Dialogue

:Jimmy: So, Coach. I was thinking about the music for our routine.
:Coach: Really?
:Chazz: We’re gonna skate to one song, and one song only: “Lady Hump” by the Black Eyed Peas. What you gonna do with all that junk / All that junk inside your trunk? / I’m gonna get you, get you drunk / Get you drunk off my lady humps / My humps, my humps / My lovely lady humps.
:Jimmy: [disgusted] I’m not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don’t even know what that means.
:Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative.
:Jimmy: No, it’s not. It’s gross.
:Chazz: It gets the people going.
:Chazz: Bunk beds?
:Jimmy: I don’t share rooms.
:Chazz: I don’t share shit. The night is a very dark time for me.
:Jimmy: It’s dark for everyone, moron.
:Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.
:Coach: All right, this has got to stop right now. From here on out, you guys are a team. You understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together. You are going to peea together. You’re going to file a joint income tax return. Practice starts now. End of discussion.
:Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn’t it?
:Jimmy: Did you just say “mind-bottling”?
:Chazz: Yeah. You know when things are so crazy, you get your thoughts trapped, like in a bottle.
:Chazz: Why would we step in baby food?
:Jimmy: He’s talking about the carpet. Berber?
:Chazz: What are you? The rug doctor?
:Jimmy: Maybe I am.
:Chazz: I’m the rug master.
:Jimmy: What does that even mean?
:Coach: Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
:Jimmy: Get out of my face!
:Chazz: I’ll get inside your face!
:Jimmy: Ugh, I’m getting sick. You smell like aftershave and taco meat.
:Chazz: Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
:Fairchild Van Waldenberg: What’s that, mother? You and father are sad that you were killed, driving Katie to her ice-skating lesson all those years ago? Yeah, me too.
:Stranz Van Waldenberg: Remember how they used to be alive?
:Darren MacElroy: I’m un-adopting you.
:Jimmy: What?
:Darren MacElroy: I don’t think “un-adopting” is the right word for it. Well, legally I’m disowning you.
:Jimmy: That was disgusting.
:Chazz: That, young man, is how babies are made.
:Jimmy: I see you got fat.
:Chazz: I see you still look like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.
:Jimmy: You crushed my dreams.
:Chazz: Dreams? Shit. I haven’t had one of those in years.
:Jimmy: Zip it, Chazz! Zip it or I will punch you in your crap, lousy face!
:Chazz: Hey, This ends tonight!
:Jimmy: It’s daytime, you douche!
:Jimmy: I call top!
:Chazz: No, I already called it in my head.
:Jimmy: What?! No, you can’t do that, that doesn’t count.
:Chazz: Yes it does. Get used to it, Jimmy; you’re in Chazz’s world now.
:[Chazz shows Jimmy the tattoo of him he got on his arm.]
:Chazz: That’s you. The wolf, that runs with the lone wolf. So the lone wolf never has to be alone again.
:Jimmy: You were drunk when you got it, weren’t you?
:Chazz: Yes, absolutely hammered. Welcome to the pack.
:Grublets on Ice Manager: Are you drunk?
:Chazz: No. [Breaks the top off of the bottle of liquor he's holding] But this oughta do it.
:Jimmy: This ice has not been properly zambonied. And where’s the warm-down room?
:Coach: We don’t have any of that. What we got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.
:Chazz: This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
:Jimmy: I could hold it all day long. Try me!
:Chazz: Maybe I will.
:Jimmy: Maybe you should.
:Chazz: You challenging me, princess?
:Jimmy: I’m not inviting you to the Skating Federation’s Annual Christmas Party!
:Chazz: Then bring it on!
:Jimmy: It is on!
:Coach: Good. We’re in an agreement, then.
:Chazz: You know what, dude. Your hand has to be on top.
:Jimmy: No way. The girl’s goes on top.
:Chazz: Yeah, ergo. Chick.
:Jimmy: I’m not the girl, I’m stronger.
:Chazz: No, I’m stronger and don’t have a vagina.
:Jimmy: You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass.
:Chazz: Fat ass?
:Chazz: I can’t do the Lotus with a shattered ankle. I’m just a man for God’s sake.
:Jimmy: We’ll switch places.
:Chazz: I swear to God, if you cut my head off…
:Coach: Jimmy, you put your clothes on! Jimmy! Damn it!
:Jimmy: Watch my icy, hot superslide.
:Chazz: Do it.
:Jimmy: I will.
:Chazz: It’s not going to matter because you’re flat in front like Ken!

Cast

• Will Ferrell – Chazz Michael Michaels

• Jon Heder – Jimmy MacElroy

• Will Arnett – Stranz Van Waldenberg

• Amy Poehler – Fairchild Van Waldenberg

• Jenna Fischer – Katie Van Waldenberg

• William Fichtner – Darren MacElroy

• Craig T. Nelson – Coach

Source: Wikiquote