Boy Meets World quotes
:Cory: You mean you didn’t have a good date?
:Eric: No, I had a great date! She knew what to do, what to say. She was so cool. But her date dropped food, tripped over seats and couldn’t think of anything good to say for nine innings.
:[Mr. Feeny takes Cory's headphones after he catches him listening to a walkman radio during class.]
:Feeny: What is this, Mr. Matthews?
:Cory: Huh? What’d you say, Mr. Feeny? You took my hearing aid.
On the Fence [1.2]
:Cory: Dad, I need a job.
:Alan: You need to be a kid.
:Cory: I wanna be able to afford stuff!
:Alan: So do I!
:Cory: What? Do all women have antennas hidden somewhere on their bodies?
:Eric: I dunno. None of them will let me look.
Father Knows Less [1.3]
:Feeny: Anyway, that night it was announced that President Truman was going on the radio to announce the war was going to end, and I asked my father if I could stay up with him to listen to it. What do you think he said?
:Cory: I’m guessing either yes or no, but we both know how I do on multiple choice.
:Cory: [to Feeny] It’s hard to imagine you as a kid. Did your parents call you Mr. Feeny?
Cory’s Alternative Friends [1.4]
:Morgan: Mommy, if my dolly is cold, can I put her in the toaster oven?
:Amy: No, honey, that would be a mistake.
:Morgan: I made a mistake.
:Amy: Cory, what did you do to your beautiful hair?
:Cory: It wasn’t beautiful, it looked like Velcro!
:Eric: Nothing’s gonna stick to that now, man.
Killer Bees [1.5]
:Cory: Math: two plus two is always four. Science: the Earth always goes around the sun. History: Lincoln always gets shot in the head.
:Feeny: Lincoln got off easy.
:Feeny: All right, Mr. Matthews, I will take you on. I shall prep you for the tournament. I know that your motives are not pure, but I hope your quest for the prize will lead you to the temple of knowledge.
:Cory: Yeah, yeah, if it’s on the way.
Boys II Mensa [1.6]
:Cory: Well, how come when I make paper airplanes I get detention and he doesn’t?
:[Feeny and Cory look towards Minkus making a paper airplane like a miniature-scale model of a helicopter.]
:Cory: I withdraw the question.
:[Eric has bought Morgan a zombie costume for Halloween.]
:Amy: There weren’t any Cinderella costumes?
:Eric: Hundreds of them.
:Amy: And you had to pick axe-in-the-head here?
:Eric: It was the last one, Mom. She picked it out herself, it was her decision.
:Alan: Eric, 24 hours ago she didn’t have any idea what a zombie was.
:Morgan: The undead are cool!
Grandma Was a Rolling Stone [1.7]
:Cory: [referring to a baseball card] She paid $7 for it at a swap-meet.
:Shawn: $7 in dog years: a Cal Ripkin rookie goes for $150 easy. Your grandmother must really love you.
:Cory: Or she shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
:Shawn: You’re kidding, aren’t you?
:Cory: I’m not sure.
:Eric: Nice? She’s beautiful. I mean, she’s the most incredible girl I ever kissed.
:Cory: Which puts her on a list of about two?
Teacher’s Bet [1.8]
:Cory: Minkus, get a life. That’s your homework assignment: Get. A. Life.
:Cory: [reading attendance sheet] Lawrence, Topanga?
:Topanga: [sitting on the floor on a pillow] I am channeling. I will only answer to the name of: [opens eyes] Oommmmmooooooowwwwwwooo!
:Cory: Present… but not all here.
Class Pre-Union [1.9]
:”[Cory is dressed as George Washington and Minkus is dressed as King George.]
:Cory: Fine, keep your goods. Like we need your stinkin’ British goods. We’re American, we’re independent. We’ll get our goods from Japan!
:Cory: Just last night your son was imprisoned in his room, forbidden to go to the movies with his best friends.
:Alan: Our daughter didn’t dial random numbers in Saskatchewan just to hear people “talk Canadian”.
Santa’s Little Helper [1.10]
:Feeny: You know what my favorite part about Christmas is?
:Cory: I go away for a week?
:Feeny: Yeah, that’s pretty special.
:Alan: You know, Cor, when I was a kid, Christmas was about appreciating your gifts because they were given with love.
:Cory: Oh, right. Glad that’s over.
The Father/Son Game [1.11]
:Cory: Hey, Mom, this cereal is bogus. Where’s my blue sugar moons? Where’re my yellow teddy bears? All this is, is hamster food and cornflake dust. Where’s all the good stuff?
:Cory: She took out all the good stuff.
:Morgan: I’ve been up since 6 o’ clock!
:Amy: What is this? Sugar-coated… sugar?
:Morgan: I’m feeling very perky!
:Amy: Come on, Morgan, let’s get you into bed.
:Morgan: How come? How come? How come how come how come?
:Amy: Because if we hurry we might just make it before the coma.
:Morgan: Coma? Coma? Coma coma coma?
:Alan: Don’t waste this, honey, have her paint the house.
:Cory: Friday, I love Friday. Soon I’m gonna be home for the whole weekend.
:Amy: Friday, I hate Friday. Soon you’re gonna be home for the whole weekend.
:Cory: Oh, you love me.
:Amy: Oh, you wish.
Once in Love with Amy [1.12]
:Amy: When you’re a kid, you see everything as right or wrong, black or white…
:Eric: Blonde or brunette…
:Alan: Where are Eric and Cory?
:Shawn: They… went to the library.
:Alan: You mean the public library, the one that closes at nine?
:Shawn: Oh no, the other one.
:Alan: I’m gonna take Morgan upstairs, and then you and I are gonna talk a little more.
:Shawn: Like a relationship-building thing?
:Alan: No. [goes upstairs]
:Shawn: Wow. For the first time in my life, I’m in trouble with someone else’s dad!
She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not [1.13]
:Eric: Maybe you’ll smoke.
:Minkus: I don’t think so.
:Eric: What if…[points to Topanga] she thought smoking was cool? Would you smoke then?
:Minkus: In a heartbeat.
:Eric: [to Topanga about Minkus] He smokes. You think that’s cool?
:Topanga: I think any man that smokes is a pig.
:Minkus: I’m trying to quit!
:Eric: What about alcohol?
:Minkus: Could you use someone else as an example?!
:Topanga: You are so wise.
:Eric: Yes, I am. And that wisdom comes from knowing that if you have a relationship based on looks, it’s stupid and superficial.
:[The doorbell rings and Eric answers it.]
:Nebula: Hi, I’m Topanga’s sister.
:Eric: Hi, I’m stupid and superficial.
The B-Team of Life [1.14]
:Shawn: That’s gotta be a typo!
:Cory: It’s hand-written!
:Cory: I’m second-string, Mr. Feeny.
:Minkus: Hey, congratulations! Did you tell your dad?
:Cory: No, I happen to like my dad.
Model Family [1.15]
:Shawn: They were too perfect.
:Cory: Yeah, too T.V.
:Feeny: I agree with you, Mr. Matthews.
:Cory: That’s not like you.
:Feeny: Which brings me to today’s assignment.
:Cory: That’s like you.
:Minkus: Don’t you hate it when Mom and Dad fight?
:Shawn: No. Into it.
:Cory: Well, we won’t be fighting for long. I’ve got something that’ll take the fight right out of Mom. Read it and weep, Little Big Hair.
:Topanga: [reading off Cory's paper] “My model wife won’t care how dirty my room gets. She’ll always let me win at video games. She’ll play street hockey any time of the day or night.” Why don’t you just marry Shawn?
:[Cory and Shawn look at each other]
:Cory: Because our kids would look like horses.
Risky Business [1.16]
:Minkus: [referring to Cory and Shawn] There’s a sucker born every minute. Two that minute.
:Cory: Mr. Feeny, effort is my middle name.
:Shawn: Because it starts with F.
The Fugitive [1.17]
:Feeny: Mr. Matthews, unhand that Minkus!
:Eric: I know what you’re hiding.
:Cory: You do?
:Eric: Yup. I tried the same thing when I was your age. The noises, the food sneaking, the look on your face at dinner… YOU’RE HIDING A PUPPY!
It’s a Wonderful Night [1.18]
:Eric: [looking at cover of movie] “Barney Sings The Alphabet.” I don’t wanna give the ending away, Cor, but… Z.
:Cory: “I’m Blowin’ Up Your Head, Part 6: Stumpy’s Revenge” I thought Stumpy died in “Part 5.”
:Shawn: He did. That’s why he wants revenge.
Kid Gloves [1.19]
:Topanga: Each of our bodies is the master creation of Mother Nature.
:Shawn: Well, except for Minkus. He was created by Mother Goose.
:Feeny: This has got to be the most half-baked idea you’ve ever had!
:Cory: No, it was fully-baked.
The Play’s The Thing [1.20]
:Feeny: You will be a spear-carrier.
:Shawn: So this guy I play is like, what, a warrior and a hero?
:Feeny: No, this guy you play has very few lines to memorize.
:Cory: You know, maybe if Hamlet had worn pants, he could have made a decision or two.
:Topanga: Was that a sexist comment?
:Cory: That’s what I was shootin’ for.
:Shawn: Don’t worry about her- her dad sews.
Boy Meets Girl [1.21]
:Cory: Beautiful? I’ve seen hormones turn a normal guy’s face into Craters ‘R Us.
:Shawn: Tell me something. How do you ask a girl out?
:Cory: Simple. You open the door and say, “Get out, you’re bothering me.”
:Shawn: No, like, on a date.
:Cory: Well, Eric uses the shotgun approach. He just keeps dialing random numbers until he hears the word “yes.”
:Shawn: Sounds like a lot of work.
:Cory: Yeah, and after all that, what have you got? A girl! What’s the point?
I Dream of Feeny [1.22]
:Shawn: Feeny’s test tomorrow is gonna be such a killer.
:Cory: Yeah, I don’t understand why we have to learn anything about geography. Why do we have to learn where everything is? I’ll just be like my dad and drive around ’til I find it.
:Cory: [before a test] I am so nervous!
:Shawn: You? My palms are sweating so much I can’t even read the answers I wrote on them!
Back 2 School [2.1]
:Cory: See, I’ve been doing my homework.
:Amy: You’ve done homework?
:Cory: It’s a metaphor. So how do I avoid years of humiliation and abuse?
:Alan: Don’t get married. [Amy smacks him] It’s a metaphor!
:Shawn: Why did we have to leave the old school. I was so cool in the old school. They had no right to pass me. I am an idiot.
Pairing Off [2.2]
:[Cory catches Eric making out with a girl.]
:Eric: [panicking] Cory, we’re studying.
:Cory: So am I!
:Cory: [in health class] Well, the man’s got the sperm and the woman’s got the egg. Now, once a month an egg slides down the fallopian tube towards the uterus. The first sperm to reach the egg wins, it gets a medal, it’s born, you name him Cory, you push him out the door, and nothing makes sense for the rest of his life.
:Eric: You named the rats after yourselves?
:Cory: Yeah. Shawn’s the one chewing the lock. I’m the one with the skin disease.
:Cory: “John Adam’s High’s New Principal is Mr. George Weeny.” Can you imagine five thousand students reading this?
:Shawn: Power; ultimate power.
:Cory: Yeah, but… we would never… would we?
Me and Mr. Joad [2.4]
:[Mr. Feeny has sent Mr. Turner's students back to class.]
:Turner: What about Hunter and Matthews?
:Feeny: Ah. For those two, I shall have to go nuclear.
:Turner: What does that mean?
:Feeny: I shall call their mommies.
:Feeny: The football season…
:Shawn: But that means…
:Feeny: Yes, Mr. Hunter. No cheerleaders!
:Shawn: [falling to his knees] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
:Cory: Shawn, this is a strike. We have to be willing to make sacrifices.
:Shawn: [hysterical] But he’s taking my girls! Why can’t we just sacrifice you?
The Uninvited [2.5]
:Cory: Do you think I’m a geek?
:Shawn: Of course not.
:Cory: So you think I’m cool?
:Shawn: Of course not.
:Cory: Then what am I?!
:Shawn: You’re Cory! I’m Shawn- just like it’s always been. What else do you need to know?
:Alan: [smelling Cory's cologne as he comes down the stairs behind him] What’s that smell?… Oh, my God, I’m rotting!
:Cory: Relax, Dad, it’s just my Rampaging Stallion. What do you think?
:Alan: [waving a magazine] I think if the party doesn’t have adequate ventilation, you’re all gonna die!
Who’s Afraid of Cory Wolf? [2.6]
:Cory: Shawn, what I’m about to tell you is so strange, no one in their right mind would believe it.
:Shawn: Then I’m your guy.
:Cory: So how come you’re taking your garbage back inside the house?
:Feeny: Wolves have a keen sense of smell. The garbage would only attract them.
:Cory: So your plan is to lure them into your living room?
Wake Up, Little Cory [2.7]
:Alan: Why is my son suddenly so popular and godlike?
:Shawn: Because people are finally starting to realize how well brought up he is?
:Alan: That the best you can do?
:Shawn: Yeah, well, my mom smoked when she was pregnant.
:Topanga: You know what I want? I want my good name back.
:Cory: Well, some might argue that Topanga isn’t the best name to start out with.
Band on the Run [2.8]
:Cory: Look who they got to play at the dance.
:Shawn: The Exits; they’re great!
:Cory: They’re us!
:Shawn: Oooh… They’re not so good.
:Band guy: Hey, you. Busy?
:Cory: You’re not gonna ask me to the dance, are you?
:Band guy: What if I did?
:Cory: I’d say, “Pick me up at eight, but no slow dances.”
Fear Strikes Out [2.9]
:Joey: That’s a good one, Harley. That’s a great one. I’m gonna be laughin’ at that one for years and years. I’m gonna be tellin’ my grandkids about it, like, 60 years from now. Unless I don’t have grandkids, then I guess I’ll have to tell some strange kids in the park, and the cops will come and say, “Hey, you, in the raincoat —”
:Harley: Shut up!
:Cory: You know, I’m thinking of becoming a poet. There once was a boy named Cory…
:Eric: Who now has an interesting story…
:Cory: He learned about kissing…
:Eric: And all he was missing…
:Shawn: When he and Topanga made out!
:Cory: Shawn, can you say “summer school”?
Sister Theresa [2.10]
:Cory: Last night T.K. and me talked on the phone for two hours. That beats my previous time spent on the phone with a girl by, like… two hours.
:Feeny: “TK loves CM.” What could that possibly mean?
:Cory: It must mean that someone named TK loves… corn muffins?
The Beard [2.11]
:Eric: [looking in a textbook] Oh, and who is this raven-haired beauty?
:Jason: That’s Leonardo da Vinci.
:Cory: [after being asked to give Shawn a note for the second time] Do I have an unlisted desk or something?
:Topanga: [talking about the dance] Well, I’m not going.
:Cory: My only hope!… I mean, why?
:Topanga: It’s a protest. The concept of a turnaround dance is that all the other times only the boys get to ask. That is gender-biased thinking and we have to get beyond that… Besides, that weekend my daddy’s taking me to New York for Christmas shopping!
:Cory: What? Just because she’s the coolest girl in our grade, you don’t think she’d ask me?
:Shawn: If a bomb dropped on the school and every other guy was killed… she’d go with the most popular dead guy.
:Harley: Didn’t I tell Frankie to dispose of you guys?
:Cory: Yes, and he did. He killed us big time.
:Shawn: And now we’re the angels of ourselves.
:Cory: And it’s time for us to float away. Come on, Shawn, float.
:Harley: Either of you angels seen my girl?
:Cory: You mean Gloria? No, we haven’t seen her.
:Shawn: There’s no way we could’ve seen her. We were in a locker the whole time.
:Harley: The whole time what, boys?
:Cory: Come on, Shawn! FLOAT! FLOAT!
I Am Not a Crook [2.14]
:Feeny: Jonathan, all I’m hearing from your little election are ridiculous promises and character assassination.
:Turner: Too much like the real thing, George?
:Eric: So how’s the campaign?
:Cory: Well, we’re taking it in a new direction.
:Eric: And that would be… down?
Breaking Up is Really, Really Hard to Do [2.15]
:Shawn: You think too much. Do what I do: don’t think.
:Mr. Turner: (reading Shawn’s poem)
:”My uncle Ralph, he does not care,
:’Cause twice a month, he gets welfare.
:My uncle Chuck has nylon hair,
:He bought the rug with his welfare.”
:[skimming ahead] “Old Corvair… long nose hair… electric chair…” It’s a very colorful family you have there, Shawn.
:Shawn: I didn’t use their real names. Is that okay?
:Mr. Turner: Oh, yeah. The less I know, the better.
Danger Boy [2.16]
:Eric: You’re gonna love Cory. You wouldn’t believe how mature he is.
:Cory: Hey guys, look at me! I’m a fountain! [blows water out of his mouth] I’ve gotta show Shawn! [runs upstairs] Shawn!
:Eric: I’ll talk to Cory. He won’t do the fountain. He won’t blow milk bubbles out of his nose. He won’t even do Armpit Theater.
:[Cory has just ridden the roller coaster.]
:Cory: Piece of cake…
:Cory: I threw up a piece of cake.
On the Air [2.17]
:Cory: I have a radio voice!
:Shawn: And I have a radio face!
:Shawn: He says one thing and then he does another. He’s being a hypochondriac.
By Hook or By Crook [2.18]
:Eric: I cheated, Mr. Feeny. I had the answers written on my hand.
:Feeny: And you only managed an A-minus?
:Eric: I sneezed off a couple of the answers.
:Turner: [about Uncle Mike fixing his bike] Listen, you know this doesn’t mean I’m gonna give the kid a break on grades or anything.
:Uncle Mike: Like he needs it! Shawnie’s the scholar of the family!
:Mr. Turner: I think you’re tellin’ me the truth.
Wrong Side of the Tracks [2.19]
:Turner: [about a biography assignment] Doesn’t have to be somebody famous, just somebody real. Anybody you like.
:Cory: Absolutely anybody?
:Turner: Absolutely anybody.
:Cory: I pick Shawn!
:Shawn: I pick Cory!
:Topanga: You know, you walked right into that.
:Turner: I did, didn’t I?
:Eric: Jason, I don’t skate. At all.
:Jason: Well, hey. C’mon, Canadians skate. How hard could it be?
Pop Quiz [2.20]
:Feeny: [of Cory and Shawn] I’d give up on them, but I don’t think they’d notice.
:Shawn: My book is due back and I have to rewind it.
The Thrilla’ in Phila [2.21]
:Feeny: Set him down now.
:Vader: Feeny, you can’t tell me what to do any more. I’m not one of your punk students. I’m the Face of Death!
:Feeny: It was scarier when you had acne.
:Topanga: Cory, you’ve never told me your quote for the yearbook.
:Cory: What did you put?
:Topanga: “I do my thing and you do your thing; you are you and I am I; but if in the end we end up together, it’s beautiful.”
:Cory: Put the same for me.
Career Day [2.22]
:Eric: It’s like I’m in S.A.T. Zone. All my other senses are completely shut down. [knocks soup into lap]
:Jason: You just spilled soup on your lap.
:Eric: What? [Jason nods. Eric looks down.] Ahhh! Hot! Hot!
:Cory: Shawn, what does your dad do?
:Shawn: Shh. I’m trying to find out!
:Eric: Hey, Hunter, what do you think you’re doing?
:Shawn: Uh… cleaning out my ears.
:Eric: Yeah, with Towelie? My lucky towel? What are you, insane?
:Shawn: One of us is.
:Turner: What do you know about women?
:Shawn: What do you wanna know?
:Turner: Oh, you think you can help me out, Hunter?
:Shawn: Hey, you helped me.
:Turner: Now, see: why can’t you be this sharp in my class?
:Shawn: Math’s not my best subject.
:Turner: I’m your English teacher.
:Shawn: Then why you teaching math?
:Turner: Are you kidding me?
My Best Friend’s Girl [3.1]
:[Cory and Shawn see Topanga walk by.]
:Cory: That’s not the Topanga I’ve known. I mean, it’s like she goes away for a summer and comes back a woman.
:Shawn: Yeah, so did Coach Franklin.
:Eric: My grades aren’t good enough to get me into college?
:Feeny: Your grades, my friend, aren’t good enough to get you a slurpee.
The Double Lie [3.2]
:Shawn: A 10:00 curfew? Cory, that means if I pick her up at eight, that only gives us… oh, that stinking metric system.
:Shawn: When adults talk, I hear this buzzing sound.
What I Meant to Say [3.3]
:Turner: George, even I gotta say, quit yankin’ the guy.
:Feeny: I yank you not.
:Eric: Christy’s gonna expect me to tell her that I love her. Aw, man, I gotta do something now. Think, you gotta think, Eric — OW!
:Shawn: Thinking cramp?
:Shawn: I get those, too.
He Said, She Said [3.4]
:Eric: [typing a college recommendation letter] “So, in conclusion, Eric Matthews is really really really smart, really really really nice, and really really really good for your school. Really. Sincerely, George…Mmmm Millhouse Feeny. Princip… uhh princip- princip…uhh… Head Guy.”
:Devon: You know, in my house, growing up, all my parents ever talked about were the three M’s: money, marriage and mortgage.
:Shawn: Yeah, my dad always talked about the three B’s: babes, bucks and brewskies.
Hometown Hero [3.5]
:Shawn: As some famous guy once said, “Let there be light.”
:Cory: [looking at his chemistry paper] I got an A, Shawn.
:Shawn: [looking at his own paper] Wow, a D! I’m riding your coattails!
This Little Piggy [3.6]
:Eric: All right, look, Mr. Feeny, I have a question that I’m going to need a yes or no answer to: how many people get into Yale every year?
:Feeny: [thinks it over] No.
:Animal Control Man: Let’s save ourselves a lot time, a lot of unpleasantries. You’ve got a pig. I want him.
:Shawn: This pig you speak of, could you describe him?
:Animal Control Man: It looks like… A GREAT BIG LION!
:Shawn: Oh, well, that’s not our pig!
:Cory: ‘Cause, uh, we don’t have one! So, Mr. Animal Control Man, kindly vacate my home at once or else I will be forced to call the Animal Control Control People. Yes, sir. Isn’t that right, my dear Shawn?
:Shawn: It sure is, my little Cory. [the pig comes down the stairs] Okay, who shaved the dog?
Truth and Consequences [3.7]
:Shawn: Topanga, are you sweating?
:Topanga: I don’t sweat, I glisten.
:Shawn: Yeah, well, you’re glistening like a pig.
:Janitor Bud: Okay… I didn’t want to use this, Feeny, but what about that time I saved your life?
:Feeny: Saved my life?
:Janitor Bud: You were walking down the hall when I noticed a patch of waxy build-up on the floor. You were maybe two, three steps away. There was no time to clean. I had no choice but to throw myself onto the wax.
:Feeny: I thought you were napping!
:Janitor Bud: Well… once I was down there…
Rave On [3.8]
:Shawn: You know, Mr. Feeny, just between you and me, it’s stuff like this that really makes you unpopular.
:Feeny: Sure, and it’s lonely at the top, but I save a lot of money on Call Waiting.
:Cory: Eric, how could you plan the rave on the same day as Mom and Dad’s anniversary?
:Eric: Hey, you’re lookin’ at me like I’m inconsiderate. I had no idea when Mom and Dad’s anniversary was, so there!
The Last Temptation of Cory [3.9]
:Feeny: All right, Mr. Matthews, what was I saying?
:Cory: I was too busy absorbing to listen.
:Feeny: Very good. Mr. Hunter?
:Shawn: Franklin Roosevelt and the New Deal.
:Feeny: Dear Lord, he’s right.
:Shawn: It’s been my answer for two years, Mr. Feeny. Sooner or later it had to pay off.
:Cory: Well, I accidentally kissed Missy Robinson.
:Topanga: How do you accidentally kiss someone?
:Cory: Well, um…
:Topanga: I mean, did she trip on a rug and your lips broke her fall?
Train of Fools [3.10]
:Eric: Cory, if stupidity were in the Olympics, you’d win the Nobel Prize.
:Shawn: [to Feeny] You’re asking us for money, aren’t you?
:Feeny: Yes, I’ve hit rock bottom.
City Slackers [3.11]
:Cory: All right, Shawn, not to put a damper on our plans or anything, but it occurred to me in a moment of clarity that we don’t ski.
:Shawn: We don’t learn, but we go to school, don’t we?
:Shawn: There wasn’t even any snow.
:Cory: Yeah, what about that, Shawn? You told me that the weather report said “snow in the mountains.”
:Shawn: They did. They said the Rocky Mountains were blanketed with fresh powder.
:Cory: The Rockies? Shawn, we’re in the Poconos! Two thousand miles away from the Rocky Mountains!
:Shawn: Oh, you mean that’s a name? I thought it was a description. You know, like “chewy nougat.”
The Grass is Always Greener [3.12]
:Feeny: Mr. Matthews, interesting essay on Joan of Arc.
:Eric: Thank you.
:Feeny: But I doubt that Arc meant that Joan was from Arkansas.
:Eric: It’s a theory.
:Feeny: It’s an F.
:Shawn: Come on, just relax and be myself.
New Friends and Old [3.13]
:Frankie: I walk alone in this world, except for the grilled cheese sandwich in my pocket.
:Turner: You know those three little words that are very difficult to say to a woman unless you really mean them?
:Shawn: “Is Father home?”
:Turner: No! “I love you.”
:Shawn: Oh, well you’re just real vulnerable right now.
A Kiss is More Than a Kiss [3.14]
:Morgan: Cory has a date.
:Eric: So, who’s the unlucky girl?
:Amy: Come on Morgan, let’s go watch TV.
:Morgan: TV’s not funny. Cory’s life is funny.
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter [3.15]
:Shawn: If I’m late for class, fall asleep without me.
:Cory: I’m going out into the blizzard with just one mitten. Godspeed to me!
Stormy Weather [3.16]
:Susan: We have something to tell you.
:Dana: [fretfully] Oh, no.
:Shawn: [horrified] We’re sisters!
:Eric: Just what you wanted. 20,000 words on the Civil War.
:Feeny: I said 2,000.
:[Eric looks wide-eyed at his thick pile of papers for a moment, then tears off the top two pages and hands them to Feeny.]
:Eric: That oughta do it.
The Pink Flamingo Kid [3.17]
:Feeny: Come along, Mr. Matthews! Don’t dawdle!
:Eric: I’m not dawdling. I’m just not wearing any underwear.
:Feeny: Let’s not call it “detention.” I prefer “Hooked on Feeny.”
Life Lessons [3.18]
:Feeny: Well, Mr. Hunter! I see you do listen in class sometimes.
:Shawn: Well, some days you’re talking so much I can’t sleep.
:Topanga: Cory, don’t even try to call me for the next two weeks. I will be incommunicado.
:Shawn: Wow, that’s guts. We’re studying and she’s off to Mexico.
I Was a Teenage Spy [3.19]
:50′s Topanga: The name’s T.L.
:Cory: Stands for Topanga Lawrence.
:50′s Topanga: Stands for “Tough Luck” for suckers who don’t know better.
:Topanga: Why are you looking at me like that?
:Cory: I will always look at you like this.
:Topanga: Well, stop.
:Topanga: Because you’re giving me the heebie-jeebies.
I Never Sang for My Legal Guardian [3.20]
:Chet: Shawn, I’m gonna do something I haven’t done since you were a very little boy.
:Shawn: Get a job?
:[Chet is taking Turner's television]
:Shawn: Dad, that’s Mr. Turner’s TV.
:Chet: Well heck, you’ve been here for a year. Besides, teachers shouldn’t be watching television anyway.
The Happiest Show on Earth [3.21]
:Cory: I came here to woo her, and by gum, woo her I will.
:Cory: [talking to Amber the dolphin] So, Amber, you’re separated from your mate, huh? I know how you feel. Not that Topanga’s my mate or anything, I just believe she is. It’s funny, though. People tell you to get on with your life, go date, there’s plenty of other fish in the sea. Like I need to tell you! See, we know that once we’ve met that special person, it’s hard to live knowing they’re out there, and they’re the only one you care about. All those things I did, I wasn’t trying to impress her, I just didn’t know how to express my feelings. Well, at least I tried, huh? And now I’m talking to a fish. [tosses a fish to Amber] See ya, Amber.
Brother Brother [3.22]
:Eric: [about graduating] You know, I don’t think I could have done this without everyone in this room believing in me. That’s why this diploma, which signifies my intelligence, belongs as much to you as it does to I.
:Feeny: [correcting] Me.
:Eric: I included you.
:Feeny: Oh, dear.
:Cory: You know you guys never sent me to camp.
:Alan: Are you insane?
:Amy: We tried to send you to camp when you were eight, but we had to come and take you home.
:Alan: Everyday you sent us letters telling us they were conducting medical experiments on you.
:Cory: And they were!
You Can Go Home Again [4.1]
:Eric: [eating pie] Oh, oh, this is delicious! What kind is it?
:Amish Man: You look lost.
:Cory: Well, I’m going to Philadelphia.
:Amish Man: Well, I’m going to that farmhouse, there.
:Cory: That farmhouse there?
:Amish Man: Yes. That farmhouse, there.
:Cory: I’m going to Philadelphia.
:Amish Man: Well, I could take you as far as that farmhouse, there.
:Cory: Umm, I don’t think so.
:Amish Man: Well if you change your mind, I’ll be at that farmhouse, there.
:Cory: But, see I’m going to Philly so that does me no good.
:Amish Man: Maybe… but my intentions were just and my heart is pure.
:Cory: Also does me no good.
Hair Today, Goon Tomorrow [4.2]
:Eric: Check it out, I already made up a theme song. [singing]
:When a crime breaks out,
:All the cute girls shout
:”Get the good-looking guy”!
:When there’s a crime out there,
:He’s gonna comb his hair,
:’Cuz he’s the good-looking guy!
:[stops singing and winks]
:Book ‘em, good-looking!
:Cory: Every time I get a haircut, it looks terrible for about six weeks. Then it looks good for, like, a day, and that’s how I know it’s time for a new haircut. It’s what I call the “Haircut Cycle of Shame.”
I Ain’t Gonna Spray Lettuce No More [4.3]
:Shawn: Wow! And to think you were my only rich friend.
:Cory: Comfortable. Never rich.
:Shawn: Indoor plumbing? Rich.
:Shawn: That’s okay. You’re my friend, and I’m gonna teach you how to be poor.
:Cory: Would ya?
:Shawn: Well, it’s not gonna be easy. You come from a world of many pants.
Fishing for Virna [4.4]
:Frankie: I am here with a heavy heart to reveal that somebody has something he would like to return to you.
:[Herman steps up and pulls a shampoo bottle from behind his back.]
:Chet: Of all the valuable things we have in this trailer, and you steal our shampoo? What kind of little weird thief are you?
:Herman: I am sorry for my transgression and the betrayal of your trust. With that said, I return your Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific.
:Chet: [smelling Herman's hair] You used some, didn’t you?
:Herman: I am shamefaced.
:Cory: Eight lanes and not one stinking island. You gotta be Moses to get across that highway!
Shallow Boy [4.5]
:Corinna: I’m surprised you had the guts to show up.
:Eric: [seeing her Goth look] I’m surprised you’re out when the sun is up.
:Corinna: You don’t want to see me any more, do you?
:Eric: Oh, oh, it’s more than that. I want to put you on a rocketship and send you to planet Flaflooga.
Janitor Dad [4.6]
:Shawn: Mr. Feeny, you’re on my side?
:Feeny: Frightening, isn’t it?
:Virna: What did you say?
:Chet: What did I say?
:Virna: You said “We work.” We don’t work, I work. I work like a pig!
:Chet: Good thing, because we got a whole microwave full of bills to pay.
Singled Out [4.7]
:Cory: Shawn, I refuse to believe anything from those stupid tabloids.
:Shawn: It’s the New York Times, baby.
:Cory: This is New York Times Trailer Park edition!
:Shawn: It’s exactly the same, except you can eat it!
:Cory: For once, just listen to me, man. In the classroom under my desk is a key. The key will open ariport locker number B-378. In the locker, you will find a tattered plaid valise. In the valise, you will find my homework for five years. See, for all these years I understood everything. I’m actually a brilliant student.
:Feeny: What is the capital of Montana?
:Cory: You’re not going to the airport, are ya?
Dangerous Secret [4.8]
:Cory: You know we’ve lived in the same room for 15 years and you never even told me about your first time.
:Eric: Remember Mitchell Davis?
:Cory: That’s an unexpected surprise- how ’bout your second time?
:Eric: Bear with me. Now, you know that Mitch and I were always competing: Who could- who could run the fastest, who could shoot the most baskets, who could catch the most flies…
:Cory: Oh, please, get to it.
:Eric: Well, one day Mitch shows up here with a brand new bike; three-speed, emerald green, speedometer on the handle.
:Cory: Wait, that’s the same one you had.
:Eric: Right that’s why Mitch got his but you see, to show me up, Mitch’s didn’t have any training wheels on it. So I beg Dad, “Dad you gotta take these training wheels off”. Dad said I wasn’t ready. Well apparently Mitch wasn’t either because one day we’re riding down Oakhurst Drive…
:Cory: Ah, Dead Man’s Hill.
:Eric: Right. Mitch falls off his bike, slams his head into a couple of trash cans, and that my friend is why Mitchell Davis repeated the sixth grade eleven times.
:Cory: Eric what could this possibly have to do with me and Topanga and moving past kissing?
:Eric: Cory, sex is like a bike without training wheels. Try it before you’re ready, you’re gonna fall off and break your head.
:Cory: You’re my girlfriend and I love you and… and… God we should be at, like, ninth base by now.
Sixteen Candles and 400-lb. Men [4.9]
:Turner: Hey, Hunter! [walks over to Shawn, who is sleeping] Hey! [taps Shawn] How were you affected by that reading?
:Shawn: [in his sleep] I don’t wanna go to school, Daddy. Cory’s reading poetry.
:Turner: You get your butt out of that bed and get to class!
:Shawn: [still sleeping] Okay… okay. [eyes closed, stands up clumsily and stumbles out of the class]
:Turner: [deadpan] Gee, I wonder what’s gonna happen.
:Vader: [to Cory] I remember you, little man. You’re in my son’s poetry class. You’re a bad influence! [leans in closely] I should crush you like garlic and put you in my spaghetti!
Turkey Day [4.10]
:Cory: Isn’t this fun?
:Shawn: It’s an episode of Cops waiting to happen.
:Feeny: I’m sure you’re all aware of the conflict in Burundi, which is now spilling over into Rwanda and Uganda.
:Cory: He’s making these names up.
:Shawn: He’s finally run out of stuff to teach.
:Feeny: The Burundian conflict centers on class differences between the poorer Hutus and the richer Tutsis.
:Shawn: We’re gonna have to put a bag over him and drag him out of the room.
:Cory: That way we save his dignity.
An Affair to Forget [4.11]
:Feeny: [reading from Eric's one-man play] “There I was on the dusty, dirty highway. The hot wind howled like a kind of howling, hot, windy thing.”
:Eric: June 24, 1978: I… am… BORN! Sadat and Begin win the Nobel Peace Prize. John Paul II (eye-eye) is elected the new Pope. And a new dance craze sweeps the nation. [strikes a disco pose] Remember? Remember? 1984: I poo-poo on a bus. Nobody likes me.
Easy Street [4.12]
:[Shawn and Cory are sleeping in Turner's class. Shawn is snoring and Cory is making a yipping noise.]
:Feeny: Interesting. In my class, Mr. Hunter handles the yipping.
:Cory: [wakes up] Shawn! It’s both of ‘em!
:Shawn: [wakes up and looks around, nervous] Oh, no. Now I don’t know which class I slept through.
:Shawn: Mr. Turner, what if my choice is to not do the assignment?
:Turner: You want this one, George?
:Feeny: No, no, your class. I get them after lunch.
:Turner: Well, then you would get an F, not get into college, and spend your time hanging out at the local convenience store waiting for them to bring in a new batch of lottery tickets.
:Shawn: And that would change my life… how?
B & B’s B’n B [4.13]
:[Shawn is heard screaming upstairs]
:Shawn: It’s okay, it’s okay. I thought I saw a poster of myself, but it was just a mirror.
:Feeny: What are you doing in Beantown?
:Eric: Hiding from you; and I fail. Why must you stalk me so?
:[Cory is driving]
:Shawn: Cory, can you drive a little faster? ‘Cause there’s like twenty cars jammed up behind us.
:Cory: Shawn, I happen to be cruising at — what’s it say? I can’t look down or we’ll crash.
:Topanga: Eighteen miles an hour.
:Cory: I’m up to eighteen? I hope this thing has airbags!
:Shawn: Cory, a bicycle just passed you.
:[Cory is driving]
:Topanga: Cory, I don’t get it. You and your father have always gotten along great.
:Cory: Yeah, cause I’ve always been safe and dependable Cory. Well, tonight a new Cory is born. Dark, wild Cory; built for speed. 24, 25, 26. Look at me, I’m breaking the law.
:[Sirens and flashing lights appear behind them.]
:Cory: Well, we all saw that coming.
Chick Like Me [4.15]
:Alan: Hey, son! How was your day?
:Alan: What’d you do in school?
:Alan: Hey, hold on! Wait there! You know, every day I ask you, “What did you do?” and every day you tell me “Nothing.” Well, I’m tired of nothing. I mean, we both know something happened in school today and I want to know what it is!
:Cory: I decided to be a girl.
:Alan: Well, you taught me a very valuable lesson there, son.
:Cory: [dressed as a waitress] And tipping is not a city in China.
A Long Walk to Pittsburgh – Part I [4.16]
:Cory: So I would be correct in assuming that this wonderful meal is one of those, um, condemned-man, death-row, last-meal kinda things. But that can’t be, because there’s no cake. [Eric lifts the top of a platter to reveal an ornately decorated chocolate cake]… Dead man walkin.’
:Cory: So, you mean that Topanga can’t move!
:Shawn: Not if TV is the true mirror of our lives.
A Long Walk to Pittsburgh – Part II [4.17]
:Eric: Y’know something, Cor? He’s absolutely right. I mean, I had this same problem when I broke up with Francesca. There’s a lot of pain, there’s a lot of heartache. But eventually time stepped in. And I got over my devastating loss.
:Alan: Who’s Francesca?
:Eric: [whispering loudly] There is no Francesca, I’m just trying to help.
:Alan: [whispering loudly] Nobody wants that.
:Amy: I had relationships with four other men before I met your father.
:Alan: I know three…
Uncle Daddy [4.18]
:[Car horn honks.]
:Eric: Oh, there’s Kelly. Better get going.
:Amy: Whoa, wait a minute. You guys have been going out for a while and we still haven’t met her. You should invite her to come in.
:Eric: Uh, you know, Mom, we’re really in a hurry.
:Amy: [calling out the door] Kelly, hon, come on in.
:Eric: You know something? We’re really in a rush.
:Alan: What’s the matter? Afraid I’ll say something to embarrass you?
:Kelly: [enters] Hi, I’m Kelly.
:Alan: [looking her over] Atta boy!
:Kelly: Diana is the baby-sitter.
:Eric: Ooh, role-playing. Okay, I wanna be the commander-in-chief of the allied armies.
Quiz Show [4.19]
:Feeny: I trust you’ve studied for tomorrow’s quiz?
:Cory: Gutenburg invented the printing press in 1445 and began the spread of ideas and the written word throughout the world. Please don’t tell anyone I know that.
:Topanga: Where does milk come from?
:Eric: A carton!
:Topanga: Be more specific.
:Eric: A milk carton!
Security Guy [4.20]
:Alan: You took a job as a security guard?
:Amy: Why would you possibly want to do that?
:Eric: Oh, only for about ten reasons. One, walkie-talkies. Two, partner. Three, dog. Four, partner. Sometimes we switch partners. Five — do you want me to keep going? Six, I pack heat!
:Amy: You carry a gun?
:Eric: Nope. A heater. Gets cold out there in the shed.
:Eric: Mr. Feeny.
:Eric: I heard you telling my parents you thought I was smart. Just hearing you say that is worth 1000 SAT points.
Cult Fiction [4.21]
:Cory: Eric, listen. I wouldn’t underestimate these people, okay? I mean, they did get Shawn.
:Eric: Cory, no offense to Shawn or anything, okay, but it takes a pretty weak-willed and gullible individual to succumb to this kind of blatant scam.
:Alicia: Hi, I’m Alicia. Welcome to The Centre. [hugs Eric]
:Eric: [hands Alicia his wallet] Here’s my money. Where’s my room?
:Shawn: All right. I always felt like there was this… hole in me, like I wasn’t done, you know? And everyone could see it.
:Turner: I never saw that! If you’d just told me maybe I could have —
:Shawn: Let’s not dwell on what people did or didn’t do for me.
:Turner: Yes! Let’s dwell on that!
Learning to Fly [4.22]
:Cory: I do have a girlfriend, you know. Her name is Topanga.
:Mary Beth: Topanga? Sounds like a freeway exit.
:Mary Beth: You’re a sensitive guy.
:Cory: Yeah, well, I wear a lot of light colors, so…
:Cory: [referring to candles] Oh, those are for Topanga. Those set the mood.
:Shawn: Kinda looks like a church in here.
:Cory: You’re ruining the mood!
:Topanga: You have a picture of your brother in your wallet?
:Cory: Yeah, why?
:Topanga: Oh, nothing. I just think it’s sweet. I’m in there too, right?
:Cory: You will be.
Boy Meets Real World [5.2]
:Feeny: An excellent start on your documentary, Mr. Matthews.
:Feeny: Yes, excellent. I said excellent, and I was talking about something you did. I don’t know what came over me.
:Shawn: You have five minutes of me in the shower. You can’t use that!
:Cory: It’s for the European version. If I don’t get into NYU, my next choice is Sweden YU.
It’s Not You… It’s Me [5.3]
:Shawn: Look, Mr. Feeny. Let’s not waste anyone’s time. Cory and I, we broke up.
:Cory: It should’ve happened sooner!
:Shawn: But we stayed together for the kids…
:[Feeny looks puzzled]
:Cory: …in the class.
:Feeny: [holding an open book] And that, Mr. Hunter, is how babies are made.
:Shawn: I still don’t believe him.
Fraternity Row [5.4]
:[Jack gets off the elevator in a red dress, high heels and a matching kerchief]
:Jack: I don’t want to talk about it, okay?
:Eric: Yeah, well, I do! You took that out of my closet!
:Professor Michaels: Free will. Wanna take a shot?
:Shawn: Do I really have a choice?
:Professor Michaels: Ooh, gotta take five.
The Witches of Pennbrook [5.5]
:Jack: I’m just uncomfortable picking up girls.
:Eric: Watch and learn. [gets very close to Jack's face with a weird smile]
:Jack: What are you doing?
:Eric: I’m loving you with my eyes.
:Jack: Please don’t.
:Shawn: Hey, Rosemary. How’s the baby?
No Guts, No Cory [5.6]
:[Eric has been told that he cannot enlist due to flat feet.]
:Eric: Everybody’s doing their part in this war. I want to help. I’m going back to that recruitment office and tell them that a little case of flat feet isn’t gonna stop Eric Matthews from fighting those evil Canadians.
:Alan: I have a feeling it’s not the flat feet.
:Shawn: Cory, we’re going down to enlist. Uncle Sam wants us. I wasn’t gonna go, but he was pointing right at me.
I Love You, Donna Karan – Part I [5.7]
:Shawn: It’s like you and Topanga, a perfect fit.
:Cory: Yeah, but I didn’t fall in love with her luggage.
:Cory: Mr. Feeny, we found this purse. Who runs the Lost and Found?
:Feeny: [pause] I do, Mr. Matthews. I teach English, history and film, and I run the Lost and Found.
:Shawn: We’ll put up a notice.
Chasing Angela – Part II [5.8]
:Cory: [referring to Shawn's little black book] This will never make you happy! [glancing at the book] Ahh! My aunt!
:Eric: [tasting Jack's pumpkin pie] Is pumpkin pie supposed to have bones?
How to Succeed in Business [5.9]
:Eric: Sorry buddy, this seat’s saved for [sigh] Monica.
:Jack: What happened to [sigh] Bridgette?
:Eric: She found out about [sigh] Monica.
:Eric: [reading Amy's new paper] “An Evening in Cape Cod.” Now this is more like it. “As Alan touched me, my lips began to quiver…” Don’t you do anything but quiver? [skims ahead] Oh my God, you do!
Last Tango in Philly [5.10]
:Shawn: Cor, let’s try to figure this thing out. The girls want to dance more than anything in the world and we want to make them happy.
:Cory: Okay, there’s gotta be a simple solution to all of this.
:[They both think hard for a minute.]
:Feeny: Now, why didn’t I see that?
:Eric: Well, Mr. Feeny, I’m in college. You’re still in high school.
A Very Topanga Christmas [5.11]
:Cory: This year, no running around the house naked singing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.” I’m looking at you.
:Eric: I only do it because people have come to expect it.
:Jack: We usually go to the Val d’Isère and see the French Alps.
:Shawn: Those of us in the trailer park just like to thank God for all that we have this time of year.
:Jack: We pray on the plane.
Raging Cory [5.12]
:Shawn: I can’t believe you hit your dad! Now, does he have to leave the house in shame? Do you get his woman?
:Jack: [about Shawn's room] So when people throw garbage down the chute, this is where it winds up, huh?
:Shawn: Are you calling me a pig?
:Jack: A pig would never live in here.
:Shawn: Oh, yeah?
:[Shawn moves a curtain covering a closet to reveal a big black pig.]
The Eskimo [5.13]
:Shawn: I got four can’t-miss ways on how to get Superbowl tickets.
:Cory: Okay, give me the best one.
:Shawn: I go back in time to the first Superbowl when tickets weren’t that hard to get.
:Cory: Good. Good. Very good. I don’t need to hear the other three.
:Jack: Hey. I didn’t hear you come in last night. Must’ve had a pretty good time with your date, huh?
:Eric: Evening began at seven. Started with some intimate pre-dinner conversation at a quaint little Mexican place I happen to know. Came back here and… let’s just say my clothes were off within five minutes. [sips coffee]
:Jack: You opened your big mouth, she walked out. You ate alone at Taco Bell, came home, took off all your clothes and were asleep by eight ‘o’clock.
:Eric: How’d you do?
:Jack: Not as good.
Heartbreak Cory [5.14]
:Lauren: Those slopes are treacherous.
:Feeny: He fell getting off the bus.
:Lauren: Those buses are treacherous.
:Cory: If you could change your mate into one animal, what would it be and why? Please, nothing fuzzy-wuzzy.
:Topanga: A falcon.
:Cory: Yes, a falcon. The hunter of all that is fuzzy-wuzzy.
:Topanga: No, a falcon because I want you to be free to soar majestically as long as I know that you’ll always come back to me.
:Angela: If I ever get like that, kill me.
:Shawn: I would have to.
First Girlfriends Club [5.15]
:Cory: I’m a Valentine’s Day veteran, Shawn. I march in the parade.
:Jack: This whole Valentine’s Day thing is one big scam. The greeting card companies, the candy stores, all trying to rip off the innocent consumer.
:Eric: No date, huh?
Torn Between Two Lovers (Feeling Like a Fool) [5.16]
:Feeny: I need you to proctor.
:Eric: Me? Proctor? [dreamily] Proctor Matthews.
:Feeny: You know what “proctor” is?
:Eric: Yeah, it’s a tushy doctor. Oh! Eeeeww, I’m not gonna do that!
:Topanga: He lied to me. He lied to me about staying up all night with Lauren. Strike one.
:Shawn: All they did was talk!
:Topanga: He lied to me about kissing her! Strike two.
:Shawn: All they did was talk and kiss!
And Then There Was Shawn [5.17]
:Feeny: THAT’S ENOUGH! Now, this class will not be more interested in the romantic goings-on of its students than it is with whatever the hell I’m teaching!
:Feeny: Nebraska, Mr. Hunter. Nebraska!
:Shawn: The 75th State! Major Export: Tortillas!
If You Can’t Be With the One You Love… [5.18]
:Angela: [to Kimberly] You make one move on my best friend’s man, and that new nose is gonna look like your old nose.
:Shawn: Dad used to drink and then he stopped.
:Jack: Do you know why he stopped drinking?
:Shawn: Because he ran out of money?
:Jack: Do you know why my mom left him?
:Shawn: Because she went for a guy with more money?
Eric Hollywood [5.19]
:Amy: I cannot believe how deeply you feel up there, Eric. I mean, when you jumped into Ophelia’s grave, overcome with emotion, and then wept openly: where did you get your motivation?
:Eric: They got it right here in the script. Look at it… “Weeps openly.” I mean, they tell you what to do!
:Alan: The real tragedy tonight is that William Shakespeare couldn’t be here to see how good you are!
:Eric: Oh, he’ll come tomorrow. I mean, we’re here all week.
Starry Night [5.20]
:Cory: This city is a cultural vacuum, my friend.
:Shawn: That’s why my people settled here.
:Shawn: Cor, what I’m about to tell you is gonna make you wanna kill me.
:Cory: I’m not gonna kill you, Shawn. It takes too much time to break in a new best friend.
Honesty Night [5.21]
:Feeny: Is that the stupid idea train coming around the bend?
:Cory: Okay Shawn, how are you going to save our doomed relationship?
:Topanga: It’s not doomed, just hopeless.
Prom-ises, Prom-ises [5.22]
:Shawn: Tonight we leave as boys and come back men.
:Cory: Are we talking about the same thing?
:Shawn: [raising an eyebrow seductively] I certainly hope so.
:Cory: Okay, so after the prom, romance in the air, you and Angela, you’re gonna look in each other’s eyes —
:Shawn: Me and Angela?
:Cory: I need your credit card. Don’t ask me why, I just need it!
:Eric: Okay, but it might be maxed out. I just bought some gum.
Things Change [5.23]
:Eric: You see, duckies are good, because not only do they give you that non-threatening sense of security, but you can feed them crackers and you can ride ‘em. See, duckies are the horsies of the ocean.
:Cory: I sort of thought you guys would keep my room the way it is.
:Eric: Actually, Cor, for that I think you have to be unexpectedly killed by a truck or something.
:Cory: Well, Shawn. I think the time has come… to sign each others’ yearbooks! Shall we talk about it first?
:Shawn: No, no, let’s just do it.
:[They exchange yearbooks.]
:Cory: Boy oh boy. Where to begin, huh? [cuffing Shawn affectionately] What am I gonna say to you? I mean this is gonna take me at least a week.
:Shawn: [handing back the book] I’m done.
:Cory: You’re done? [opens to the page] “Hey”? You write “Hey”?!
:Shawn: And I mean it!
:Topanga: [referring to an assignment] I’m doing it and I’m getting an A.
:Feeny: It’s for no credit, Miss Lawrence.
:Topanga: I have six hundred and ninety-nine A’s. [stands imposingly] I need one more. [grabs his collar] Give me the A, Feeny!
:Feeny: [scared] Okay, fine, you get an A. [Topanga lets go] You don’t even have to do it, I’ll just give you an A because I’m scared of you. Now that makes an even 700.
:Topanga: 700. That’s more than anybody, right?
:Feeny: Oh, more than anybody. [to Cory as he walks by him] Good luck in Hell, Mr. Matthews.
His Answer – Part I [6.1]
:Rachel: We’re gonna be just like girlfriends! [leaves the room]
:Eric: Just a minute! If I understand this correctly, girlfriends sleep together, bathe together and even get to see each other naked.
:Jack: We already do that.
:[Eric makes a hushing gesture]
:Feeny: You can’t tell Cory and Topanga what to do. I’ve been trying to do that since the first grade. I remember when I tried to separate their desks. She kicked me. He bit me. And some little punk kept saying, “Leave ‘em alone! They should get married!”
:Shawn: I was cute then, huh?
:Feeny: [sarcastically] Precious.
Her Answer – Part II [6.2]
:Topanga: I want my family to be at my wedding. I want your family to be there. Cory, I wanna wear a wedding dress! A white, lacy wedding dress!
:Cory: Of course, white. The way we’re going, bright white. Snow white. Whiter than the white-hot light of a thousand burning suns!
:Topanga: How long are you gonna be mad at me?
:Cory: Ten minutes.
:Eric: Yeah, go ahead, Feeny, retire. Take care of yourself. It’s what you’re best at.
:Amy: The man has given the last forty years of his life teaching people.
:Eric: Don’t care. Kill his flowers. Kill ‘em.
Ain’t College Great? [6.3]
:Shawn: You brought pudding to college!
:Cory: Hey, I got one for you.
:Eric: The world is a melancholy place where… human relationships must rise to the forefront of our too-brief experience on this insignificant swirling blue orb until we are extinguished… like a flickering flame. [touches candle] Oww, dat hot.
Friendly Persuasion [6.4]
:Eric: I have closed that chapter of my life and I have opened up a new one. And do you know what I call that chapter, Jack? Chapter Five.
:Eric: In conclusion… watches, chocolate, cheese. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the Swiss.
:Jack: Eric, we were supposed to prove something!
:Dean Bolander: He did.
Better than the Average Cory [6.5]
:Cory: Are you saying we don’t have extraordinary gifts, Mr. Feeny?
:Feeny: No, of course not, Mr. Matthews. You also have extraordinary gifts.
:Cory: Like what?
:Feeny: You have your health. Good for you.
:Alan: My father spent 40 years with a broom in his hand. I wish he could all that I have now. Why are you afraid of being average?
:Cory: I-I-I’m not ashamed.
:Alan: Touch it. Touch it. Get some dirt on your hands. Try to see what average looked like from here. To me, average was a dream. That’s why my father worked his butt off, so maybe his son could have something more. And I learned from him, Cory. And I respected him because he did the best that he could. And I was proud of him. And he would have been proud of me, too. I don’t know. Maybe if my son thinks average is nothing, then I’ve done my job. But I’m sorry that you’re not proud. Of him, me and of yourself.
Hogs and Kisses [6.6]
:[Shawn and Topanga are reading scripts.]
:Shawn: I can’t just sit here and watch your beautiful skin and silky hair and perfect face and long, long legs. [drops some pages]
:Topanga: Isn’t there anything you want to say about my eyes?
:Shawn: [picking up script and putting the pages in order] Yes, yes. The number of eyes… on your face… That’s, um. That’s, that’s, that’s nice.
:Rachel: I hate this! It’s like I have to be on my best behavior. It’s like I’m living with my mother.
:Eric: Actually, do you have a picture of your mother? No reason.
Everybody Loves Stuart [6.7]
:Stuart: Nice haircut.
:Shawn: Thanks. Eight bucks.
:Stuart: Looks like it.
:Stuart: Any more questions, George?
:Feeny: Just one. Is it okay if I rip off your head and roll it down the hallway?
You’re Married, You’re Dead [6.8]
:Cory: I don’t care what Gambling Dan thinks. Why does he call me The Major?
:Shawn: It stands for Major Wuss. He says if there was a Whipped magazine, you’d be the centerfold.
:Cory: Okay, first of all, there is a Whipped magazine. I didn’t subscribe. Somehow they found me.
:Topanga: Cory, I never asked you to wear an engagement ring. You saw mine and said, “Pretty. I want one.”
Poetic License: An Ode to Holden Caulfield [6.9]
:Cory: I call this next poem “Feeny.”
:”Mr. Feeny is very smart
:On many subjects, including art.
:And yet he can’t help me with my frustration —
:COME ON, TOPANGA!”
:Cory: [reading from Shawn's poem]
:”On this brink of everything I know,
:I can gain an eyeful of the lost Atlantis
:in the human soul
:and the breath that fills my lungs
:with the air between two stars.”
And In Case I Don’t See Ya [6.10]
:Amy: This better be good.
:Alan: I don’t even want to hear about it. They were incredibly rude, and I’m going to punish them right now.
:Cory: You can’t punish us, we’re in college.
:Alan: Oh, yeah? How about I hit you so hard you’re back in high school?
:Topanga: What is this? [holds up paper]
:Shawn: It’s a B! Hey, we got the same grade.
:Topanga: This is a travesty.
:Angela: I got a B-plus.
:Topanga: Who cares? How do I get the same grade as these two schlubs?
Santa’s Little Helpers [6.11]
:Shawn: I hate being the third wheel.
:Cory: Oh, please. You know, you’ve been the third wheel with me and Topanga so long, I think of us as a tricycle.
:[Eric recruits Jack to be a mall elf.]
:Eric: You’re going to be making like five bucks an hour!
:Jack: Wait a second, you get twelve bucks an hour?!
:Eric: Hi — I’m Santa. You’re just an elf. Read your Bible.
Cutting the Cord [6.12]
:Eric: You think that’s what makes you a good father? I mean, yeah, you taught me how to swing a bat, but any Little League coach could do that. I mean, it was more important that you were there after I struck out. You made me feel better. You’re always there for me, man. Just to listen to me, to give me advice. You know, to help me get through stuff. Just like you did today. You’re never going to be too old to do that.
:[during a karaoke contest]
:Topanga: I just don’t think this is the right song for us.
:Cory: You wanna win or not?
:Topanga: Yes, I wanna win, I just don’t think you and I are the right people to express this particular sentiment!
:Cory: Topanga, it’s a beautiful song, and we’re gonna sing it. [nods and grins] Hit it, Cap’n Randy!
:Cory: [screaming and flashing his hands] WAR!!
:Topanga: [monotone] Huh.
:Cory: [gyrating and grimacing] What is it GOOD FOR!
:Topanga: [monotone] Absolutely nothing. Say it again.
:Topanga: Good God, you all.
:Cory: This is all a big JOKE to you isn’t it, Topanga?! (storms off stage)
We’ll Have a Good Time Then [6.13]
:Chet: [to Rachel] I’ve been to three county fairs, two pig-stickin’s and a goat rope, but I ain’t never seen nothin’ like you.
Getting Hitched [6.14]
:Topanga: [showing box] The Fiancée Game. It’s for engaged couples.
:Rachel: Oh, I was almost engaged once. We planned our whole futures together. I hope he dies.
:Eric: [to Cory and Topanga] We don’t actually have to be engaged to play the game, do we?
:Rachel: [rambling to self] Not just dies, burns…
:Eric: [to Cory and Topanga] ‘Cause that’d be okay with me.
:Rachel: [rambling to self] I wanna step on his face with a golf shoe…
:Eric: [cheerfully] That’s very hostile. Will you marry me?
:Rachel: Sure, why not? We already live together.
:Jack: [reading Chet's bills] “Past due”… “Final notice”… “Pay up”… “We’re not kidding this time”…
Road Trip [6.15]
:Cory: What, are you breaking up with me in a restaurant? In a public place, so I won’t make a scene? You think I won’t make a scene?
:Shawn: I know you’ll make a scene.
:Shawn: I hate to have to tell you this, but, my dad died last week.
:Merle: So, who shot him?
My Baby Valentine [6.16]
:Eric: Eww. My mommy said, “Thighs rub together.”
:Amy: [to Alan] Do you still love me?
:Amy: You laughed at me when I tried on the orange dress.
:Eric: You looked like the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
:Shawn: [referring to Joshua] Man, are we gonna have fun with this kid!
:Cory: Kid’s gonna be our slave!
:Shawn: Oh, I’m gonna teach him everything I know.
:Cory: Then I’ll bail him out of jail!
:Topanga: Mr. Feeny, will you say something to them?
:Cory: Hey, Mr. Feeny, I think you’re gonna have another Matthews to teach!
:Shawn: Yeah, maybe he’ll have a kid like me to sit next to!
:Cory: He won’t have to.
:Shawn: Why not?
:Cory: You’ll still be there!
:Shawn: [erupts with laughter] Ouch!
:Amy: [to Cory] The doctor thought it’d be a good idea if you went in to say hi to your brother, too.
:Cory: Yeah, sure. But, uh… [to Shawn and Topanga] I’d like you guys to come. [Shawn nods, the three start toward the NICU. A nurse stops Shawn]
:Nurse: Oh, I’m sorry, family only.
:Alan: [pats Shawn's shoulder] Uh, he is family.
Can I Help to Cheer You? [6.18]
:Cory: You’re Stan? Stan the Plumber Man?
:Stan: If I can’t flush it…
:Cory: No one can!
:Shawn: [of a million-dollar marriage offer] Take the money.
:Cory: But I love Topanga.
:Shawn: We all do. Take the money.
Bee True [6.19]
:[Cory and Shawn are trying to open a jar.]
:Shawn: Hand me the rare Phoenician mallet. [Cory hands him a mace-like object] No, no, no, no. That’s an early Egyptian dental tool. [Cory hands him a small, wooden hammer] Here we go [hits the jar's lid and the hammer head pops off] Phoenician piece of crap.
:Cory: Shawn, you broke it. That’s not part of the plan.
:Shawn: I’ll replace it! I see them all the time at Bed, Bath & Phoenician. [still can't open jar] Here, hand me the Byzantine statue of King Hopheratu. [Cory hands him a small, golden statue. Shawn hits it against the jar lid. It shatters] Home Shopping Channel! There are 6 billion of them left.
:Cory: I hold in my hands the pinnacle of God’s creation. Think fast! [tosses a brain at Shawn; it hits his chest and falls to the floor]
:Shawn: [bends down to pick it up and comes up with two brain halves] You want personality or motor skills?
The Truth about Honesty [6.20]
:Rachel: Eric, we really want you to come.
:Eric: Well, how do you expect me to come back to a place where I had my heart ripped out of my chest and thrown around the room like it was a… a… like it… like a… nerf heart!
:Rachel: [grabs his collar] I want you to forget about everything that happened between us and remember we’re friends. And I want you to come to our party because it’s for friends.
:Eric: Will you be making tater tots?
The Psychotic Episode [6.21]
:Cory: You were in my dream, Feeny. And you gave me advice that sucked!
:Feeny: I am not responsible for Dream Feeny!
:Adam: [talking to his stuffed parrot] Polly want a cracker?
:Eric: Polly want an autopsy!
State of the Unions [6.22]
:Topanga: Oh, by the way, my parents are coming into town.
:Cory: “Oh, by the way, my parents are coming into town”? Oh, by the way, Captain Titanic, the ship’s in two pieces!!
Show Me the Love [7.1]
:Eric: [about his haircut] It’s not gonna grow back; I got my receipt!
:Eric: Oh, wait Mr. Feeny! Great news; I don’t have to sleep in your car any more.
:Feeny: You’ve been sleeping in my car? Since when?
:Eric: Since I got kicked out of the apartment. I usually wait for you and Dean Whats-her-head to go to bed and then I kinda curl up in the back seat. Unless, of course, I have company over.
:Feeny: You have company in my car?!
:Eric: Thursday’s spaghetti night.
For Love and Apartments [7.2]
:Shawn: Cory, before we actually start interfering with these people’s lives, don’t you think we should find out why they actually split up in the first place?
:Cory: It’s insignificant, Shawnie. It’s unimportant. Okay, this is Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence. We’ve known these people all our lives. They’re in love with each other and they do not want to split up. Trust me, I once caught him grabbing her tushy and going, “Ah-ooga!” [pumps arm]
:Eric: You know something, I’m gonna stand up to you, just like Feeny told me to. And then you’re both gonna back down. You know why? ‘Cause you are a bully by definition.
:Mankind: Would you like to fly through the air or go through the wall?
:Eric: Hmm… Air, please. [Mankind picks him up and throws him] Woo-hoo!
Angela’s Men [7.3]
:Sgt. Moore: Matthews!
:Eric: Sir, yes sir!
:Sgt. Moore: You are a disgrace to this university, this country and humanity in general!
:Eric: [flattered] Oh, wow!
:Sgt. Moore: [to Eric] Drop and give me twenty!
:Eric: Fine. [drops to the floor and holds up a twenty-dollar bill] Dude, you better pay me back!
No Such Thing as a Sure Thing [7.4]
:[Feeny is grading papers at his desk when Eric rides in, dressed as a bicyclist and honking his horn.]
:Feeny: Ah, the Tour de Idiot.
:Eric: [phony Italian accent] Hi, I’m from-a Italy…
:Feeny: Shut up.
:Feeny: Eric, I am going to make this so simple that even you can understand it.
:Eric: You can try.
You Light Up My Union [7.5]
:Jack: Tell me what you’re gonna do.
:Eric: I’m gonna take the money to the bank, deposit it and come right back.
:Jack: Very good, keep saying it.
:Eric: Take the money to the bank, deposit it and come right back.
:Jack: Keep saying it!
:Eric: Take the money to the bank; deposit it and come right back.
:[Cut to Eric walking into the bank]
:Eric: Take my mommy to see Frank, clean my closet, take a nap. Where am I? [looks in wallet] Ooh, money.
:Cory: [reading the titles of the videos the girls rented] “Estrogen on Parade,” “Put Down the Seat,” and “These Shoes or These Shoes.”
They’re Killing Us [7.6]
:Topanga: We had no idea planning a wedding would be so hard.
:Cory: It’s like riding a pogo stick in a mine field. BOOM! Boing. BOOM! Boing…
:Cory: [referring to Eric] You know he’s gonna drop the rings down the minister’s pants.
:Shawn: And dive right in after them.
:Cory: With both hands. Causing the minister to freak.
:Shawn: And cough.
:Cory: And cough. And they’ll knock over the candles and set the entire church on fire.
:Shawn: And here comes the fire department with their hoses and axes, chopping up everything in sight. And Topanga’s gonna blame —
:Cory: Me! And I don’t get nothin’ on the honeymoon!
It’s About Time [7.7]
:Cory: Beans? You picked beans?
:Shawn: What’s the matter with beans?
:Cory: Beans are not a wedding can!
:Shawn: Why not?
:Cory: Because beans do not say eternal love and happiness!
:Eric: I know what they say!
:Feeny: Hey, moron. Where’re the tuxedos?
:Eric: Oh, in the limo, baby!
:Alan: What limo, baby?
The Honeymooners [7.8]
:[Topanga wants to be carried over the threshold for the second time.]
:Topanga: What? You want me to carry you?
:Cory: I’m light as a feather, really.
:Mrs. Nelson: I don’t like the cold.
:Cory: Me neither. In fact, I’m cold right now.
:Topanga: Cory, it’s 92 degrees.
:Cory: I’m very cold. Why don’t we go in the bedroom and go under the covers like we did before?
:Topanga: Cory, we’re married now. We can do it every night for the rest of your life.
:Mr. Nelson: Get it in writing, kid.
The Honeymoon is Over [7.9]
:Cory: Hey, little boy, how are you?
:Boy: I see dead people.
:Cory: That’s nice.
:Cory: We have bugs.
:Shawn: Everybody has bugs.
:Cory: Our bugs have cars.
Pickett Fences [7.10]
:Amy: I don’t like when you call him “idiot,” Alan.
:Alan: I didn’t call him anything.
:Amy: Oh. I guess I must have thought it in my head.
What a Drag! [7.11]
:Eric: [dressed as a woman] How do I look, babe?
:Shawn: Yes on the dress, no on the face.
:Eric: Too much make-up?
:Shawn: Too much ugly.
:Feeny: [looking at Eric dressed as a woman] Hm, double D’s — just like your grades.
Family Trees [7.12]
:Amy: Oh, Eric… we used you as a decoy. We knew you’d be stupid, so we used it against you.
:Shawn: Why didn’t you tell me who my mom was?
:Chet: Your mother’s Virna.
:Shawn: No. The woman who gave birth to me.
:Chet: Oh, her. Uh, she took off. When you were born I said, “Honey! It’s a… Honey?”
The Provider [7.13]
:Cory: You’ll never guess.
:Shawn: Topanga’s pregnant.
:Cory: She is? Why’d she tell you and not me? Are you the father of my child?
:Shawn: Hey, idiot.
:Shawn: You had news?
:Cory: Oh, yeah.
:Cory: You see, I’m the lord of my castle. And as the lord, I think it’s up to me to provide. And it’s up to Topanga to be my grateful French chambermaid, Fifi LaBanza.
I’m Gonna Be Like You, Dad [7.14]
:Cory: That’s right… I’m a hypochondriac!
:Topanga: Cory! It means that there’s nothing wrong with you! It means you create stuff in your head!
:Cory: Yes, well. [holds up bottle] He gave me these placebos.
:Shawn: Placebos are what they give to crazy people like you to make them think they’re being cured of something they don’t have!
:Cory: Hey! I have to be on these for the REST OF MY LIFE!!
:Topanga: Do you want a blanket?
:Cory: Oh, that would be swell. But not wool. Wool chafes my nippies.
The War (1) [7.15]
:Eric: Y’know, Jack, I’m having trouble opening this jar.
:Jack: That’s because it’s a can.
:Eric: All right, look, I’m glad you’re both here. Listen to me. I’ve been reading a lot about this guy named Gandhi. Now Gandhi’s an Indian. He’s a Cherokee, I think, but that’s not really what’s important. Gandhi is a master at solving all conflicts peacefully. Now the first thing we need to do is start a dialogue. [Jack and Shawn remain silent] Okay, to have a dialogue, somebody has to talk. [looks in his book] Somebody has to talk, yeah. So who’s gonna go first?
:Jack: [to Shawn] Aw, to hell with you, man.
:Eric: Now that’s good. Let’s build from that.
:Shawn: [to Jack] To hell with you, too.
Seven the Hard Way (2) [7.16]
:Eric: [dressed like a prophet] No, not Eric, not any more.
:Jack: Uh-huh. It’s fine, it’s just fine… [walks out, sighs, then walks back in] Okay, what is your name now?
:Eric: My name… is Plays With Squirrels.
:Jack: Perfect. Even more insane.
:Eric: Insane? If giving away all your worldly possessions, renouncing society and learning how to purify and drink your own urine is insane, then well… Yes, color me insane.
:Jack: [Reading Eric's manifesto] “Lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself.”
She’s Having My Baby Back Ribs [7.17]
:Cory: Pregnant? How can she be pregnant?
:Shawn: Okay, Cory, let me explain this to you. When a man loves a woman…
:Cory: I know about that, okay? We were very careful.
:Shawn: Did you use a…
:Shawn: Was she on the…
:Shawn: Well, did you try the…
:Cory: Everything! I’m not even sure we had sex!
:Eric: [to Amy] You never breast-fed me!
:Alan: Eric —
:Eric: You didn’t either! Breast-fed kids are skinny. Formula fed kids are fat. You know, at first I blamed it on myself. I thought maybe glands, and then I thought maybe metabolism. But then I thought to myself, I’m no racist! So it all goes back to you guys.
:Alan: Listen, Porky, we’re in the middle of a serious family discussion here.
How Cory and Topanga Got Their Groove Back [7.18]
:Topanga: We have become your parents.
:Cory: Never, ever mention my parents in bed again!
:Eric: Hey, I am not a carnival act! All right, yeah, I am a carnival act, but my sneezing is a gift. It’s a gift that should not be abused! Unless, of course, we can use it to get chicks!
Brotherly Shove [7.19]
:Topanga: Your queen demands a duel. Lord Hunter. [hands Shawn a sword] Sir Complain-a-lot. [hands Cory a sword] The winner shall get my hand.
:Cory: [French accent] En guarde, doody-head.
:Shawn: [French accent] Prepare to die, scoundrel.
:Cory: Oh, I a scoundrel? [Ebonics voice] ‘s cool.
:Topanga: All right, your queen’s getting bored. Can we see some bloodshed?
:Eric: Y’know something, I take it back, it is about cleaning out the stupid garage. Dad wanted us to do that together, and you chose to leave me out. Those were our memories! Do you have any idea how it felt to go down there and see Shawn and Topanga there instead of me?
:Cory: Look, Eric, we’re brothers, okay?
:Eric: Y’know what, you’re right. We’re brothers. We’re not friends. That means you don’t have to like me, and you don’t. [exits]
As Time Goes By [7.20]
:Eric’s voiceover: I’m Shangri-La’s own gumshoe. There’s the gum… on my shoe.
:Eric: Your wife was transported to an alternate universe. As far as I can tell, your closet is a vortex that connects your reality with ours.
:Cory: Topanga, come out of the closet, Eric’s drunk!
:Eric: Drunk with knowledge.
Angela’s Ashes [7.21]
:Cory: You know what else they got in Europe aside from cafés, Shawn? They got men. Men named… Paolo. Enrique! Milosh! And they sit there prowling around in their dirty Ferraris looking for that fresh American meat.
:Shawn: Look, I trust Angela.
:Cory: [does a callous French laugh, then speaks in a French accent] I’m eating a croissant! Jump into my Porsche, and we will drive on the wrong side of de road!
:Eric: [to Angela, holding a stack of photos of himself] ‘Kay, so I want you to do me a favor. I want you to hand these out to all the European girls you see, okay? And tell them that if they want me to be their American boyfriend, my number’s right there at the bottom of the picture, okay? Now, I’ve only got five hundred, so don’t be handing them out to any hairy chicks, all right?
Brave New World (1) [7.22]
:Cory: Why does everyone always take Topanga’s side?!
:Cory: We’re not going to New York! Nothing’s gonna change! YAYYYY!!
:Shawn: You know she didn’t mean a word she just said, right?
:Cory: I know. But for now, join me in fooling myself.
Brave New World (2) [7.23]
:Eric: [to Mr. Feeny] I don’t know what will happen to me, but I know that I will be a good person that cares about people, and I blame you for that.
:Feeny: [after everyone leaves the room] I love you all… Class dismissed.
- Ben Savage – Cory Matthews
- Rider Strong – Shawn Hunter
- Will Friedle – Eric Matthews
- Danielle Fishel – Topanga Lawrence (Recurring Season 1; Starring Seasons 2-7)
- William Daniels – George Feeny
- Betsy Randle – Amy Matthews
- William Russ – Alan Matthews
- Matthew Lawrence – Jack Hunter (Seasons 5-7)
- Trina McGee – Angela Moore (Recurring Season 5; Starring Seasons 6-7)
- Maitland Ward – Rachel McGuire (Seasons 6-7)
- Anthony Tyler Quinn – Jonathan Turner
- Lily Nicksay – Morgan Matthews (Seasons 1-2)
- Lindsay Ridgeway – Morgan Matthews (Seasons 3-7)