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• Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn’t help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is- suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now!

• 59th Emmy Awards acceptance speech, September 8 2007

• “Kathy Griffin’s Jesus Remark Cut from Emmy Show”, Reuters, September 11 2007. URL accessed on June 04, 2008 .

Hot Cup Of Talk

• You know what’s great about my mom? She compulsively swears and doesn’t know it. Like…I mean, she doesn’t have Tourettes. I could never get that lucky. Can you imagine how it would be to have parents with Tourettes? I would be in heaven…but anyway. That is one funny fucking disease.

• Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let’s talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says “telly” instead of “television” and she uses the word “actually” way too much and then she’s also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she’s being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she’s got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, “Well, Madonna, we’re so glad to have you at the Golden Globes.” (speaks in Madonna British accent) “Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly”. You know. Look, I’m from the midwest- its a TV.

• There’s something about Shania Twain I just don’t trust. I don’t know, I can’t put my finger…she’s just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass.

• (describing Celine Dion’s family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.

• She (Mariah Carey) could not fuck more black rappers. Oh, yeah. If your name is “Puff” or “Daddy,” she’ll fuck you.

• She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who’ll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it.

• I don’t know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets.

• So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)

• Kathy Griffin: Hot Cup Of Talk (1998)

The D-list

• Don’t you love the new crazy Britney, she’s our new Liza.

• Huh, guess ah shouldn’t huh did it. (imitating Britney‘s 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar.

• I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, “Cracky.” Allegedly.

• I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues.

• (Recalling her conversation with Anna Nicole Smith eating lunch) All of a sudden, she takes a bite of something and she goes like this (makes a disgusted face) “I don’t lahk it.” I go, “What’s the matter, honey?” and she goes “I don’t lahk it. I thought it was mashed pataters.” PA-TAY-TERS! I heard it with my own ears. PATATERS. Britney probably wants to marry her now. So, anyway, I looked on her plate and said, “No, it’s polenta” and, I swear to God, she looks at me and goes “Pimento?” I said, “No, that’s an olive. “Polenta”- it’s like mushed-up cornmeal.” She goes, “I don’t lahk it. I thought…” Mashed pateters, I got it.

• (Recalling her speech at an AMFAR event that was intended to be a parody of Sharon Stone‘s earlier speech, reciting the lyrics to John Lennon‘s “Imagine”.) Ladies and gentlemen, I am so honored to be here and Sharon spoke so eloquently before that it reminded me of something I once read a long time ago. You ain’t nothin but a hound dog. Oh, gosh, that reminds me, many years ago I was walking down the street in Memphis and I said, “Whoa- that’s Elvis“…and I fucked him. I fucked him hard. I did, I did. Sure, he called me ‘Cilla the whole time, but I didn’t mind. (sobbing) Cryin’ all the time, well, you ain’t never caught a rabbit and you ain’t no friend of mine.

• Kathy Griffin: The D-List (2004)

Allegedly

• Let’s just say I’m gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience.

• I am going after everybody. I’m going after Paltrow. Fuck her. Fuck her!

• I saw Larry King and he was interviewing Pam Anderson. And it was really fun because Pam Anderson…remember when Pam Anderson did her hepatitis tour? Remember when she got hepatitis and then she did a press tour about it, because she is very conscious of woman’s issues, and she went on Larry King and she’s talking about it. Oh, and by the way, she said she got it from Tommy Lee, which, of course, she did. And Tommy Lee said she got it from a door knob. And…I’m sure that’s at least what she got from Tommy Lee. I saw Tommy Lee at an award show two weeks before, I got crabs just from looking at him. So, anyway, she’s talking a minute and then she had had her boobs reduced, you know, she keeps getting reduced and bigger and stuff. And then, Larry has the balls to say to her (imitating Larry King), “Aren’t you afraid of that plastic surgery?” and, in the meantime, his ears meeting at the back of his neck.

• Kathy Griffin: Allegedly (2004)

Straight To Hell

• The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn’t say that about Ryan, she’s a very good hostess.

• I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had $90 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!

• Wake up people! If you are gay and living in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, what the fuck else are you gonna do? You’re gonna join the musical theatre. That’s all you got in Pigeon Forge – there’s no bear bars. This is it! Suit up…..put the wings on!

• I don’t give a fuck who’s gay or straight in the Senate. Who cares? But it’s always the one that they have all this tape of, saying gay people shouldn’t have civil rights, gay people aren’t the same, I would never want a gay person……those are always the ones trying to get a headjob at the fucking airport bathroom at the Minneapolis airport!

• (On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I’m here to tell you that she is actually…….um…..retarded!

• I know I’m going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there.

• (On William Shatner) He is like my favourite red-faced, bloated booze bag.

• Kathy Griffin: Straight to Hell (2007)

Source: Wikiquote