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Season 1

A Bellwether in One’s Cap

:Virgil: Every person has a gift, and in that gift lies their destiny. You, Mighty Max, are the Chosen One.
:Max: Chosen One? What did I win? Cash? Prizes? Video games? Where’s Ed McMahon?

The Brain Suckers Cometh!

:Virgil: Max, my boy… you are earth’s only hope!
:Max: You know, I knew you were going to say that. Come on man. What about the air force, or the U.N.? Arnold Schwarzenegger? I mean we don’t want to hog all the glory for ourselves.
:Virgil: I’m afraid the aliens’ ships are invisible to radar and your military is no match for their superior firepower.
:Max: Oh, and I am? How about Norman? I really have a good feeling about him.
:Norman: I eat aliens for breakfast!
:Max: Ha, you see? They’re even on his diet.
:
:Max: Hey Virg, how come you can’t fly?
:Virgil: I learned to read instead.

Snakes & Laddies

:Max: Watch out, Bea! There are…
:Bea: Three hideous looking things in black robes behind me?
:Max: Yeah. How’d you know?
:Bea: Lucky guess.
:
:[Max grabs the Ankh of Power from around Jiffy's neck as it glistens in the moonlight.]
:Max: Hey, cool special effects! Yo, Ven… what’s the gimmick?
:Venom: No! You’ve disrupted the celestial timing! Do you realize what you’ve done?!
:Max: Spoiled your moontan?

Day of the Cyclops

:Max: [opening and sniffing what he thinks is insect repellant] Whoo! That’ll keep the bugs away. [He reads the label on the bottle] Huh, “Turkish furniture polish.” Nice going, Mom…
:
:Norman: I don’t mind being outnumbered.
:Max: Oh, yeah? Do you mind being locked up in a Turkish prison for the rest of your life?!

Let Sleeping Dragons Lie!

:Max: Virg, why do I get the feeling that waking the Doom Dragon is a bad thing?
:Virgil: When the Doom Dragon arises, he will rupture Odin’s rift, cracking the world asunder!
:Max: Uh-huh… sort of, “have you riven a fjord lately?”
:
:Norman: Slow as ever, ungainly beast. Slow and stupid!

Rumble in the Jungle

:Virgil: What on earth are gorillas doing, driving chariots?
:Max: Trying to kill us, Virg!
:
:Max’s mom: I don’t know, Virgil. Do you think Max is okay?
:Virgil: Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll be all right. I mean, it’s only a bloodthirsty eight-hundred-pound gorilla wanting to tear him limb from limb. He’s faced much worse!
:Max’s mom: Gee, thanks.

The Mother of All Adventures

:Max’s mom: Max, what are you gonna do with that thing?
:Max: I don’t know, Moth-er… I thought I’d ask the big guy out for a game of stickball!
:
:Max’s mom: I just wanted something special for the museum… I never thought it could lead to the end of civilization as we know it!
:Max: It’s okay, Mom… it could happen to anyone!

Norman’s Conquest

:Virgil: Wait, there may be security devices… aha, just as I thought! Now first, I will have to disable the trip wire surrounding the lid. Then I’ll use a mirror to deflect the beam from the infrared motion detector. And finally, I’ll exchange it with an object of equal weight so as to circumvent the pressure alarm… [chuckles]
:Max: [grabs a wooden plank] I got a better idea.
:[The camera cuts to a security guard who is startled by the sound of crashing glass and an alarm.]
:
:Spike: [dangled over a cliff by Norman] You can’t kill me! If you do, you’ll be no better than me!
:Norman: [drops him] I can live with that.
:Spike: [falling] I’m not through with you yet!
:[An avalanche of snow falls on Spike.]
:Norman: Wrong.

Less Than 20,000 Squid Heads Under the Sea

:Virgil: Take care, Mighty One. I have doubts about our host’s mental stability.
:Max: Not me, I know he’s crazy.
:
:Max: You…English…how?!
:Calamaris: Trash. You through it away, we pick it up. Tastes good, too. You’re not going to hurt us, are you?

Bring Me the Head of Mighty Max

:Max: Is that any way to speak to the guy who just last week, I believe it was, saved the world from certain doom at the hands of Skullmaster?
:Bea: I’m sorry… I thought I was speaking to the guy who just last week spent two hours in the principal’s office for mooning the teachers’ lounge!
:
:Virgil: I’m sorry Mighty One, we must flee until you’re old enough to fulfill your destiny!
:Max: Old enough?! Hey, I’m old enough right now, man!
:Virgil: To go down to Skull Mountain?
:Max: Look, I already told you I am not going back down there! Besides, how do you know that’s my destiny?
:Virgil: Because I know almost everything.
:Max: Oh yeah? Okay… who was the king of England in 1298?
:Virgil: Edward the Second.
:Max: Well, how many people are living right now in… Calcutta?
:Virgil: Sixty seven million, nine hundred and eighty two thousand, seven hundred and thirty two… thirty three, sorry.
:Max: Okay, well, uh… [He puts a hand behind his back.] How many fingers am I holding up behind my back?
:Virgil: Three.
:[Max does a surprise take as he realizes that Virgil is correct.]
:Max: Whoa…

Werewolves of Dunneglen

:Cameron: [Remarking at the villain's revealed plan] So that’s it! Ye been milkin’ essence! But ye canno’ steal a werewolf’s immortality, woman. ‘Tis nontransferrable!
:
:Max: Another day, another monster blown to bits!

Out in the Cold

:Max: Virg, remind me to talk to you about the portals we’ve been using lately.
:Virgil: Once again you must save the world, Mighty One.
:Max: Yeah, yeah, yeah, so what’s the emergency this time, huh? Crazed ghouls? Rabid llamas? Three-toed sloths bent on world domination?
:Virgil: The cold weather.
:Max: Virg, hello… We’re in the Aleutians! What did you expect, sand dunes and camels?

The Maxnificent Seven

:Beowulf: [In a grappling contest with Warmonger] Say there, fella. Let me show you a little somethin’ I once taught a guy named Grendel! [referring to his famous battle with a Nordic demon, whose arm he ripped off in a similar event]

Season 2

Pandora’s Box part 1

Pandora’s Box part 2

Blood of the Dragon

The Missing Linked

:Max: Virgil, this wasn’t in the job description!
:Virgil: You weren’t hired, Mighty One… you were chosen!

The Year of the Rat

:Virgil: Lao-shu Chenwan, the Emperor of Rats, has returned to lead his people.
:Max: And is that good or bad?
:Norman: It’s good…if you’re a rat.
:Lao-shu: What is more intelligent than a rat? Why else would you humans use us for your experiments?
:Max: He’s got a point, there.

Zygote’s Rhythm

:Max: Come on, Virg. The only dinosaur living in Hawaii is big and purple and sings on TV.
:
:Zygote: My dinosaur can beat your dinosaur!
:Max: Oh, now we’re really mature.

The Cyberskull Virus

:Virgil: Using the Lemurian probability theorem, I’ve pinpointed his next destination! We have just minutes to get there!
:Max: Yeah, but what do we do when we get there?
:Virgil: That, Mighty One, is up to you.
:Max: Then… using the Max probability theorem… I’d say we’re in big trouble!

Along Came Arachnoid

:Max: [gulps] Fish pizza?
:Pizza Man: Yep! With sardines, clams, oysters and anchovie toppings!
:Max: Spewtime! What would make anyone eat a fish pizza?
:Pizza Man: It’s all paid for! Even my tip!
:Max: [grabbing the pizza] Hey you got any soda to go with that?
:
:Max: You couldn’t have spelled out the message in pepperoni?
:Virgil: I wanted to make sure you read it before you ate it, Mighty One.
:Max: Well, you think of everything, don’t you Virg?
:Virgil: I do my best.

The Axeman Cometh

Beetlemania

:Max: You can’t fly the plane.
:Bea: Why? Because I’m a girl?
:Max: Because you don’t know how.
:Bea: Yes I do. My mother taught me.

Souls of Talon

:Max: Whoa, a CD! No title? Just my luck, it might be the Village People.

Tar Wars

:Virgil: We must act at once, Mighty One!
:Max’s Mom: Max, you’re not going into that tunnel unless I go with you.
:Max: Ohh, I wonder if other superheroes had to bring their moms along when they save the world.
:Max’s Mom: Come on! You know I’m not like other moms. Careful honey, you might poke your eye out.
:
:Virgil: Anath ungth achka?
:Gor: Achka mokunde Gor.
:Max: Virgil, you speak grunt?
:Virgil: Yes. 150 dialects, actually. By the way, our new friend’s name is Gor.

Clown Without Pity

:Max: You think maybe it’s the ticket taker?
:Norman: [chuckles] I’ll punch his ticket!

Max VS Max

:Skull Master: Where is it, Mighty One?
:Max: Oh, what? The men’s room? I think it’s right around…
:Skull Master: The ARCANA!!

Cyberskull II the Next Level

:Norman: He’s small but he’s wiry.

Zygote Music

:Virgil: Zygote will never bother us again,he has evolved to the infinite, beyond such primitive concepts as good and evil.

Fuath and Beggora

Fly by Night

The Mommy’s Hand

I, Warmonger

:Max: What’s going on here?
:Virgil: Oh merely the end of the world!
:Max: Oh good. I was afraid it was something serious.
:Max: Virgil, the prophecy has got to have something to say about this mess?
:Virgil: With Skull Master’s demise, the prophecy no longer applies! Nothing but chaos remains.
:Norman: Works for me!

Dawn of the Conqueror

:Conqueror: I thank you.
:Max: For what? Beating you?
:Conqueror: For freeing me. I was doomed to fight for all eternity, until one warrior had the strength to best me. Now I can do what I’ve always wanted to do, join humanity! HELLO FRIENDS! [The gathered crowd runs in terror] Don’t run away… or I’ll smash you!
:Max: Uh, yeah… I think he needs to brush up on his social skills.

Sirius Trouble

Armageddon Closer

:[Scene: A room with several stone slabs as furniture]
:Max: Yeesh, what is this place?
:Norman: My room, Mighty One
:Max: Ah. Remind me never to have a pillow fight with you, Norman.

Armageddon Outta Here

Scorpio Rising

Good Golly Ms. Kali

:Max: If you’re wrong this time, Virg…
:Virgil: Preposterous! “Wrong” isn’t in my vocabulary.
:Max: Yeah… well, remind me to buy you a better dictionary!

Around the World in Eighty Arms

Cast

:Rob Paulsen – Max
:Tony Jay – Virgil
:Richard Moll – Norman
:Tim Curry – Skullmaster
:Tress MacNeille – Max’s mom
:Kath Soucie – Bea
:Corey Burton – Felix

Source: Wikiquote