Edward Lewis

• You and I are such similar creatures, Vivian. We both screw people for money.

• Impossible relationships. My special gift is impossible relationships.

Vivian Ward

• [to Edward] If I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.

• I want the fairy tale.

• Honey, I’ve got a runner in my pantyhose. I’m not wearing pantyhose.

• People always do what you tell them to do? …I guess so.

• The first guy I’ve ever loved was a total nothing. The second was worse. My mom called me a bum magnet. There was a bum in a fifty mile radius, I was completely attracted to him.

• The bad things are easier to believe. Haven’t you noticed that?!

• You’ll buy a snap dog and we’ll cop a squat under a tree or somewhere.

• I appreciate the whole seduction thing you’ve got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I’m a sure thing.

• I think you have a lot of special gifts, Edward.

• I’m gonna treat you so good, you’re never going to let me go.

Kit De Luca

• Yo, Viv, babe. Would ya come down here? The Sphincter Police won’t let me through.

• Fifty bucks, Grandpa. For seventy-five, the wife can watch.

• Those are two very specific examples of crackheads.

Others

• Philip Stuckey: [about Morse] He mortgaged everything he owns, right down to his underwear, to secure a loan from the bank.

• Magician at party: No matter what they say, it’s all about money. So let’s imagine, ladies, that you’re a savings and loan officer. Watch – one, two, three; see, you’ve got it all, and we’ve got nothing. You’ve got all four, take a look.

• Happy Man: Welcome to Hollywood! What’s your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don’t; but keep on dreamin’ – this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin’.

Dialogue

:Edward: When you and I were dating, did you speak to my secretary more than you spoke to me?
:Susan: She was one of my bridesmaids.
:Vivian: Wait a minute that’s a Lotus Esprit!
:Kit: No, that’s rent. You should go for him. You look hot tonight. Don’t take less than a hundred. Call me when you’re through Take care of you.
:Vivian: Take care of you.
:Vivian: Hey, sugar, you lookin’ for a date?
:Edward: No, I want to find Beverly Hills. Can you give me directions?
:Vivian: Sure. For five bucks.
:Edward: Ridiculous.
:Vivian: Price just went up to ten.
:Edward: You can’t charge me for directions!
:Vivian: I can do anything I want to, Baby; I ain’t lost.
:Edward: I hadn’t exactly planned this.
:Vivian: Do you plan everything?
:Edward: Always.
:Vivian: Yeah me too! I’m actually, no I’m not a planner. I would say I’m a kinda fly by the seat of your pants gal, you know moment to moment. Yeah that’s me, that’s…yeah.
:Edward: I guess this is not the greatest time to be a hooker, is it?
:Vivian: Look, I use condoms always. I get checked out once a month at the free clinic. Not only am I better in the sack than an amateur, I am probably safer.
:Edward: I like that; that’s very good. You should have that printed on your business card.
:Vivian: If you’re makin’ fun of me, I don’t like it.
:Edward: [laughs] No, I’m not making fun of you. No, I don’t. I’m not. I wouldn’t offend you. I’m sorry. What’s your name?
:Vivian: What do you want it to be?
:Vivian: Man, this baby must corner like it’s on rails!
:Edward: Beg your pardon?
:Vivian: Well, doesn’t it blow your mind? This is only four cylinders!
:Edward: Tell me, what kind of what kind of money you girls make these days? Ballpark.
:Vivian: Can’t take less than a hundred dollars.
:Edward: Hundred dollars a night?
:Vivian: For an hour.
:Edward: An hour? You make a hundred dollars an hour and you got a safety pin holding your boot up? You gotta be joking.
:Vivian: I never joke about money.
:Edward: Neither do I.
:[He turns to her.]
:Edward: Hundred dollars a hour. Pretty stiff.
:[She reaches over into his lap.]
:Vivian: Well, no but it’s got potential.
:Vivian: What is your name?
:Edward: Edward.
:Vivian: Edward? That’s my favorite name in the whole world!
:Edward: [mock seriously] No!
:[A well-dressed couple observe Edward and the scantily-clad Vivian as an elevator arrives.]
:Vivian: Well, color me happy! There’s a sofa in here for two!
:[The man moves to enter, but his wife stops him. A chagrined Edward turns to the couple.]
:Edward: First time in an elevator.
:Woman: Ah.
:[Edward enters. The woman turns to her husband.]
:Woman: Close your mouth, dear.
:Vivian: Wow! Great view! I bet you can see all the way to the ocean from out here.
:Edward: I’ll take your word for it. I don’t go out there.
:Vivian: Why don’t you go out there?
:Edward: I’m afraid of heights.
:Vivian: You are? So how come you rented the penthouse?
:Edward: It’s the best. I looked all around for penthouses on the first floor, but I can’t find one.
:Vivian: Well, now that you got me here, what are you going to do with me?
:Edward: You wanna know something? I don’t have a clue.
:Vivian: You know, you could pay me. That’s one way to, maybe, break the ice.
:[Vivian hops up onto Edward's desk in a sultry pose.]
:Edward: You’re on my fax.
:Vivian: Well, that’s one I haven’t been on before.
:[Vivian pulls a fistful of condoms from her purse.]
:Vivian: Pick one. I got red, I got green, I got yellow I’m out of purple, but I do have one Gold Circle coin left the condom of champions, the one and only nothin’ is gettin’ through this sucker. Whaddya say, hmm?
:Edward: A buffet of safety.
:Vivian: I’m a safety girl.
:Vivian: So Edward, are you in town on, uh, business or pleasure?
:Edward: Business, I think.
:Vivian: Business, you think. Well let me guess. That would make you a lawyer.
:Edward: A lawyer?
:Vivian: Umm-hmm.
:Edward: What makes you think I’m a lawyer?
:Vivian: You’ve got that, um sharp, useless look about you.
:Vivian: Listen, I I appreciate this whole seduction scene you’ve got goin’, but let me give you a tip I’m a sure thing, okay? So I’m on an hourly rate. Could we just move it along?
:Edward: Somehow, I’m sensing that this time problem is a major issue with you. Why don’t we just get through that right now.
:Vivian: Great! Let’s get started.
:Edward: How much for the entire night?
:Vivian: Stay here? [small laugh] You couldn’t afford it.
:Edward: Try me.
:Vivian: 300 dollars.
:Edward: Done. Thank you. Now we can relax.
:[A flummoxed Vivian gets up.]
:Vivian: Are you sure you want me to stay for the entire night? I mean, I could just pop ya good and be on my way.
:Edward: To tell you the truth, I don’t feel like being alone tonight.
:Vivian: Why, is it your birthday, or something?
:Edward: No.
:Vivian: I mean, I have been the party at a couple of birthdays.
:Edward: Hmpf. I bet you have.
:Edward: Oh, by the way, Phil about your car
:Philip Stuckey: Oh God. What?
:Edward: It corners like it’s on rails.
:Philip Stuckey: What?! What does that mean? Edward Edward
:[Grinning, Edward hangs up.]
:Vivian: [after Edward catches her singing along to "Kiss" by Prince in the tub] Don’t you just love Prince?
:Edward: More than life itself.
:[Fumbling with his tie, Edward tells Vivian about his business.]
:Vivian: You don’t actually have a billion dollars, huh?
:Edward: No. I get some of it from banks, investors it’s not an easy thing to do.
:Vivian: And you don’t make anything
:Edward: No.
:Vivian: and you don’t build anything.
:Edward: No.
:Vivian: So whadda ya do with the companies once you buy ‘em?
:Edward: I sell them.
:[Viv reaches for his tie.]
:Vivian: Here, let me do that. You sell them.
:Edward: Well, I don’t sell the whole company, I break it up into pieces, and then I sell that off, it’s worth more than the whole.
:Vivian: So, it’s sort of like, um stealing cars and selling ‘em for parts, right?
:Edward: [sighs exasperatedly] Yeah, sort of. But legal.
:Edward: I will pay you to be at my beck and call.
:Vivian: Look, I’d love to be your beck-and-call girl, but
:Edward: Any questions?
:Vivian: Can I call you Eddie?
:Edward: Not if you expect me to answer.
:Vivian: I would have stayed for two thousand.
:Edward: I would have paid four. I’ll see ya tonight.
:Vivian: Baby, I’m gonna treat you so nice, you’re never gonna wanna let me go.
:Edward: Three thousand, for six days, and Vivian, I will let you go.
:Vivian: I called and called! Where were you last night?
:Kit: Ma?
:Thompson: Now, Mr. Lewis, however, is a very special customer, and we like to think of our special customers as friends. Now, as a customer, we would expect Mr. Lewis to sign in any additional guests, but as a friend, we’re willing to overlook it. Now, I’m assuming that you’re a [long pause] relative?
:Vivian: [meekly] Yes.
:Thompson: I thought so. Then you must be his
:[Thompson gives Vivian an expectant nod. Another long pause.]
:Vivian: Niece?
:Thompson: Of course. Naturally, when Mr. Lewis leaves, I won’t see you in this hotel again. I assume you have no other uncles here?
:Bridget: Now, I’m sure we’re gonna find something here that your uncle would love.
:Vivian: Bridg? He’s not really my uncle.
:Bridget: They never are, dear.
:Vivian: Hello!
:Edward: Never, ever pick up the phone.
:Vivian: Then why’re you calling me?
:Vivian: All right. I’ll meet you in the lobby, but only ’cause your payin’ me to.
:Edward: Well, thank you very much.
:[He hangs up the phone and turns to the receptionist.]
:Edward: Get her back for me, please.
:Vivian: ‘Lo?
:Edward: I told you not to pick up the phone.
:Vivian: Then stop callin me.
:[Edward snickers and hangs up.]
:Vivian: [grinning] Sick.
:Thompson: I have a message for you, sir.
:Edward: From who?
:Thompson: Ah, from your niece, sir.
:Edward: My what?
:Thompson: The young lady who’s staying in your room, sir.
:Edward: Oh. Hmm. I think we both know that she’s not my niece.
:Thompson: Of course.
:Edward: The reason I know that, is that I am an only child.
:Vivian: You’re late.
:Edward: You’re stunning.
:Vivian: [grinning] You’re forgiven.
:[Vivian accidentally launches an escargot, which is deftly caught by the mâitre-d.]
:Vivian: Slippery little suckers.
:Mâitre-D: It happens all the time.
:Vivian: Let’s watch old movies all night we’ll just veg out in front of the TV.
:Edward: “Veg out”?
:Vivian: Yeah. Be still like vegetables. Lay like broccoli.
:Edward: Look, I’ll tell ya what. I’ll be back. We’ll do broccoli tomorrow.
:Vivian: The stores are not nice to people I don’t like it.
:Edward: Stores are never nice to people. They’re nice to credit cards.
:Edward: You see this young lady over here?
:Hollister: Yes.
:Edward: Do you have anything in this shop as beautiful as she is?
:Hollister: Oh, yes.
:[Edward gives Hollister a look.]
:Hollister: Oh, no! No, no! No. I’m saying we have many things as beautiful as she would want them to be! [babbling] That’s the point I was getting at. And I think we can all agree with that. That’s why, when you came in here, you knew from the first
:Edward: You know what we’re gonna need here? We’re going to need a few more people helping us out. I’ll tell you why. We are going to be spending an obscene amount of money in here. So we’re going to need a lot more help sucking up to us, ’cause that’s what we really like.
:Hollister: Ohhhh!
:Edward: You understand that.
:Hollister: Sir, if I may say so, you’re in the right store, and the right city, for that matter!
:Hollister: Exactly how obscene an amount of money were you talking about? Just profane, or really offensive?
:Edward: Really offensive.
:Hollister: [to himself] I like him so much.
:Hollister: Mr. Lewis? How’s it going so far?
:Edward: Pretty well, I think. I think we need some major sucking up.
:Hollister: Very well, sir. You’re not only handsome, but a powerful man. I could see the second you walked in here, you were someone to reckon with
:Edward: Hollister.
:Hollister: Yes, sir?
:Edward: Not me. Her.
:[Vivian, smartly dressed and carrying many bags, stops in at yesterday's clothing store.]
:Vivian: Do you remember me?
:Salesperson: No, I’m sorry.
:Vivian: I was in here yesterday. You wouldn’t wait on me?
:Salesperson: Oh.
:Vivian: You work on commission, right?
:Salesperson: Ah, yes.
:Vivian: Big mistake. Big. Huge! [turns away] I have to go shopping now!
:Edward: I was very angry with him. It cost me ten thousand dollars in therapy to say that sentence: “I was very angry him.” I do it very well, don’t I? I’ll say it again: I was very angry with him. “Hello, my name is Mr. Lewis, I am very angry with my father.”
:Vivian: I would’ve been angry at the ten thousand dollars.
:Vivian: Did I mention my leg is 44 inches from hip to toe, so basically, we’re talkin’ about
:[She wraps her legs around Edward.]
:Vivian: 88 inches of therapy wrapped around you, for the bargain price of
:Edward and Vivian: [in unison] three thousand dollars!
:Gretchen: Edward’s our most eligible bachelor. Everybody is trying to land him.
:Vivian: Well, I’m not trying to land him. I’m just using him for sex.
:Elizabeth Stuckey: ‘[about Vivian]” She’s sweet, Edward! Wherever did you find her?
:Edward: 976-BABE.
:Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
:Edward: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
:Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?
:Matron: Did you enjoy the opera, dear?
:Vivian: Oh, it was so good, I almost peed my pants!
:[Vivian walks off.]
:Matron: Wha ?
:Edward: She said she liked it better than The Pirates of Penzance.
:[Edward offers Vivian a condo, car, and a shopping allowance.]
:Vivian: What else? You going to leave some money by the bed when you pass through town?
:Edward: Vivian, it really wouldn’t be like that.
:Vivian: How would it be?
:Edward: Well, for one thing, it would get you off the streets.
:Vivian: That’s just geography.
:Edward: Vivian, what is it you want? What do you see happening between us?
:Vivian: I don’t know. When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would I would pretend I was a princess, trapped in the tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly, this knight, on a white horse, with these colors flying, would come charging up and draw his sword and I would wave, and he would climb up the tower, and rescue me. But never in all the time that I had this dream did the knight say to me, “Come on, baby, I’ll put you up in a great condo.”
:Edward: I’ve never treated you like a prostitute.
:[He walks away.]
:Vivian: You just did.
:Kit: Maybe you guys could, like, um you know, get a house together, and like, buy some diamonds, and a horse I don’t know. Anyway it could work! It happens!
:Vivian: When does it happen, Kit?
:Vivian: I just wanna know who it works out for. You give me one example of somebody that we know that it happened for.
:[They start talking over each other.]
:Kit: Name someone? You want me to name someone?
:Vivian: Yeah, you know a person that it’s worked for.
:Kit: You want me to, like, give you a name, or something?
:Vivian: Yeah, I’d like a name.
:Kit: Oh, God, the pressure of a name Cinde-fucking-rella!
:Edward: So what happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her?
:Vivian: She rescues him right back.

Major cast

• Richard Gere Edward Lewis

• Julia Roberts Vivian Ward

• Ralph Bellamy James Morse

• Jason Alexander Philip Stuckey

• Laura San Giacomo Kit De Luca

• Alex Hyde-White David Morse

• Amy Yasbeck Elizabeth Stuckey

• Elinor Donahue Bridget

• Hector Elizondo Hotel Manager Barney Thompson

• Larry Miller Mr. Hollister

Source: Wikiquote