Rainbow Randolph

• Bastard son of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed ball of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbie! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherfucker!

• That fuschia fuck! I’m gonna tear him apart, piece by piece!

• Even when you’re squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud.

• [Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped cookie made by Randolph] What are you, blind? It’s a cock! It’s not a rocket, you sick fuck! It’s a cock! Look. It’s a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It’s a big stiffy! Yeah, it’s a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don’t you see that? It’s Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It’s made from dil-dough.

• You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I’m not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I’m goin’ on safari, motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I! [makes an elephant noise]

• [to a baby, after framing Sheldon] Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino’s a Nazi!

• [after getting egged] I’ve been shot! I’m bleeding! Salmonella! You’re a lawyer! That’s salmonella!

• [after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, that’s it, you spudsucking fucks! I’m suing your Riverdance asses! [heavy Irish accent] Have you all shipped back home, eh?!

• [to Sheldon] Bite me, Buddha!

• [to Sheldon] Do not start with your magician’s tricks, young Moses! I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave…and this is my kingdom!

• [As Randolph and Buggy are dangling from a ceiling catwalk] Let go of me you FUCKING JUNKIE!

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy

• When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

• [singing] He slams the door, He stomps his feet, He sends me to bed with zilch to eat. But my step-dad’s not mean, he’s just adjusting.

• Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus Christ, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys, it wasn’t about the bells and whistles and the ricketa-racketa; it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.

• Now I’m not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone’s gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and…poke either of you.

• You can’t change the world but you can make a dent.

• Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming.

• Don’t talk to me like that. I am not your puppet.

• Let’s face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the butt, Burke!

• There are a lot of kids and a lot of junkies out there who are counting on me.

Other

• Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.

• Tommy Kotter: [at a funeral] It’s a shame this happened. Okay, now let’s go pray and get shit-faced.

• Nora Wells: You’re here to sell sugar and plastic.

• Merv Green: Wipe your forehead Frank, you got plenty of time to sweat.

• Merv Green: Eventually we all grow old and die, only sometimes the growing old part doesn’t happen.

Dialogue

:Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?
:Wife: Yes, very much.
:Randolph: Then don’t tell me how to run my fucking business.
:Tommy: We’re going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove ‘em up his ass.
:Sheldon: Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.
:Roy: Cops won’t do the ball thing, it’s against procedure.
:Sheldon: I’ll be in my office, the big one with a view!
:Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!
:Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!
:Sheldon: So remember kids, a step-dad is a lot like a new puppy. They need patience and love while they adjust to their new surroundings. But remember – if he is ever abusive to you or mommy, what are the magic numbers?
:Kids: 9-1-1!
:Sheldon: Thaaaaaaat’s right!
:[Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]
:Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
:Randolph: And limber.
:Cop: Are you okay?
:Randolph: I don’t know. I’m kinda fucked up in general, so it’s hard to gauge.
:[Merv gets kidnapped by the mob]
:Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I only did it to help the children!
:Tommy Kotter: You like kids, eh?
:Merv Green: Yes!
:Tommy Kotter: You like fairy tales, then?
:Merv Green: Yeah!
:Tommy Kotter: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.
:Tommy Kotter: Roy, have you got the hammer?
:Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.
:Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.
:Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret – if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it’s blast-off time.
:Reporter: How does it feel to be the most hated man in America?
:Randolph: In this country full of neanderthals, I wear it as a fucking badge of honor.
:Reporter 2: Nora Wells says you have an unhealthy obsession with Mopes.
:Randolph: I barely know that bitch, okay? And she’s been down on everything but the Titanic. She spreads like cream cheese for Sheldon.
:Reporter 3: What about the rumors that you’re mentally imbalanced?
:Randolph: Who the fuck said that?! That’s bullshit. I’m not mentally imbalanced. I’m on the same dosage I’ve always been.
:[As Randolph and Buggy dangle from a ceiling catwalk]
:Randolph: Let go of me you FUCKING JUNKIE
:[As Buggy loses his grip]
:Buggy: I never saw Venice

Taglines

• Get ready for an unexpected hit.

• He’s Big, He’s Blue, He’s Smoochy… and He’s got to DIE!

• It’s the Rhino vs. the Wino… with a little help from the mob

Cast

• Robin Williams

• Edward Norton

• Catherine Keener

Source: Wikiquote