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Reba (TV Series) quotes

Reba (October 5, 2001 – February 18, 2007) is a sitcom that aired on the defunct WB Television Network and now airs on The CW at 7/6c.
Reba: I trust Cheyenne. She’s a good girl.
Barbara Jean: I was a good girl.
Reba: C-R-A-A-P!
Barbara Jean: [enters kitchen] Yoo-hoo. I’m here and I’m THIN!
Reba: [like a blimp] Yeah, thin as a stick and dumb as one.
Barbara Jean: [standing right side of Reba] Yikes. What’s eatin’ Goober Grape?
Van: They look like the number ten.
Barbara Jean: Look, you’re my little Reba Raccoon (removes sunglasses to expose burns).
Barbra Jean: Aw, there’s my Reba-Rooba-Roo!
Reba: [cheerfully] Call me that again and I’ll slap the blonde right off ya!
Brock: There are three things a man thinks about. I want a sandwich. I want a woman. I want a woman who can make me a sandwich.
Barbra Jean: [Hugs Reba]
Van: [Walks in from kitchen with Cheyenne] It was then that they realized neither one of them needed a man. [Audience laughs]
Cheyenne: Kyra, guess what Elizabeth’s first word was.
Kyra: Help?
Reba: Do you know what a teenager is?
Barbara Jean: A demon
Reba: A bully
Reba: If they know your scared your dead
Barbara: But I am Scared
Reba: Of course you’re scared – you’re dealin’ with a demon!
Barbra Jean: [to Kyra] You bring people together. You’re like a little Reverend Al Sharpton.
Barbra Jean: Maybe next time I’ll marry someone who’s ex-wife appreciates me!
Reba: Kyra, what on Earth would make you wanna hit someone?
Cheyenne: It’s her way of showing affection.
Kyra: Yeah, that’s right. Now why don’t you come over here for a little hug.
Reba: I know what Kyra is doing!
Brock: Like you did with Cheyenne?
Reba: Oh, one time! The one time our daughter gets pregnant and I never hear the end of it!
[Cheyenne, 18, is planning her shotgun wedding]
Cheyenne:This is so much fun! We should have done this junior year!
Reba: No, you were right to wait.
Reba: [when Kyra is helping B.J. feel better after she and Brock separate] You’re a beautiful young woman.
Kyra: Or maybe you just raised me right. And I watch a lot of “7th Heaven”.
Barbra Jean :I can’t live with an evil presence in my house.
Reba: Then you shouldn’t have married him
Electrician: [to Barbra Jean, about Reba] Wow, your mom’s a real grouch.
[Barbra Jean looks flattered]
Electrician: [pause]
Barbra Jean: I know, right?
Reba: If Thanksgiving were a concert, the turkey would be Cher.
Barbra Jean: So, you want to have Thanksgiving here, and you want Cher?
Reba: That’s right. I’ve got turkey, babe!
Reba: Hey, Jake. What are you watching?
Jake: The Weather Channel. More rain for Brazil.
Reba: [when Van gets an injury involving his spine and tail bone] It’s a mother-in-law’s job to make the best of a bad situation.
Van: [sarcastically] I thought it was a mother-in-law’s job to make butt-jokes about her son-in-law.
Reba: We wear many hats.
[Reba is shocked by Barbra Jean's new Reba haircut]
Barbra Jean: So, what do you think? Is it me?
Reba: [furiously] No. It’s me!
Barbra Jean: [in the hospital, after Cheyenne had a false labor,
Barbra Jean sits down on a chair] Um! I think my water just broke!
Reba: Oh no, you’re sitting on my purse!
Reba: Jake Mitchell Hart are you lying to me?
Jake: Yes! No one mocks me and gets away with it!
Reba: So, did that boy even go upstairs? (Boy as in Krya’s friend)
Jake: No! And I didn’t know he was a boy, I thought he was an ugly girl!
Reba: You are in big trouble! no tv, no dessert, and Grandma gets her cell phone back!
[She takes the gameboy SP back and Jake runs upstairs]
Barbra Jean: Boop! You’ve got mail!
[opens Kyra's laptop and makes poses]
Reba: [to Brock] Boop! You’ve got a goof-ball!
Reba: You treat that animal like it can walk on water!
Barbra Jean: What is “dog” spelled backwards reba?
[conversation about why barbara jean's dog is missing goes on for another 2 minutes]
Van Montgomery: GOD! it spells god.
Kyra: I thought you said Barbra Jean is where brain cells go when they die.
[Van is sleeping, drooling on his sheets. Reba comes in telling him to wake up]
Van Montgomery: Awwww! I was dreaming about waffles!
Van Montgomery: I’ll be with my friends, you’ll be with yours. Then we’ll hook up later. It’ll be just like junior year! Except we’re married, you’re pregnant, and everything is different.
Reba: You want me to sign a permission slip for bigamy?
Cheyenne: [as Van eats cereal directly out of the box] Honey, what are you doing?
Van: I’m trying to get the prize, and if I use my hands it will be unsanitary.
Cheyenne: Oh, and that’s a lot better than a giant bulging cereal gut.
Van: [laughing] Oh! Ha,ha! You’re funny, sweetheart. That’s why I married you – your sense of humor. Oh wait, no. It was the baby.
Dolly Majors: And you are gonna be the prettiest woman in the office!
Reba: Oh, Second to you!
Dolly Majors: Hey, we’re not comparing apples and melon’s here.
Cheyenne: [about Kyra living with Barbra Jean and Brock] She must be making their lives a living nightmare.
Reba: [laughs] I know!
[Straightens up]
Reba: I mean…
Reba: I know.
[Van laying on the bed because he cant play football Friday night]
Cheyenne: Wanna go to the movies?
Van: No.
Cheyenne: Wanna fool around?
Van: No.
Cheyenne: Wanna eat some pizza?
Van: No.
Cheyenne: [Yells] MOM!
Reba: You mom’d
Brock: Reba, where’d this come from?
Reba: Wrong Answer.
Reba: Who would spennd 4,000 dollars on a diamond princess tiara, foxy women linguire, and go on a 175 dollar shopping spree and Joy for Jesus Bookstore.
Kyra: Barbra Jean
Barbra Jean: Yoo-hoo,I’m here and I’m thin!
Reba: Thin as a stick and dumb as one.
Van: They look like the number 10.
Reba:[wakes up]It was just a dream.
Barbra Jean: Yoo-hoo,I’m here and I’m thin!
Reba: And the nightmare continues.
[Kyra walks through the door]
Reba: Kyra, where have you been?
Kyra: I went to get something to eat.
Van: Where are you going?
Kyra: To get something to eat.
Van: See you next year!
Barbra Jean: Give me a boost.
Reba: Me boost you? You’ll pound me into the ground!
Barbra Jean: Ding dong!
Reba: Yes you are.
Barbra Jean: Whst if I said “knock knock”
Reba:Then I would say “You’re a ding-dong!
Van: Yeah, Cheyenne, who’d you rather see across the breakfast table. My mom or your mom?
Cheyenne: -smiling- My mom.
Reba: Of course. Van’s mom never sits at the breakfast table. She might accidentally eat something.
Jake: Don’t you think it would be cool to be on a TV show?
Reba: A TV show? Nah. I think it’d be cool to be a singer.
Van: He didn’t hurt me….. You can’t hurt steal!
Brock: {About Barbara Jean} You don’t understand, Reba. She shot me!
Reba: Brock, honey, The gun I own doesn’t shoot paint. Go ahead. Make my day.
Barbara Jean: Yoo-Hoo! I’m here! And I’m…
Reba: Oh, Shut up and have a doughnut!
Cheyenne: Mom, that’s my cupcake!
Reba: Well, you’re on a diet.
Cheyenne: So are you.
Reba: So is she!
Cheyenne: Okay, Mom. The truth is this is the first time I’ve cheated on our diet.
Reba: I’ve cheated every night this week.
Reba: Come on, guys. What are we, some desperate hungry animals?
{Bell dings;Reba, Cheyenne, and Barbara Jean Runs to the kitchen}
Reba Dolly, make yourself at home. My house is your house. Just don’t sell it, OK?
Reba: {to Dolly} I’m sorry the house is so messy. I have kids.
Barbara Jean: {From background} Reba!
Reba: She’s not one of them.
Reba: {To Dolly about Barbara Jean} If you don’t leave now,this is the moment that you will regret for the rest of your life.
Reba:{To Dolly} You’re right. I’m not a shark. I’m more like one of those cute little fish from Finding Nemo.
Reba:{About Dolly} Yeah, I’m starting to see the resemblance between her and Barbara Jean.
Van: Sometimes I like to feel… new pretty.
{Reba and Barbara Jean at a karaoke bar hearing Cheyenne sing The Morning After off-key}
Barbara Jean: You think that used to be a song?
Reba: No wonder Elizabeth used to cry every time she sang to her.
{Reba and Barbara Jean listening to Cheyenne Sing}
Reba: Oh, boy. I don’t understand it. Why didn’t she just tell us she was singing?
Barbara Jean: Would you?
Jake {Imatating Reba} Look at me. I’m Mom. I like bossing people around.

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Reba (TV series)
Reba: Jake! You wouldn’t let your sister (Kyra) get eaten by a dinosaur, would you?
Jake: Do you know any?
Van: Of course God has a sense of humor, just look at ostriches!
Barbara Jean: Well so you finally got me you’re paying me back. I took your man so now you’re taken mine.
Reba: I didn’t take your man you already have one that’s all you get they’re not collectables.
Barbara JeanReba I am so sorry I doubted our friendship when I was in there eavesdropping I realized how special our relationship is, so take the hunky doctor
Barbara Jean: new rule no saying dumb at the table
Kyra: New rule no being dumb at the table
Barbara Jean: I Wanna be you so bad
Reba: Everybody Does
Van: Cheyenne, I’m having conflicting thoughts… You know I only like to have one!
Reba: (to Van after he says he doesn’t believe in God) This is a God fearing house so start fearing.
(later on in that scene)
Barbara Jean: Reba, i found a verse in the bible that might help Van. (reba gestures to barbara jean to say it) “And jesus said unto his deciples…” What is wrong with you boy?! (starts hitting him with the bible) it’s either streets of gold or lakes of fire it’s your choice Van!
Reba: Barbara Jean, hitting him with the bible is not gonna make him believe in God!
Barbara Jean: that’s the way my Daddy did it.
Van: (Coming down the stairs wearing only a mexican hat and his boxers)Cheyenne, I need you. I need you to come upstairs and fix the lamp I broke. (seeing reba on the couch) REBA! REBA REBA REBA!
Reba: It’s gonna be hard
Ruby: Well it aint no harder than living with a crazy white family.
Reba: You know, the problem with all of this is that there’s no instruction manual.
Ruby: Really?
Reba: No
Ruby: Come here, Reba. Read your bible right there (Points)
Reba: “I was hungery and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink. I was a stranger…” (Looks at Ruby)
Ruby: “And you invited me in”
Reba: Oh Ruby, I’m gonna miss you. (Hugs Ruby) I really am
Ruby: I’m gonna miss you too Reba… the blonde with the braids, not so much.

Source: Wikiquote