
:Margaret Thatcher: Yes, I’m leaning that way, Jane. After all, there was an election- one person, one vote. Now I ask you…
:Jane Curtin: Uh, excuse me… that wasn’t exactly “one person, one vote.” The whites were obviously…
:Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Can I just finish? There is an internal settlement, there is a black Prime Minister elected in a democratic election.
:Jane Curtin: Uh, not democratic. The internal settlement..
:Margaret Thatcher: May I finish?
:Jane Curtin: The internal settlement guaranteed the whites a disproportionate number of seats in Parliament, enough to veto any meaningful change in the next ten years! Whites will control the Police, the Army, the Civil Service, housing.. perpetuating the system of oppression that fuels the fire of revolution, and creates a breeding ground for Soviet expansionism!
:Margaret Thatcher: Jane, you are an ignorant slut.
:Jane Curtin: Thank you, Prime Minister Thatcher, for joining us tonight.

Maureen Stapleton/Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow [4.19]

:Jane Curtin: Dan, you self-important swine ass.
—-
:Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you magnificently ignorant slut.

Buck Henry/Bette Midler [4.20]

Season 5

Steve Martin/Blondie [5.01]

Eric Idle/Bob Dylan [5.02]

Bill Russell/Chicago [5.03]

:Jane Curtin: Miss Lillian Carter removes her makeup. This and other stories coming up on Weekend Update next.

Buck Henry/Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers [5.04]

Bea Arthur/The Roches [5.05]

Howard Hesseman/Randy Newman [5.06]

:Bill Murray: The British rock group, The Who, Cincinatti’s Riverfront Stadium, and a concert promoter were named as co-defendants in a $27 million class-action suit, because of the mishap that occured earlier this week. The legal proceedings was marred, however, when they broke for lunch, four city councilmen were trampled to death.

Martin Sheen/David Bowie [5.07]

Ted Knight/Desmond Child & Rouge [5.08]

Teri Garr/The B-52′s [5.09]

:Jane Curtin: This just in: Paul McCartney was freed, but the crisis continued in Tokyo.
—-
:Father Guido Sarducci: I had a bunch of Quaaludes in my sock.
—-
:Father Guido Sarducci: Live from New York and the wonderful empire of Japan, it’s Saturday Night.
—-
:Mr. Potato Head: [sings]
:I am Mr. Potato Head
:The pride of Ireland green.
—-
:Lady Pinth Garnell: Tune in next week on Bad Playhouse, where we present an awful Japanese version of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales. So until then, good night.

Chevy Chase/Marianne Faithfull [5.10]

Elliott Gould/Gary Numan [5.11]

Kirk Douglas/Sam & Dave [5.12]

Rodney Dangerfield/J. Geils Band [5.13]

(hostless)/Paul Simon, James Taylor & David Sanborn [5.14]

Richard Benjamin & Paula Prentiss/The Grateful Dead [5.15]

Burt Reynolds/Anne Murray [5.16]

:[Vomitorium sketch]
:Suave Roman: Hey miss, what’s your name?
:Anorexia: Anorexia.
:Suave Roman: Oh, sounds like anorexia to me.
—-
:Jane Curtin: Against the doctor’s orders, the ailing ex-Shah of Iran had drove from Cairo to Tehran in his car, and then proceeds to repeatedly honking his horn while saying “Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.” However, the Iranian police did not noticed him as Moscow probe prohibits them from arresting those who’s driving like a idiot.

Strother Martin/The Specials [5.17]

Bob Newhart/The Amazing Rhythm Aces, Bruce Cockburn [5.18]

:Al Franken: The top ten shows for the 1979-1980 television season included some A’s, some B’s, some C’s, and some S’s. Did you see any N’s? No. Not one N. Why? Because Silverman is a lame-o! And I heard he has a nice limosine service. I like to call it “A Limo for a Lame-o.”
—-
:[after Mr. Bill was caught trying to escape]
:Mr. Hands: Uh oh, they see you. And the warden (Sluggo) says that you are surrounded. So stand up and reach for the sky.
:Mr. Bill: [still trapped in rubble] No wait! I’m stuck! So don’t shoot, okay?
:[prison firing squad don't believe him and fires shots under Warden Sluggo's orders anyways]
:Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They shot me! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
:[The firing squad shoot spells the words "THE END" over Mr. Bill's body]
:Mr. Hands: Bye bye!

Steve Martin/3-D, Paul & Linda McCartney [5.19]

Father Guido Sarraduchi: (outside Paul McCartney’s den) Well, the pence hitting the window didn’t work. My serenading didn’t even work, but I know THIS is going to work. Rock. (Throws a rock at the window-the lights turn on). That’s an old gossip columnist trick. Miss Roland taught me that one. Works every time. He’ll be out-I know it. (Paul comes out) Here he comes and this is it if you can believe it!

Buck Henry/Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & The Voices of Unity [5.20]

:Butler: Lord and Lady Douchebag!
—-
:Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven’t seen you at the House of Lords in ages! Don’t tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?
:Lord Douchebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.
:Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag.
—-
:[During the goodnights]
:Buck Henry: Thank you for coming. Good night… and goodbye.

Season 6

Elliott Gould/Kid Creole & The Coconuts [6.01]

:Charles Rocket: Meanwhile, actor Cary Grant today, slapped former Weekend Update anchorman Chevy Chase, with a $10 million defamination suit, for allegally calling him a “homosexual” on NBC-TV’s “Tomorrow” show. Grant charges that Chase’s remarks were completely and totally false, and added, “He’s the homo, not me. And one more crack like that and I’ll scratch his eyes out, Mary!”
—-
:Elliott Gould: Well, the- the network, uh, has asked me to, uh- to extend the invitation to the President-Elect, his family, and all of you out there to eat as much Creole and Coconuts as you can. And, uh- [turns to each cast member] this is Gail.. and that’s Denny, and Ann.. and.. this is Gil, and Joe, and, uh.. [Charles raised his hand] Charles. And uh.. we’re gonna be around forever, so I hope we can… keep on coming back.

Malcolm McDowell/Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band [6.02]

Ellen Burstyn/Aretha Franklin, Keith Sykes [6.03]

:[On Weekend Update, during the Saturday Night Sports segment]
:Raheem Abdul Mohammed: All I’m saying is that y’all stay on the hockey courts and the polo fields, and let us stay on the basketball courts. ‘Cause if God would have wanted whites to be equal to blacks, they should have one of these.
:[He pulls out a boombox]

Jamie Lee Curtis/James Brown, Ellen Shipley [6.04]

David Carradine/Linda Ronstant, The Cast of Pirates of Penzance [6.05]

:NBC Executive: I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?
:Cheerleader: I’m sure am!
—-
:NBC Executive: There’s just one thing. You are a virgin, aren’t you?
:Cheerleader: I’m sure… [realized she is not] I- [NBC executive walks away] Wait!
—-
:Nun: Damn you, Father Sarducci!

Ray Sharkey/Jack Bruce and Friends [6.06]

Karen Black/Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio [6.07]

Robert Hays/14 Karat Gold [6.08]

Sally Kellerman/Jimmy Cliff [6.09]

Debbie Harry/Funky 4 + 1 More [6.10]

Charlene Tilton/Todd Rundgren, Prince [6.11]

:[During the goodnights, Charles Rocket is in his wheelchair with a bandage on the wound of his neck]
:Charlene Tilton: Charlie, how do you feel when you got shot?
:Charles Rocket: [muttering] Oh man, I have been shot through my entire life. I like to know who the fuck did that?
:[The cast responded with a mix of shock and laughter to the curse word]
:Charlene Tilton: Okay!

Bill Murray/Delbert McClinton [6.12]

:Ann Risley: The press hasn’t been overly kind.
:Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “Saturday Night Live is Saturday Night Dead.”
:Cast: [groans] Oh, come on, geez.
:Bill Murray: “From Yuck to Yeech.” [cast groans still] My favorite though, is, “Vile From New York.”
:Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.
:Bill Murray: Come on! It’s funny, it’s funny!
—-
:[The author is writing his novel while the actors performed a scene from the novel behind him]
:Author: “He chose his wife.”
:[The husband shot his wife]
:Author: “She screamed–”
:[The wife screams in pain]
:Author: “–and fell to the couch.”
:[She is going to fall to the couch, but the other actor pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall on the couch]
:Author: No, that’s not good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”
:[The husband shot Mr. Lawnsdale]
:Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He– Lawnsdale fell to the ground.”
:[Mr. Lawnsdale fell to the ground]
:Author: No, no, that’s not good. “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the plate-glass window.”
:[The actor who plays Mr. Lawnsdale stares at the author in confusion, but proceeded to perform the revision anyway]
:Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.”
:[Mr. Lawnsdale stand up and staggers]
:Author: “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”
:[Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, craddles the books in his arms and falls to the ground]

(none)/Jr. Walker & the All-Stars [6.13]

:Al Franken: After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen] So, NBC wants to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen again] But instead, without consulting the show’s staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian. Now, I don’t want to be cruel to Jean — because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Anyway, it took NBC 12 shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone like me, Al Franken? [His name appeared again] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know Dick. Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No english-speaking person could do the worst job than Jean. And I think it’s time that we should get this tired old format off the air. So if you write for me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Just write to: Put SNL To Sleep, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10020. And one more thing, me and Tom Davis are hosting Saturday Night Live next week, with musical guest, The Grateful Dead. So watch that. After that, don’t watch it anymore.
:[Audience applauds]
:Chevy Chase: And that’s the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Season 7

(none)/Rod Stewart [7.01]

Susan St. James/The Kinks [7.02]

George Kennedy/Miles Davis [7.03]

Season 8

Season 9

Season 10

Season 11

Season 12

Sigourney Weaver [12.01]

:Derek Stevens: (singing “The Lady I Know”)
:There’s a lady I know
:If I didn’t know her
:She’d be the lady I didn’t know.
:And my lady, she went downtown
:She bought some broccoli
:She brought it home.
:She’s choppin’ broccoli
:Choppin’ broccoli
:Choppin’ broccoli
:Choppin’ broccoli
:She’s choppin’ broccoli
:She’s choppin’ broccoli
:She’s chop.. ooh!
:She’s choppin’ broccola-ah-ie!

Malcolm-Jamal Warner/Run-DMC [12.02]

Rosanna Arquette/Ric Ocasek [12.03]

:Mephistopheles: (hypnotically at camera) You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live enternally!
:Doug Llewellen: That’s all for this edition of “The People’s Court.”
:Mephistopheles: Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obedience to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!
:Baliff: Come on, let’s go! Come on!
:Mephistopheles: Wait, wait just a second… Obey me! Obey me! (laughs wickedly)
—-
:Dennis Miller: Tonight’s top story: Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse turned up in the People’s Republic of China this week to promote their series in Chinese television. This is just part of a worldwide Disney organization, which also includes “Goofy in Beirut” and also a new Disney character, “Hassenfutz in Nicaragua.”
—-
:Dennis Miller: And the New York Mets defeated the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 of the World Series tonight, prompting New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner to fire his manager Lou Piniella.

Sam Kinison/Lou Reed [12.04]

Robin Williams/Paul Simon [12.05]

Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, Martin Short/Randy Newman [12.06]

Steve Guttenberg/The Pretenders [12.07]

William Shatner/Lone Justice [12.08]

Joe Montana & Walter Payton/Debbie Harry [12.09]

Paul Shaffer/Bruce Hornsby & The Range [12.10]

Bronson Pinchot/Paul Young [12.11]

Willie Nelson [12.12]

Valerie Bertinelli/Robert Cray Band [12.13]

Bill Murray/Percy Sledge [12.14]

Charlton Heston/Wynton Marsalis [12.15]

John Lithgow/Anita Baker [12.16]

John Larroquette/Timbuk 3 [12.17]

Mark Harmon/Suzanne Vega [12.18]

Garry Shandling/Los Lobos [12.19]

Dennis Hopper/Roy Orbison [12.20]

Season 13

Steve Martin/Sting [13.01]

Sean Penn/LL Cool J, Michael Penn & The Pull [13.02]

Dabney Coleman/The Cars [13.03]

Robert Mitchum/Simply Red [13.04]

Candice Bergen/Cher [13.05]

Danny DeVito/Bryan Ferry [13.06]

Angie Dickinson/Buster Poindexter, David Gilmour [13.07]

Paul Simon/Linda Ronstadt [13.08]

Robin Williams/James Taylor [13.09]

Carl Weathers/Robbie Robertson [13.10]

Justine Bateman/Terrance Trent D’Arby [13.11]

Tom Hanks/Randy Travis [13.12]

Judge Reinhold/10,000 Maniacs [13.13]

Season 14

Season 15

Season 16

Roseanne Barr/Deee-lite with Bootsy Collins & the Rubber Band [16.13]

:[The Happy Fun Ball sketch]
:Kid 1: It’s happy!
:Kid 2: It’s fun!
:Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3: It’s Happy Fun Ball!
:Announcer: Yes, it’s Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that’s sweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today!
:Announcer: [suddenly, in a serious tone] Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
:Announcer: Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
:Announcer: Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
:Announcer: Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
:Announcer: Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: Itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremites, loss of balance and coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations.
:Announcer: If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
:Announcer: Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
:Announcer: When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Inc., and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
:Announcer: Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball includes an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, probably from outer space.
:Announcer: Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
:Announcer: Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
:Announcer: Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime warranty.
:Announcer: [back in energetic tone again] Happy Fun Ball! Accept no substitutes!

Season 17

Season 18

Matt Foley sketch:
:Chris Farley:First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
:Chris Farley:You’re gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and livin’ in a van down by the river!
:Chris Farley:Young man, what do you want to do with your life?
:David Spade:Well, actually, I kind of want to be a writer.
:Chris Farley:Well, la-dee-Frickin’-da! We got ourselves a writer here! Hey Dad, I can’t see real good, is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
:Chris Farley:Dad, I wish you would shut your big YAPPER!
:Chris Farley:From what I here you’re using that paper for doobie rollin’. Well there’s gonna be plenty of time for rollin’ doobies, when you’re LIVIN’ IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
:Chris Farley:Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?
:Christina Applegate:(Sarcastically)I wanna live in a van down by the river.
:Chris Farley:Well you’ll have plenty of time for livin’ in a van down by the river when…YOU’RE LIVIN’ IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Season 19

Season 20

Season 21

Season 22

Season 23

Season 24

Season 25

Season 26

Season 32

Season 33

Season 34

Season 35

Ryan Reynolds/Lady Gaga [35.2]

MTV4 Skit (Lady Gaga and Madonna)
:Madonna: What the hell is a discostick?
:Lady Gaga: (singing) I think you know.
:DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to behave
:Lady Gaga: Ok we’ll try.
:Lady Gaga: Hey guess what Madonna…I’m totally hotter than you.
:Madonna: Hey guess what (hits Lady Gaga’s head) I’m totally taller than you. And what kinda of a name is Lady Gaga? It sounds like baby food.
:Lady Gaga: The kind that’s #1 on the Billboard charts (attacks Madonna)
:DJ Dynasty Handbag: I said behave beotches
:Madonna: You better stop interrupting us
:Lady Gaga: Yeah we’re pop icons Respect (gives Madonna a high 5)
(Lady Gaga and Madonna start to fight again)
:DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to kiss and make up
:Madonna: Ok
:Lady Gaga: Excellent
:Madonna: You made my ring come off
:Lady Gaga: Sorry
:DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other
(about to kiss then DJ Dynasty Handbag gets in between them.

Source: Wikiquote