Life of Brian quotes
Reg: What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it’s the meek who are the problem.
:Reg: But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
:PFJ Member: Brought peace?
:Reg: Frustrated Oh god, peace, SHUT UP!
:Mandy: Now, you listen here: ‘e’s not the Messiah, ‘e’s a very naughty boy! Now, go away!
:Mr. Frisbee III: Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say:
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle,
Don’t grumble. Give a whistle.
And this’ll help things turn out for the best. And…
Always look on the bright side of life.
:[The audience members at the back of the crowd are having trouble hearing the Sermon on the Mount.]
:Man: I think it was, “Blessed are the cheesemakers”!
:Gregory’s wife: What’s so special about the cheesemakers?
:Gregory: Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
:Brian: I’m not the Messiah!
:Arthur: I say you are, lord, and I should know… I’ve followed a few.
:Brian: …Will you please listen? I’m not the Messiah! Do you understand? Honestly!
:Woman: Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!
:Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right, I am the Messiah!
:Crowd: He is! He is the Messiah!
:Brian: Now fuck off!
:Arthur: How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?
:Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion?
:Mr. Cheeky: Ah, no. Freedom.
:Nisus Wettus: What?
:Mr. Cheeky: Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn’t done anything, so I can go free and live on an island somewhere.
:Nisus Wettus: Oh, oh that´s jolly good well. Off you go then.
:Mr. Cheeky: No, I’m only pulling your leg, it’s crucifixion really!
:Nisus Wettus: [laughing] Oh, I see, very good. Well…
:Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out the door, one cross each, line on the left.
:[The members of "The People's Front of Judea" are sitting in the amphitheatre. Stan has just announced that he wants to be a woman and wants to be called "Loretta," and is explaining why.]
:Stan: I want to have babies.
:Reg: You want to have babies?!?!
:Stan: It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.
:Reg: But … you can’t HAVE babies!
:Stan: Don’t you oppress me!
:Reg: I’m not oppressing you, Stan. You haven’t got a womb! Where’s the fetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?
:Boring Prophet: And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friends’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock…
:Blood & Thunder Prophet: …and shall ride forth on a serpents’ back, and the eyes shall be red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall rise over the hill of excitement and throughout the land there will be a great rubbing of parts…
:Centurion: Oh, and uh…throw him to the floor, sir?
:Pontius Pilate: What?
:Centurion: Throw him to the floor again, sir?
:Pontius Pilate: Oh yes, throw him to the floor, please.
:Brian: There’s no pleasing some people.
:Ex-leper: That’s just what Jesus said, sir.
:Prisoner: Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
:Brian: Look, you’ve got it all wrong! You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody! You’ve got to think for yourselves! You’re all individuals!
:Crowd: [in unison] Yes! We’re all individuals!
:Brian: You’re all different!
:Crowd: [in unison] Yes, we are all different!
:Man in crowd: I’m not…
:Reg: [reading prepared statement] “We, the People’s Front of Judea, brackets, official, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. ”
:Reg: “Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites…”