Nicky

• Release the evil!

• Release the good. Release the awesome!

• I never been to Earth, Dad! I never even slept over some other dude’s house!

• Popeye’s Chicken is fuckin’ awesome!

• [ after being killed by a bus ] From now on, I’m just gonna try to avoid all moving metal objects.

• Get in the flask!

• The Prince of Darkness should have a sort of distinguished look to him, and let’s face facts, I’m no George Clooney!

• [ to a crowd of people ] I will eat your heart.

Beefy

• Kid’s got a lot of evil in him just beggin’ to come out!

• [ while peeing on Todd's door mat titled "I Love Acting" ] You love acting, I love pissing.

• [ after firing an arrow at Adrian through his genitals ] Now, that hurt the both of us.

• Look, it’s okay for me to shit in the street, but you gotta use a toilet.

• The shit has hit the fan, kid!

Other

• Peeper: I think Victoria just told me her Secret.

• Blind Deacon: [ after sensing Nicky's presence ] You make the Lord… very nervous.

• Priest/Adrian: In today’s gospel, the Lord tells us how we should live if we wish to attain the splendor of Heaven… or somethin’ like that. Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a wiffleball bat! (starts humming a funny tune)

• Basketball Audience Member: Now that was some straight up David Copperfield shit!

• Townie: You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls!

• Townie: You can do it, Ozzy! Bite his frickin’ head off!

• Gatekeeper: You can’t go through there! The fire flows in, not out! [Cassius and Adrian go through fire gate] You really suck!

• Gatekeeper: Now you’re gonna see what a big, horny bird actually looks like…in Hell!

• Demon: Popeye’s Chicken is the shiznit!

• Pete: My underwear is so far up my ass, I could taste it!

Dialogue

:Satan: But, after much thought and careful consideration, I’ve decided that the ruler for the next 10,000 years is going to have to be…me.
:Cassius and Adrian: WHAT?!
:Nicky: Hallelujah!!!!
:( they stare at Nicky ) I mean…that sucks!
:[ Peeper takes out a cell phone and dials. The son, Scottie, answers. ]
:Scottie: Hello?
:Peeper: Hello, Scottie. Say, why don’t you be a good little boy and go downstairs and let your mother get comfy, all right?
:Scottie: Who is this?
:Peeper: This is a big bird who wants to see the rest of Mommy. Nah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
:Mother: (gasps) Oh my God, Scottie, is that a man up our tree?
:Peeper: No, no! Tell her it’s just a bird! It’s just a big bird! [tries to imitate a bird] Bwak! Bwak, bwak bwak! Bwaaak! Bwaaaaaaaaak! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak!
:[NFL quarterback Dan Marino tries to strike a bargain with Satan.]
:Satan: I’m sorry. After careful consideration, I must respectfully decline.
:Dan Marino: I can’t stand retirement. Come on, just let me win one Super Bowl.
:Satan: In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul? You’re too nice of a guy for me to want to do that to you, Mr. Marino.
:Dan Marino: You did it for Namath.
:Satan: Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.
:Dan Marino: This sucks! I’ll just go to the Super Bowl as an announcer, and I’ll win myself an Emmy!
:Satan: That’s the spirit!
:Nicky: You’re a good devil, Dad!
:Satan: And I also happen to be a Jets fan!
:Nicky: Heh-heh.
:Grandpa Lucifer: What’s with all those “hoo-hoo” noises?
:Satan: Everything’s fine, Pop!
:Grandpa Lucifer: “Everything’s fine?” Who you bullshittin’? The last time you said everything was fine, the Renaissance happened!
:Satan: Please, Pop, go back to your room!
:Grandpa Lucifer: Hey, can I take him with me?
:[points to Gatekeeper]
:Satan: Sure, Pop, whatever you want. Tit-Head, go with my father!
:Jimmy: You were gone 10 seconds. What happened?
:Nicky: I got hit by this big light that was attached to a lot of metal!
:Satan: That’s a train, son. Don’t stand in front of them.
:Nicky: Well, I’ll have to take a mulligan on this one!
:Beefy: Welcome to Grand Central Station in New York City. My name is Beefy. I’m an old friend of your father’s. He asked me to help ya out!
:Nicky: I just wanna find my brothers and be on my way.
:Beefy: It’s not gonna be easy. Your brothers can possess people, so they probably won’t look like themselves. You have to be suspicious of everyone.
:Nicky: All right, “bro”. Well, the jig is up, then!
:( pulls out the flask ) Get in the flask. Come on, slide right in.
:Beefy: It ain’t me, moron.
:Nicky: Sorry, I…
:Beefy: Now, there’s this blind guy outside you might think is possessed, but he’s just crazy!
:Nicky: Okay.
:[Beefy is teaching Nicky how to eat. Nicky takes one piece of Popeye's Chicken, and looks at it]
:Beefy: Put it in your mouth.
:[Nicky puts it in his mouth]
:Beefy: Now, move your teeth up and down.
:[Nicky chews it with his mouth open]
:Beefy: Up and down. Good, Numb Nuts. Now you gotta swallow it. Tilt your head back, and let the meat slide down your throat hole.
:[Nicky gags]
:Beefy: Easy, don’t choke!
:Nicky: (swallows) Popeye’s Chicken is fuckin’ awesome!
:Beefy: Mm-hmm! Now, eat up, you’re gonna need your energy.
:Nicky: I got energy up the ying-yang! Let’s go save Dad!
:[ runs out onto street with flask ] Adrian! Cassius!
:[ gets hit by a bus ]
:Beefy: Oh, boy.
:Popeye’s employee: May I help you?
:Nicky: Get in the flask!
:Popeye’s employee: What are you talkin’ about, man?
:Nicky: I’m talkin’ about an eight piece. Let’s go.
:Todd: Aren’t you boiling hot in that outfit?
:Nicky: No.
:Todd: It’s like 80 degrees in this hallway. Where you from, The South?
:Nicky: Yes. The deep South. Ha ha ha ha!
:Todd: Why is that funny?
:Nicky: I don’t know.
:Todd: Oh, gross! He just opened his mouth and swallowed that spit!
:Beefy: Oh, that turn you on there, RuPaul? Heh-heh-heh!
:Father/Adrian: Yep, the Lord sure did say a lot of hibbity jibbity bibbity swibbity…but, has he ever really done anything for any of us? Has he ever put a Jaguar XJR in my driveway? No.
:Man: I love that car.
:Father/Adrian: Has the Lord given any of my enemies the Herpes?
:Man: (laughing)The Herpes?
:Father/Adrian: No!
:Woman: The Lord gave my son the strength to get off drugs!
[congregation cheers]
:Father/Adrian: Ma’am, I know your son. And believe me, he was better off on the drugs. At least when he was smoking hasish he used to make me laugh occasionally.
:Man: After we tried for many years, the Lord finally helped my wife conceive a baby.
:Father/Adrian: No, no, no. Your best friend, Fitzy, helped your wife conceive a baby. He helped her conceive it all night long!
:Fitzy: Hey, hey, hey!
:Father/Adrian: How ’bout you, Mayor? Has the Lord ever done anything for you?
:Mayor/Cassius: Well, you know, I…I wished I could think of something, but to be honest with you, I can’t! I can’t think of a damn thing he’s ever done for me! Kinda makes you wonder if there even is a Lord. If there even is an ultimate punishment for our so-called sins! Why don’t we all just have fun and do whatever the hell we want?! Hey, hey!
:Father/Adrian: Let the sin begin!
:Cassius: [thinking]“Let the sin begin!” That was a good one!
:Adrian: [thinking] This is so much fun! I never want it to end!
:Cassius: [thinking] Why should it end? Who’s gonna stop us?!
:Nicky: Your glasses are pretty; they make your eyes look big and sparkly. It’s fun looking at them.
:Valerie: Oh. My dad’s an optometrist.
:Nicky: My dad’s in Hell and he’s falling apart.
:Townie: You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls!
:Nicky: Good idea!
:Todd: I know this is your living room time, but could I maybe finish watching the Globtrotters out here? It’s the craziest game I’ve ever seen!
(one basketball player goes to shoot the ball, but the ref/Cassius blows the whistle)
:Ref/Cassius: He’s walkin’! Get him a bus!
:Todd: This is the part I don’t get.
:Announcer: Another terrible call; there’s no way that was traveling!
:Basketball Player: Whassup with all the calls? We haven’t lost a game in 53 years!
:Ref/Cassius: Guess what, Cornrows? Technical foul! You’re outta here!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!
:Little Boy: Why is the referee being so mean to the Globetrotters, Daddy?
:Boy’s Father: Hey, I’ve been watchin’ these guys play since I was your age.
:Boy’s Mother: It’s all part of the show, baby!
:[ before he makes a shot at a Globetrotters basketball game ]
:Nicky: ( to basketball ) I command you not to blow up and go into that metal circle. :[throws the basketball underhand, then at the last second, the ref jumps up and catches it]
:Ref: Get that crap outta here!
:Nicky: I know you’re having fun, Cassius, but you really gotta come back to Hell!
:Cassius: Look around you, Nicky! We’re in Hell. The new Hell! Ha ha ha!
:[Nicky looks over at the audience, and sees two pregnant women with Fitzy raising the roof, then to three men, shirtless, with the word "SIN" on their torsos]
:Old Lady: [as she swings a shirt around her head] Do it! Do it! Do it! Whee-eeee-eeeeeeeeee!
:Cassius: Ha ha ha!
:Nicky: I was sent here to take you back, and that’s what I’m gonna do!
:Cassius: Don’t make me take out the shovel again, Trick!
:Pete: I think we’re about to see a devil showdown!
:Nicky: You know, Dad got sick when you guys left!
:Cassius: I’m glad he’s dyin’…’cause it’s my turn now!
:Nicky: Your gonna wish you never said that [says Nicky while spinning the ball on his finger].
:[Cassius/Nicky start playing basketball]
:[Nicky makes a basket]
:Cassius: Where did you learn to do that?
:Nicky: Sorry Cassius,[Nicky pulls out the flask] it must be this super devil juice dad gave me
:Cassius: SUPER DEVIL JUICE? Gimmi that little girl.[Cassius drinks out of of the flask and gets sucked inside]
:Mom: NOW THAT WAS SOME STRAIGHT-UP DAVID COPPERFIELD SHIT!!
:Cassius: [Cassius from in the flask] Damn you Nicky there is no super devil juice in here.
:Jhon: Hail Nicky!!
:Pete: We are forever your slaves!!
:[ Beefy is having sex with another dog ]
:Beefy: Say “Mr. Beefy!” Say it! Say it!
:Female dog: “Mr. Beefy.”
:Beefy: Aaaaand…I love you!
:Chief of Police: This videotape will show what he did after he left the game.
:Nicky: [on the news videotape which is actually Scarface] Say hello to my little friend! My name is Nicky, and I’m gonna kill all you suckers for no reason!
:Nicky: That’s not me; that’s the cock-a-roach Tony Montana!
:Chief of Police: It’s difficult to watch, I know.
:Nicky: This is Adrian’s work!
:Beefy: He superimposed your head onto Scarface!
:Todd: Which is probably De Palma’s third best film.
:Nicky: Good luck with the nipple rubbing.
:Nipple Guy: I don’t need luck. I’m good!
:[ Nicky and Beefy are watching "Live with Regis and Kelly" ]
:Regis: So, I was driving to work today. Some bozo in a Cadillac cuts me off. So I followed him. When he got out of his car, I run up behind this guy and I start bashing his brains in with this bat. Did you ever see The Untouchables? I was De Niro!
:Audience member:What’s happened to you,Regis?!
:Beefy: Your brothers are upsetting the balance between good and evil!
:Nicky: Well, what can I do about it?
:Beefy: You can’t do Jack shit unless you learn your evil powers. Go get a soda out of the fridge.
:Nicky: But those are my roommate’s sodas.
:Beefy: [mockingly] “But those are my roommate’s sodas!” Does that sound like a statement the Son of the Devil would make?!
:Nicky: All right, take it easy!
:Beefy: Nicky, you have the power to change the cola in that can into any other liquid: engine oil, bat’s blood, moose piss. You just have to release the evil within!
:Nicky: Release the evil?
:Beefy: I’m just sayin’ there’s wickedness in you. I can tell from your snores!
:Nicky: Really?
:Beefy: Release your evil!
:Nicky: Release the evil. [tests his powers on the can of Coke]
:Todd: What are you doing?!
:Beefy: Oh! I– (leaps off the couch and hops onto the fire escape)
:Todd: All right, I’m going to pretend I didn’t see a dog on the couch, because my brain just can’t process that right now, but were you about to drink one of my Cokes?!
:Nicky: No. I was just looking at it. It’s beautiful.
:[ Todd opens the can and takes a sip ]
:Todd: This Coke tastes like Pepsi.
:Beefy: You changed a Coke into a Pepsi?? That was your big transformation?!
:Nicky: Come on man, give it up a little, I mean it was pretty good for my first try.
:Beefy: Do you even care that your brothers are killing your father?!
:Nicky: Yes, I care! And he is not going to die! [[flames appears in Nicky's eyes then a loud explosion is heard]
:Beefy: Atta-boy.
:Todd: [walks out of a hallway filled with smoke] I’m freaked out. My television just blew up.
:Nicky: You’re damn right it did! I mean, really?
(Shop Keeper appears)
:Shop Keeper: My man’s into deep nocturnal shit. (steals Nicky’s flask) Whoo! Mm-hmm, yeah!
:John: Yo, man, I think that guy just stole his stuff!
:Pete: Should we wake him up?
:John: Yeah. You do it.
:Pete: Rise and shine, Devil Guy! Some dude just stole your shit!
:Nicky: What?! Where?! (breathes fire coming out of his mouth; John and Pete stare at him in amazement) Which way did he go?
:John: Uh, that way!
:Nicky: Thanks! Gimme back my flask!
:Pete: Did you check out the dragon mouth?!
:John: The Dark Prince is here! (bang heads together)
:Shop Keeper: Check out my stuff, I got a low price! Uh, I got a pepper shaker! I got a silver doodad from Africa!
:Nicky: [approaches the stand] Hey.
:Shop Keeper: See somethin’ you like, my man?
:Nicky: Yes, I would like my flask back!
:Shop Keeper: You callin’ me a thief, my man?
:Nicky: I’m callin’ you the guy who has my flask.
:Shop Keeper: How would I have it unless, I was, in fact, a thief?
:Nicky: I don’t know.
:Shop Keeper: Now you’ve gone and done it. You’ve done messed with my buisness, bitch!
:Nicky: I would appreciate it if you would keep your voice down!
:[Flames appear in Nicky's eyes]
:Shop Keeper: Oh…you goin’ all crazy eyed on me! I’ll show you some crazy eye!
:[clicks tounge really fast with his fists up]
:Shop Keeper: Look at dis, c’mon, let’s get busy!
:Valerie: Excuse me, sir?
:Shop Keeper: Who?
:Valerie: Does, um, that flask belong to this man?
:Shop Keeper: Now you gonna call me a thief, too?! Damn!
:Valerie: Okay, look. Today, the guy you ripped off just happened to walk by and bust you, so why don’t you just–give him the flask back.
:Shop Keeper: What you gonna do if I don’t, bite me with your snaggletooth?
:Valerie: No…but maybe that policeman over there might have something to say.
:Shop Keeper: Hmm. Awwwww, take your dumb-ass canteen, Goofy! [turns to Valerie] And you, get your Raggedy-Ass clothes and find yourself another corner, before I show you what crazy really is!
:Valerie: Fine, I will!
:Shop Keeper: I’m a business man! Blah-blah-blah-blah!!!!
:Nicky: I’ll be seein’ you in a few years.
[Shop Keeper clicks tongue really fast at Nicky]
:John: Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out! [spins Ozzy record backwards, but just makes noise] What’s Ozzy tryin’ to say there?
:Nicky: John, absolutely nothing. The Blizzard always came straight with his messages. But wrap your minds around this, gentlemen.
:Beefy: Oh, no! Heh heh heh!
:Nicky: Chicago.
:[ Nicky plays a song by Chicago. ]
:Todd: I love this song.
:[ Nicky spins the "Chicago" album backwards ]
:Record: I command you in the name of Lucifer to spread the blood of the innocent!
:Pete: Oh my God, “Chicago” kicks ass!
:John: That was awesome!
:Todd: You know, guys, this cake…tastes a little funny.
:Pete: Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the mix. Thought I’d spice up the bash!
:Beefy: Really?!
:Nicky: What’s reefer?
:Beefy: About $500 bucks an ounce! Heh heh heh heh!
:Blind Deacon: THE HELL BEAST IS ABOVE US!!! AND I CAN SMELL AN EVIL SLUT!!
:[shoots the deacon with water from a fire hydrant]
:Blind Deacon: WHOA, DEVIL!!!!
:Valerie: Did you do that?
:Nicky: Nobody calls my girl an evil slut.
:[after being ratted out by Pete and John]
:Todd: Judas!
:Pete: Yeah, Judas Priest, maybe.
:Blind Deacon: Why ya tauntin’ me with your darkness?! Your evil, it’s stinkin’ up our streets! THE END IS NEAR!!!! WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!
[runs into a lamppost]
:Valerie: This town is really going to Hell lately!
:Beefy: I used to get messed up like this with my first girlfriend, Heather. We’d get so loopy, she would forget I was a dog!
:John: She was a human?
:Beefy: No, she was a sewer rat!
:(everyone laughs hysterically)
:Beefy: Man, that pissed my parents off!
:Todd: You know, I was in love once, but she said I wasn’t financially reliable and she needed that.
:John: Now, by “she”, do you mean “he”?
:Todd: No.
:Beefy: Busted!
:Pete: Hey, how you feelin’ over there, Satan Abdul-Jabbar?
:Nicky: A little strange. I can’t stop thinking about this girl, Valerie.
:Todd: Why? Did she hurt you? Do you need to cry on my shoulder?
:John: Easy, Liberace.
:Todd: Oh, would you grow up?!
:Nicky: I was having the best day with her, until Adrian made me tell her she had a heart-shaped heiny.
:Beefy: Maybe you love her, but what do I know, I can’t even see straight!
:Todd: Hey, you guys can crash here. I have an extra futon in the bedroom.
:John: Eh, that’s a big pass, Elton John.
:Satan: That’s right! You heard me, Holly!
:Holly: What?
:Satan: I’m still in love with you!
:Satan: Okay, kids, meet your new home!
[flask is shoved up Hitler's ass]
:Hitler: HOLY SHIT!! OH-HO-HO!!!!

Taglines

• If Your Father Was The Devil, And Your Mother Was An Angel, You’d Be Messed Up, Too.

• Be Unafraid. Be Very Unafraid.

• He’s Never Been To Earth, He’s Never Even Slept Over Another Dude’s House!

• Being Evil Ain’t Easy.

Source: Wikiquote