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Batman: The Animated Series quotes

Season One

On Leather Wings

:Bullock: I want my own tactical squad for the sole purpose of throwing the net over this “Batman”.
:Gordon: I’ve already denied the request. Nobody is taking a vigilante force onto my streets.
:Bullock: Your Honor, any nutcase that dresses up like a bat sooner or later is gonna snap.
:Gordon: Listen, it’s just not Batman’s M.O.
:Bullock: Oh yeah?! Tell that to the guy he just tossed through the window!
:Batman: [reading paper] “Gotham Police Declare War on Batman?”
:Alfred: I gather you’ve been reading How to Make Friends and Influence People.
:Batman: Somebody’s setting me up.
:Alfred: My heavens! You mean it wasn’t you tossing guards out of windows last night?
:Batman: I only toss butlers, Alfred.

The Cat And The Claw Part 1

:Selina: I’m afraid I’m not going to be very good company.
:Bruce: Is there anything I can do?
:Selina: Not really… unless you can get me a meeting with the chairman of Multigon International.
:Bruce: [Picks up a phone and dials] What time’s good for you?
:Selina: Hey, I’m starting to like this guy.
:Stern: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve given you all the time I can spare.
:Selina: You’ll find more time for me, Mr. Stern. Before I’m through, I’ll have every environmental group and animal rights activist breathing down your neck. They’ll be looking at you and your project so closely, you’ll feel like a bug in a bell-jar.

The Cat And The Claw Part 2

:Batman: Red Claw? A woman???
:Red Claw: Do you have a problem with that, Batman?
:Batman: Not at all. I’m an equal opportunity crime fighter!
:Red Claw: You’ve finally met your match, Batman! Not surprising it’s a woman!

Heart Of Ice

:[Batman analyses several stolen objects on the Batcomputer]
:Alfred: Taking up videogames, are we, sir?
:Batman: I’ve accessed police files on the Gothcorp raids, these are the stolen objects. They don’t look like much alone, but in this configuration….
:[Batman clicks several buttons and the objects on the screen combine into a large cannon]
:Alfred: My word!
:Batman: They combine into a massive weapon able to generate intense cold. There’s still one component missing, and only one Gothcorp plant makes it.
:Mr. Freeze: The snow is beautiful, don’t you think? Clean, uncompromising…
:Batman: And cold.
:Mr. Freeze: Like the swift hand of vengeance.
:Batman: I saw what happened to your wife. I’m sorry.
:Mr. Freeze: I am beyond emotions. They’ve been frozen dead in me.
:Batman: That suit you wear – a result of the coolant?
:Mr. Freeze: Very good; a detective to the last. I can no longer survive outside a sub-zero environment. Tonight, I mean to pay back the man who ruined my life… our lives.
:Batman: Even if you have to kill everyone in the building to do it?
:Mr. Freeze: Think of it, Batman: to never again walk on a summer’s day, with the hot wind in your face and a warm hand to hold. Oh, yes. I’d kill for that!

Feat Of Clay Part 1

Feat Of Clay Part 2

:Matt Hagen: [testing his new shapeshifting powers] The formula must have soaked every cell in my body.
:Teddy: It’s some kind of miracle!
:[Matt changes back into Clayface]
:Teddy: Wha… What are you doing?
:Clayface: No. No! You broke my concentration! It won’t work, don’t you see?! It’s too hard! It’s like tensing a muscle – I can’t keep it up for long!! MY CAREER, MY LIFE – IT IS GONE!!! AND I CAN NEVER GET IT BACK!!!
:[In his rage, Clayface destroys several things in the trailer]
:Clayface: I’m not an actor anymore! I’m not even… a man!
:Woman: I’d like to ask Mr. Daggett about the rumors I’ve heard. I hear he’s selling Renuyu through direct marketing because stores won’t carry it due to its harmful side effects.
:Daggett: Well that’s, uh, absolutely untrue-
:Woman: What about the addictive properties of Renuyu, Mr. Daggett? Once you’re hooked, you can’t stop using it without horrible…pain!
:Daggett: No! I mean… That’s just not so!
:Woman: Why don’t you tell them what an overdose can do, Daggett? Why don’t you tell them… [She transforms into Clayface] about ME?!

It’s Never Too Late

Joker’s Favor

:Joker: [tosses two pennies on the ground] There’s your two cents. Now, what were you going to do to me?
:Charlie: Listen, I’ve had a rough day. Boss turned me down for a raise, and…
:Joker: Now look, my rude friend! We can’t have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It’s simply not polite! [jumps down and grabs him] I’m just going to have to teach you some manners. [reaches into his coat]
:Charlie: Please don’t! I have a family, a wife, a little boy! Please! I’ll do anything to make it up! Anything!
:Joker: Anything, says you? [Charlie nods; Joker releases him] Okee-dokee! Wallet.
:Charlie: Uh, okay. I don’t have much cash.
:Joker: Oh, please! Don’t insult me! [takes out driver's license] Charles Michael Collins. That’s you! Tsk tsk, lousy picture, though. Lousy! Address, height, weight, blah blah blah. [tosses the wallet back and keeps the license] Righty-o, Chuckers! Here’s the deal. I’ll let you off if you promise to do a little favor for me.
:Charlie: Okay. What?
:Joker: I DON’T KNOW! I HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF IT YET! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life, and when I need you, I’ll call. Fair? Good? Great! I’ll be in touch. [walks away, laughing maniacally]
:Joker: (On phone) Hello, Charlie.
:Charlie: Wrong number, pal. My name’s Don.
:Joker: Oh, no, this is the right number. This is Charles Michael Collins… oh, I don’t know why you changed your name to Don Wallace, and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane, Springdale, Ohio. One might think you were trying to skip out on our little deal.
:Charlie: (Terrified) How did you find me?
:Joker: Oh, I never lost you, Chaz. You’ve become my hobby! (Laughs hysterically)

Pretty Poison

:Dent: So, what do you think?
:Bruce: Does she have a sister?
:Dent: Nope. Pam’s one of a kind. That’s why I’m gonna ask her to marry me.
:[Bruce spits while drinking water upon hearing this]
:Bruce: WHAT?!!
:Dent: Yup, that’s right. Hey… is it starting to get warm?
:Bruce: You’re still flushed from that last kiss. Harvey, you just met her last week!
:Dent: And I already know she’s the one. Gosh, it’s so hot in here…
:Bruce: Marriage is a major step, Harv. Don’t you think you’re rushing it?
:Dent: No way. The moment I laid eyes on Pam, it would hit me right in the face.
:[Dent falls unconscious]
:Bruce: [laughs] Harvey, you’ve lost your mind. Knock it off. Harv? Harvey!
:[The doctors brings Dent to an ambulance]
:Bruce: Hang on, Harvey. Hang on.
:Batman: Why, Isley?
:Poison Ivy: Oh, please, call me Poison Ivy. You see, Harvey had to pay for his crime.
:Batman: What crime?
:Poison Ivy: Why, murder, of course. Plowing up a field of beautiful wildflowers for that silly penitentiary of his. This little rose would be extinct today if I hadn’t saved my precious from those horrible bulldozers! The blood of those flowers are on his hands! [calms down after her tantrum] So his fate was sealed…. [Applies lipstick] …with a kiss. And now so is yours.

Nothing To Fear

:[Scarecrow sprays a strange gas into a guard's face.]
:Guard: Hey, what the–? N-no. No, spiders! Get them offa me! No! No! [Cowers in terror.]
:Anthony: What did you do to him, boss?
:Scarecrow: I merely helped him visualize his innermost terror, which is obviously arachnophobia.
:Nigel: A-whack-a-what?
:Scarecrow: Arachnophobia! Fear of spiders, you dimwitted dropout!
:Thomas Wayne: (Hallucination) You are a disgrace!!
:Batman: No. You are not my father. I am not a disgrace! I am vengeance. I am the night! I – am – BATMAN!!

Be A Clown

:Hamilton Hill: [on TV, about Batman] He and criminals like the Joker are cut from the same fabric.
:Joker: [watching] What?! Compare ME to BATMAN?! I’ve got more style! More brains! I’m certainly a better dresser!
:Gleason: The Mayor declined, however, to confirm that his son, Jordan was missing.
:Joker: Missing?
:Jordan: It’s me, Jekko. I ran away.
:Joker: You did WHAT?!!
:Jordan: I want to be a magician, like you.
:Joker: Why, you… [laughs] Well, kid, you got step one right! Come on in. I’ve been thinking about a protege.

Appointment In Crime Alley

P.O.V.

The Clock King

:Mayor Hill: Oh! Good morning, um…
:Fugate: Fugate. Temple Fugate. I should think you remember the name by now, councillor. We’ve only been taking the same train every day for one year, seven months and thirteen days.
:Hill: Oh, right! The efficiency expert.
:Clock King: Well, well, well. The Batman. It’s about time you showed up. I’ll bet you’re wondering why I’ve sent downtown Gotham into a standstill. Well, let’s just say that I’m a civic-minded citizen with a lot of time on my hands. (Throws a clock-grenade at Batman, who dodges)
:Batman: I want some answers, wise-guy. Talk!
:Clock King: A pity. I don’t know what to tell you, Batman… except that the 9:15 is always six minutes early. [He jumps off the roof, landing on a train going by]

The Last Laugh

:Summer Gleeson: I’m here in Downtown Gotham where corporate CEOs have gon stock-raving mad. It would appear that the collapse of the stock market is now imminent. The question is: Will April Fool’s Day mark the end of Gotham City as we know it?
:Joker: The only things gaining now are the laughing stocks! [laughs]
:Batman: Justice will be served, Joker.
:Joker: Service with a smile?
:[He tosses a razor card at Batman. Batman dodges it just in time.]
:Batman: Clean up your act, Joker.
:Joker: Oh, that’s a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke!

Eternal Youth

:Thomas: You wicked, evil-
:Poison Ivy: Evil, Mrs. Thomas? I don’t control a company that leveled a thousand-year-old forest for a strip mine! That’s evil!
:[Ivy's henchwomen begin to spray Batman with the growth formula]
:Poison Ivy: This spray is triple strength, Batman! It will start the transformation without any preliminaries! [Nothing seems to happen to Batman as he unties his hands] He should be sprouting leaves by now!
:Batman: [Unties his hands and stands up, blocking the spray with his cape as he advances] You made your secret too accessible, Ivy! I coated my outfit with a herbicidal antidote!
:Poison Ivy: Keep spraying!
:[Violet and Lily back away, still spraying, but Batman subdues them both]

Two-Face Part 1

:[After Frankie kicks mud onto his suit, Harvey Dent loses his temper and attacks him]
:Frankie: Hey!
:[Dent tosses Frankie to the mud]
:Dent: You little weasel! I’ll tear you apart!
:Frankie: Help! Get him off! He’s crazy! Someone get him off me!
:Policeman: Hey, give me some help here!
:Dent: Kick mud on my face, will ya?!
:Frankie: Help!
:Gordon: Harvey! Get a hold of yourself!
:Dent: Jim, I… I… I…
:[The reporters stare at Dent, shocked]
:Gordon: Come on, you don’t need this kind of publicity.
:Frankie: The guy’s a maniac! He’s the one who should be going to jail!
:[Dent's raid on Thorne has been aborted by the judge due to lack of reliable evidence]
:Dent: No! NO! I SPENT THREE MONTHS ON THAT RAID!!! He can’t overturn! The fool! HE’S BEEN BOUGHT! LIKE ALL THE REST!
:Bruce Wayne: [tries to restrain him] Harvey, please try to calm down. This sort of behaviour doesn’t run well with the voters-
:Dent: LET GO OF ME, YOU RICH TWIT!!
:Rupert Thorne: All men have something to hide. The brighter the picture, the darker the negative.

Two-Face Part 2

:(Bruce Wayne is having a nightmare)
:Two-Face: (Falling from a bridge to his death) Why couldn’t you save me?! ”(He vanishes, and is replaced by Bruce’s parents)
:Thomas Wayne: Why couldn’t you save us, son?
:(Bruce wakes up, sweating. He then turns to a photo of Two-Face from a newspaper)
:Bruce Wayne: What are you dreaming tonight, Harvey? Peaceful dreams? Nightmares? Maybe both at once. Sleep well, my friend. Whether you are, whatever you’ve become… I will save you. I swear.
:[Batman causes Two-Face to lose his coin among several others]
:Two-Face: No! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! My coin… where is it?! I can’t decide without– Ooohh, no, it’s gotta be here, it’s gotta! I HAVE TO HAVE IT!!! (shrieks frantically, and finally collapses onto the floor sobbing)

Fear Of Victory

:Mr. Lucky: Lost? You have that bewildered look, but your sort always does.
:Thug: (grabs him threateningly) I ain’t lost. I’m lookin’ for you! I wanna know how come you always win, Mr. Lucky.
:Mr. Lucky: It’s quite simple, actually. I fix the games.
:Thug: You can’t fix all those sports. Nobody can!
:Mr. Lucky: Oh, ye of little brain, allow me to illustrate. [hands the thug an envelope] Here. You can read, can’t you?
:Thug: [reads it] “Boo!” Hey, is this some kinda joke?
:Mr. Lucky: It’s no joke, I assure you. It’s the fear of victory, and the agony of…
:[The Thug pulls Mr. Lucky out of the shadows, revealing his true identity:]
:Scarecrow: … the Scarecrow!
:Batman: Change of luck, Scarecrow? You’re aware that gambling is illegal in Gotham?
:Scarecrow: I need the money, Batman! You know the cost of chemicals these days.

I’ve Got Batman In My Basement

:Sherman’s Mom: You’re not trying to make gunpowder again, are you?
:Sherman: No, Mom! Honest!
:Roberta: We just saved Batman’s life, Mrs. Grant, and now we’re hiding him from some bad criminals.
:Mom: That’s good, just don’t make a mess.

Vendetta

:Batman: Here’s how it works, slimeball. I have questions, and if you have answers, I’ll leave you alone.
:Thorne: Oh, I have plenty of answers… thirty-eight caliber answers. Now then, you were saying?
:Batman: (Using Thorne as a shield) I was saying, you’d better hope your men are very good shots.

Prophecy Of Doom

:Nostromos: I predict… you and I are about to become rich as pigs!

The Forgotten

:Bruce: What is this?
:Smith: If it’s moving, it’s a rat. If it isn’t, it’s a cooked rat.
:Alfred: This must be the place! Bring us down!
:Batwing Computer: Negative.
:Alfred: But Master Bruce is down there! We have to land!
:Computer: Impossible. Area too confined.
:Alfred: (Pounding controls) Land, you bucket of bolts!
:Computer: Your funeral.

Mad As A Hatter

:Jervis Tech: (Discussing the subject of Alice to his lab rats.) Of course, intellectually I know it’s wrong. After all, she has a boyfriend. Better to withdraw like a gentleman- forget her, turn my heart to other pursuits. [Brief pause] NEVER! After all, I’ve created a chip strong enough to control a human brain! It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love ME! But…that would reduce her to a soulless shell. No…not my Alice.
:Mad Hatter: I’ll cut that cowl from your neck before you take her! I’ve waited my whole lonely life for her!
:Batman: Then all you’ve waited for is a puppet. A soulless little doll.
:Mad Hatter: It didn’t have to be this way! You made me do this to her!

The Cape & Cowl Conspiracy

:Batman: (About the Bat-Signal) Got a new toy, I see.
:Gordon: I figured it might come in handy.
:Wormwood: Now, I don’t actually know how hot 20,000 watts make a room, but I do know it melts wax, and eventually, it will melt you.

Perchance To Dream

:Mad Hatter: Are you the dreamer, or merely part of somebody else’s dream? That’s just the question Tweedle-Dee put to Alice in Through the Looking-
:Bruce: This isn’t some silly storybook!
:Bruce: [to "Batman"] Here I am! I’ve been waiting for you! YOU did this to me!
:Bruce: [On a ledge, preparing to jump] You’re wrong! There is a way out!
:Mad Hatter: Now wait just a minute! Don’t do anything foolish! This isn’t an ordinary dream! What if you’re wrong?!
:Bruce: THEN I’LL SEE YOU IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!
:Gotham Police Officer: [After Bruce gets away from him by climbing a wall with a grappling hok] That guy moves like Batman!
:Batman: WHY? Why did you do it?!
:Mad Hatter: You, of all people, have the gall to ask me that? You ruined my life! I was willing to give you whatever life you wanted, just to keep you out of mine!
:[Batman hands the dream machine to Gordon]
:Gordon: Something for the lab boys to play with. Any idea what it is?
:Batman: [walking away] Yes. The stuff….dreams are made of.

The Underdwellers

:Batman: I don’t pass sentence. That’s for the courts to decide. But this time — this time — I am sorely tempted to do the job myself!
:The Sewer King: Lesson number one: NOOOOO TAAAALKING!!!!

Night Of The Ninja

:Kyodai Ken: (Throwing Bruce) Don’t be depressed, Wayne-san. You’re not bad for a rich man’s pampered son.
:Sensei: (Leaps across room and throws Kyodai) There’s always someone better, Kyodai.
:Batman: His name is Kyodai Ken. He was good.
:Robin: Yeah? How good?
:Batman: (Quickly) Good.
:Robin: I see.

The Strange Secret Of Bruce Wayne

:Strange: We will continue tomorrow, yes?
:Bruce: I’ll… have to think about it. Good day, doc. (Leaves)
:Strange: (Quietly) And good day to you… Batman.
:Strange: Joker, please! I was set up! Bruce Wayne is Batman!
:Two-Face: That’s absurd! I know Bruce Wayne. If he’s Batman, I’m the King of England!
:Two-Face: Get out of my face, clown!
:Joker: Which one?

Tyger, Tyger

:Garth: The doctor doesn’t take kindly to uninvited guests. (Grabs Batman)
:Dorian: Garth! Bring him down here! (Batman drags Garth through the skylight) Well, that’s one way to do it.
:Dorian: I want to test Tygrus’ reflexes and feral strength, and who better to pit him against than you? I’ll give you a generous head start before I release Tygrus. If you defeat him, I shall relinquish this, the antigen to reverse Catwoman’s mutation.
:Batman: How do I know you’ll keep your word?
:Dorian: You don’t. The clock is ticking, Batman.

Dreams In Darkness

:Scarecrow: An entire city, screaming in fear… I wonder if we’ll be able to hear it…

Beware The Gray Ghost

:[At a video shop, Bruce Wayne asks for Gray Ghost films]
:Bruce Wayne: I’d like the Gray Ghost.
:Store Clerk: [smirks and walks away] Hmm. Name something else.
:Wayne: You said you had everything.
:Store Clerk: Except the Gray Ghost-nobody has them! The studio that made the show, Spectra? It burned down 20 years ago. The negatives were lost too, real shame.
:Wayne: So you say the Gray Ghost doesn’t exist?
:Clerk: Not anymore. Sorry, pal.
:Simon Trent: Here’s your answer, take it and go!
:Batman: I used to admire what the Gray Ghost stood for.
:Simon Trent: I’m not the Gray Ghost!
:Batman: [coldly] I can see that now.
:[At the launch of the Gray Ghost videos]
:Bruce: As a kid, I used to watch you with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.
:Gray Ghost: Really…
:Bruce: And he still is.

Cat Scratch Fever

:Selina Kyle: Don’t tell me you’re my very own private probation officer. How often would you like me to check in?
:Batman: (Feeling Catwoman’s forehead) You’re hot.
:Catwoman: Now you notice.

I Am The Night

:Batman: Sometimes, old friend, I wonder if I’m really doing any good out there.
:Alfred: How can you doubt it? The lives you’ve saved, the criminals you’ve brought to justice-
:Batman: I’ve put out a few fires, yes. But the war goes on, Alfred. On and on…

Almost Got ‘Im

:Joker: I want a nice clean game, gentlemen.
:Penguin: That’ll be a first. So, I hear ‘you-know-who’ nailed the Mad Hatter last week.
:Joker: No kidding. He sure gets around for one guy.
:Two-Face: Yeah, well that’s where you’re wrong. I don’t think it is one guy.
:Killer Croc: Huh?
:Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon’s got a bunch of ‘em stashed someplace like a SWAT team. He wants you to think it’s one guy, but–
:Joker: Meh. You’re always seeing double.
:Penguin: It’s obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.
:Joker: Sure! He could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! (As Two-Face crushes a milk carton) Uh, no offence, Harv.
:Two-Face: Just deal.
:Killer Croc: You know what I think?
:Joker: (Groans) Not the robot theory again.
:Killer Croc: Well, he could be.
:Penguin: What brings such a dainty dove in this dismal den?
:Poison Ivy: Running from the law and the Batman, too, of course.
:Penguin: Of course.
:Joker: Likewise.
:Two-Face: You got it.
:Killer Croc: Same here. You’d think one of us would have got him right now.
:Penguin: I’ve come the closest.
:Poison Ivy: Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly…
:Two-Face: Nobody’s come closer to snuffing the Batman than me.
:[The villains, except Joker, argue who is the one almost got Batman. Joker whistles]
:Joker: The fact, the matter is, we each have an ‘Almost Got ‘Im Batman’ story. I know mine’s the best, but let’s hear yours anyway. I’d say, ladies first, but since we don’t have any, we’ll start with you, Pam!

Moon Of The Wolf

Terror In The Sky

:Batman: Reports of a huge bat creature the size of a man. Remind you of anybody?
:Alfred: Present company excluded?

Christmas With The Joker

:Joker: Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay! [he then jumps onto the giant Christmas Tree which is actually a rocket] Crashing through the roof! In a one-horse-open tree! Busting out I go! Laughing all the WHEEEEE! [the "rocket-tree" flies off into the distance as he sings]
:[At the Christmas with the Joker show]
:Joker: Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.
:Laugh track: Yea!
:Joker: And since I don’t have one of my own…
:Laugh track: Aww…
:Joker: I decided to steal one!
:Laugh track: Yea!
:Joker: And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family! [lights turn on and reveal Gordon, Summer, and Bullock tied up and gagged] Aren’t they just the cutest family you’ve ever seen?
:Batman: [watching in the Batmobile] It’s never easy with the Joker.
:Joker: Meet Daddy Lawful! [ungags Gordon]
:Commissioner Gordon: You diseased maniac! I’ll– [Joker gags him again] mhmmphm!
:Joker: Hmm. Looks like I’ll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here’s Mommy Lawful! [ungags Summer]
:Summer Gleason: Help! Somebody please help us– [Joker gags her again] mhmmphm!
:Joker: Ho ho ho, isn’t she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! [ungags Bullock]
:Detective Bullock: When I get my hands on you, I’ll rip your– [Joker gags him again] mhmmphm!
:Joker: I’ll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them… if he can find them by midnight! Otherwise… [makes a throat-slashing motion and laughs]
:Summer Gleason: My mother’s on that train!
:Joker: Your mother? Well, that’s different then! [in a funny voice as his handpuppet] Yeah, it’ll be even more exciting when it crashes! [Joker laughs in his normal voice]

Heart Of Steel Part 1

:Alfred: [After learning about the AI project] Sounds as if the human race could become quite expendable, except for butlers, of course.
:Batman: Of course.

Heart Of Steel Part 2

:Randa: You have immobilized the maker.
:HARDAC: His human imperfection endangers the plan. He must be improved upon.
:HARDAC: The maker’s concept was sound, but he did not go far enough – which is why I have taken over.

If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Rich?

:Edward Nygma: (Being cheated out of the sales of his game) You are a fool, Mockridge, to think you can get away with this! Your amoral greed is no match for an intellect like mine!
:Mockridge: Oh, yeah? Then tell me something, Eddie: if you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich?
:[Batman reprograms the Hand of Fate, and uses it to carry himself and Robin to the centre of the maze]
:Riddler: That is grand-scale CHEATING, Batman! You’re not allowed to tamper with the Hand of Fate!
:Batman: I don’t believe in fate!
:Riddler: You probably don’t believe in Minotaurs either, but you’ll still have to answer the Riddle.
:Minotaur Robot: I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscles, yet I move two hemispheres. What am I?
:Batman: That’s simple: the human brain.
:[The Minotaur backs away]
:Batman: It has billions of optic and auditory nerves, four lobes and two hemispheres, and it’s the only thing Edward Nygma respects.

Joker’s Wild

:Poison Ivy: (as Joker changes the channel in the TV) Hey, I was watching that!
:Joker: And now you’re watching this!
:Poison Ivy: Change it back!
:Joker: Nope, nope, nope, nope, don’t want to.
:Poison Ivy: Guard!
:Security Guard: What’s the problem?
:Joker: Don’t look now, Sonny Jim, but the Plant Lady has gone whackers again.
:Poison Ivy: He started it. I was just sitting here.
:(Joker, enraged, smashes the TV)
:Joker: How dare that smug, preening fool cash in on my image?!
:Poison Ivy: Now, who should lighten up?
:Joker: Don’t get too cute with me, Red. He’s ripping me off. I’ll protest. Yeah, I’ll sue! Then I’ll rip his lungs out! And I will too!
:Security Guard: Take it easy.
:Joker: (pretending to be sick) I feel dizzy. Sick. Everything’s spinning. I need a doctor.
:Poison Ivy: Oh, Joker, thanks for the smile.

His Silicon Soul

:Rossum: You don’t understand. You’re not a man’s mind in a robot’s body. You’re a robot. Period.
:Bat-Duplicant: You’re lying! It’s not possible! I know my family and friends! I remember names, faces, birthdays! I have memories! A past!
:Rossum: You have information. Data. Nothing more. Do you remember your first kiss? Your favorite song? The last time you tasted a really good steak?
:Bat-Duplicant: No, but-
:Rossum: Can you remember anything beyond cold, hard facts? Facts can be implanted, accessed from any number of sources.
:Bat-Duplicant (Brandishing sword): How can you do this? HARDAC’s goals are identical to your own!
:Batman: How did you figure that?
:Bat-Duplicant: Picture a world completely free of crime, free of suffering, free of frailty.
:Batman: You mean free of choice? Compassion? Free of humanity?
:Bat-Duplicant: YES!! (Swings sword)
:Batman: You can’t. HARDAC built you well.
:(The Bat-Duplicant stuggles with himself, then reluctantly drops the sword)
:Batman: Perhaps, even better than he could have imagined.

Off Balance

:Talia: My contact lenses! I lost them when we fell! They counter the distortion effect. Without them, I’m as helpless as you.
:Batman: I don’t do helpless.
:Ra’s al Ghul: So even in defeat, the detective manages to achieve some small measure of victory. As you said, detective: this is not over.

What Is Reality?

:Riddler: Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no tales. It all makes sense when you add it up!
:[In the Batmobile]
:Alfred: Four quarters and a penny, sir?
:Batman: Penny… Penny… Cent… Red cent… Copper. It’s made of copper.
:Alfred: And “copper” is another name for a policeman.
:Batman: And “no tails” would be heads. Police head… Quarters!
:Alfred: Police Headquarters. Bravo, sir! It does make “cents” when you add it up!
:[Batman kicks Alfred out of the Batmobile]
:Batman: You may control this world, Nygma, but I still control myself.
:Riddler: The name is Riddler! Edward Nygma no longer exists! You may remember that he was fired by an ungrateful employer. That was a private matter and should have remained one!
:Batman: Attempted homicide is never a private matter, Nygma.
:Riddler: But it would’ve been if you hadn’t interfered and made Nygma a criminal! So I deleted Nygma! Just like I’m going to delete you, Batman!

The Laughing Fish

:Alfred: (Seeing Batman with a Joker Fish) Dining in tonight, sir?
:Batman: (Sighs) The dissection tray, please… Alfred…
:(Alfred and Batman are in the Batcave examining one of the Joker’s fish, when all of a sudden, a TV commercial comes on)
:Harley Quinn: [singing] They’re finny and funny and oh so delish! They’re joyful and jolly Joker fish!
:[Fade to a generic dining room, featuring two of the Joker's henchmen sitting at the table, dressed as small children, with Harley wearing an apron which reads "Kiss the Cook"]
:Narrator (Joker): Say, Mom. Wondering what to feed the family tonight?
:Harley: What’ll I feed the family tonight?
:[In walks the Joker, dressed as the Gorton's Fisherman]
:Joker: [pirate's accent] Arrr! Try me famous Joker fish! There’s Smiling Smelt! Giggling Grouper! And Happy Haddock!
:Alfred: [to Batman] This could cause a stampede to pork!
:Joker: Yummy-yum-yum! [takes a forkful of fish and holds it in front of Harley, who obviously doesn't like fish] Eat it!
:Harley: Ummm, Mistah J?… I have this little…problem with fish–
:[Joker shoves the forkful of fish into Harley's mouth]
:Harley: [visibly disgusted] Yummy-yum-yum… [quickly runs out of frame]
:Joker: Yes, friends, that’s Joker fish! [Harley loudly retches off-camera] Tasty! Tempting! And of course…
:Henchmen: [flatly] Naturally low in cholesterol.
:Joker: Coming to your local store! [menacingly] Just as soon as that nasty ol’ Mr. G. Carl Francis decides to give me my legal cut of the profits! I hope you’ve changed you’ve changed your mind, Francis, [holds up a clock] because I most certainly haven’t changed mine. [laughs darkly]

Harley and Ivy

:Poison Ivy: No man can take us prisoner! (Her tire suddenly blows out, forcing their car off the road)
:Renee Montoya: (Holding a shotgun) Alright, ladies. Raise ‘em.

The Mechanic

:Batman: (in flashback) I need a new car.

The Man Who Killed Batman

:Joker: Without Batman, crime has no punchline.
:Joker: Dear friends, today is the day the clown cried. And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream: the dream that he would one day take his ultimate victory over his most hated enemy. For it was Batman who made me the happy soul I am today. How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that! Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face, or an explosive whoopie cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile. But those dreams were dashed (starts getting angry) by the weaselly little gunsel witting in our midst. This pathetic, cowardly garnet probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the trail of slime this loser left behind him! This mound of diseased hyena filth who isn’t fit to lick the dirt from my spats! (suddenly cheerful again) But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed, and it’s time to look ahead, to a future filled with smiles. And I’ll be smiling again, as soon as we take that man there, slap him in that box there, and roll him in that vat of acid there!
:Sid: No! No! Help! This isn’t funny anymore! Would it help if I said I was sorry? I’m really, really sorry!
:Joker: (After sending Sid to his doom) Well, that was fun! Who’s for Chinese?

Zatanna

:Zatanna: What do you care about some leggy dame in nylons- or have I just answered my own question?
:Zatanna (About Batman’s mask) What happened that made you put this on?
:Batman: A painful memory, and a promise.

Robin’s Reckoning Part 1

:Batman: [At the top of a building] All right, scumbucket. It’s you, me and thirty stories. You’re gonna tell me exactly what I want to know.
:Batman: If you protect him, Stromwell, I’ll be very…grumpy. You don’t want to see me when I’m grumpy.

Robin’s Reckoning Part 2

:Tony Zucco: I’m not back in town five minutes – five minutes – and he’s on my tail. You don’t know the Bat. He don’t let up! He’s the dark angel of death, man, and he wants me!
:[Robin is about to throw Tony Zucco off the pier]
:Tony Zucco: No, don’t! Please…
:Batman: Robin! [walks up to him with a piece of wood as a cane] Enough, you can’t let your emotions get the best of you.
:Robin: Stuff your advice, Batman! You and your stone-cold heart! You never knew how I feel. HOW COULD YOU?!?! [Batman looks at him, Robin realizes what he said] Batman, I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry.

Birds Of A Feather

:Batman: Wherever you go, I’ll be right behind you.
:Penguin: Precisely where you belong.
:Batman: He wasn’t with them?
:Penguin: That’s right, you vulgar vigilante! In my day I associated with a much higher class of riff-raff!

Blind As A Bat

:Penguin: Your aim appears to be a little off today, Batman. I don’t think you could hit the broad side of a barn, let alone the broad side of this bird! You’re blind as a bat. Sightless and helpless.
:Batman: You’ve got one right.

Day Of The Samurai

:[Batman swoops away after rescuing his Sensei's student, Kairi]
:Kairi: [In Japanese] Spirit of the bat…

See No Evil

:Lloyd Ventrix: See you ’round, Batman! Too bad you can’t say the same!
:Batman: Ventrix, the suit! It’s poison!
:Ventrix: So what if it is?! I don’t care! As long as I have it, I can take my daughter back whenever I want! Her mother won’t stop me, AND NEITHER WILL YOU!

The Demon’s Quest Part 1

:Ra’s al Ghul: As Napoleon told me, “A strong will can fuel a frail physique.”

The Demon’s Quest Part 2

:Ra’s al Ghul: The material of the Pit is an unknown chemical stew that bubbles to the Earth’s surface only in certain key places. Even now, my people are placing bombs, such as that one, over the various Lazarus Pits around the world. These bombs are electronically linked to a private satellite already in Earth orbit.
:Batman: Orpheus.
:Ra’s al Ghul: Precisely. And at the moment when sun and moon are in proper alignment to cause the greatest upheaval in Earth’s geomagnetic field, I shall send a signal to that satellite, beginning a countdown. Five minutes thereafter, one bomb will be lowered deep into the heart of each Pit. The satellite will in turn relay a microwave signal that will detonate all the bombs simultaneously. The multiple explosions will result in a global chain reaction. All the Lazarus Pits throughout the world will overflow. The globe will be saturated with their chemical solution, and when the resultant cataclysm has abated, there will come a blessed peace, and this poor, defiled planet shall find itself restored to its former pristine glory.
:Batman: But that will cost countless lives!
:Ra’s al Ghul: Actually, Detective, we have counted: Two billion, fifty-six million, nine hundred and eighty-six thousand! A most impressive plan, would you not agree?
:Batman: Yes… I can see it clearly now for the first time. You are completely out of your mind.

Read My Lips

:Batman: And if I tell?
:Scarface: Maybe you just get run over by a truck.

Fire From Olympus

:Stavros: Please! It’s not what you think. I wasn’t going to say anything. Honest!
:Maximillion “Maxie” Zeus: Silence! First, you transgress against me. Then, you force me to descend to the mortal plane. And now, you tell me I know not what I think?!
:Stavros: No!
:Maximillion “Maxie” Zeus: To the depths of Tartarus with you!
:Maximillion “Maxie” Zeus: You bore me with these tales of petty human concerns.
:Clio: [annoyed] You’re doing it again, Max.
:Maximillian “Maxie” Zeus: You are Clio, my muse of history. Amuse me with tales of ancient times when mortals trembled at the name of Zeus.
:Clio: You want a story? I got one. Seems there was this guy named Max who, because he’d been lucky so far in the smuggling racket, believed himself to be untouchable, superior, godlike…
:Maximillion “Maxie” Zeus: There’s a cynical edge to your voice I don’t appreciate. Know you not, I am above mortal constraints of right and wrong?
:Clio: No one is above the law, Max.
:Maximillion “Maxie” Zeus: I make my own laws!

Season Two

Shadow Of The Bat Part 1

:Barbara Gordon: So Batman can’t help me? Fine. Let’s see what Batgirl can do!

Shadow Of The Bat Part 2

:Two-Face: Don’t get wise with me, Mason. Remember who got you set up as Gordon’s assistant?
:Gil Mason: Right, Harvey, right.
:Two-Face: [grabs him] Don’t call me that! It’s Two-Face to you, pretty boy!!
:[Gil Mason is about to murder James Gordon to become commissioner, and later mayor]
:Gil Mason: It’s business, Jim. Nothing personal. Matter of fact, I respect you, I do. But a fellow has to take his opportunities where he finds them. And with you out of the way, I’ll be mayor inside of a year!
:Gordon: You’re sick, Gil! [glances at Two-Face] A lot sicker than him! At least I can see his bad half!
:Mason: Sorry you feel that way. At least you won’t have to worry about Barbara. I’ll take good care of her. She’s very fond of me, you know.
:Gordon: You piece of scum!! I may not be able to stop you, but I know someone who will!
:Mason: I wouldn’t get your hopes up. You see, there’s been a recent decline in the bat population…

Mudslide

:Clayface: [After civilians flee in terror upon seeing his true form] That’s right, run! Run for your measly lives! Run from Clayface!
:Clayface: You’ve upstaged me for the last time, Batman. Time to bring down the curtain!

The Worry Men

:Veronica: If ever someone led a worry-free life, it’s you, Bruce Wayne.
:Mad Hatter: (preparing a guillotine) As the great Lewis Carroll said: “One, two, one, two, and through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!”

Paging The Crime Doctor

:Thorne: You think you iced the Batman, huh? Heh heh heh… Not on your best day, Jake! I’d cover my back if I were you.

House and Garden

:Batman: She’s done nothing more incriminating than return an overdue video – even paid the late fee.
:Alfred: Could it be Ivy truly has reformed?
:Batman: I want to believe it. Why can’t I?
:Batman: For what it’s worth, I believed when she said that, for the first time in her life, she was happy.

Sideshow

:Billy: Why Croc? Why’d you turn on us like that? We couldv’e helped you. We could’ve done something.
:Killer Croc: You said you could be yourself out here remember? Well, I guess that’s what I was doing. Being myself.

Avatar

:Bruce: You’ve got a serious priority problem, Ra’s. What can be in that tomb that’s more valuable than the love of your daughter?
:Ra’s Al Ghul: Power, detective.

Trial

:Two-Face: Basic fifty-fifty option. You get him off, you both go free. He goes down, you take the fall with him.
:Hatter: Amusing idea, what? Kidnapping you to be Batman’s attorney?
:Two-Face: Personally, I suggested a quick slug between the eyes… but I lost the coin toss.
:Scarface: Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury.
:Hatter: Hang him!
:Harley: Shoot him!
:Killer Croc: Hit him with a rock!
:Scarface: And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!
:Joker: GUILTY!

Harlequinade

:Harley: Look, Bats. When I was a doctor I was always listening to other people’s problems. Then I met Mister J, who listened to me for a change and made everything fun.
:Batman: You think it’s funny when he hurts people?
:Harley: It’s just a joke.
:Batman: Hope you’re still laughing when it’s your turn.
:Robin: It’s lucky you were here, Harley. The countdown sequence didn’t leave Joker enough time to swing by Arkham and pick you up.
:Joker: Quiet, brat.
:Harley: You were going to come back for me, weren’t you, puddin’?
:Joker: Of course, pumpkin pie! It’s just that, uh… here you are! So I can… save myself a trip!
:Harley: But what about all our friends! Ivy, and Two-Face and… Hat-Guy and… Lizard Man and… Puppet-Head…
:Joker: What about them?
:Batman: Don’t forget your little pets!
:Harley: The babies! We can’t leave the babies!
:Joker: I’ll buy you a goldfish! Let’s go!
:Harley: No!
:Joker: Why you little-
:Harley: (Hits Joker and runs toward Batman) You know, Bats, I got a crazy idea Mister J may not be the guy for me after all!

Season Three

Bane

:Thorne: You almost didn’t get paid. You’re lucky these diamonds didn’t get nabbed in the smuggling bust.
:Bane: No, Mr. Thorne. You are the lucky one. (He punches the punching bag across the room)
:Bane: Toys. You try to fight me with pathetic little toys. You’ve got nothing! Beg for mercy! SCREAM MY NAME!
:Batman: Never.
:Bane: You are beaten! Now I will break you!

Second Chance

:Batman: You’re your own worst enemy, Harvey.
:Two-Face: No – I’m your worst enemy.

Riddler’s Reform

:Riddler: He’s right, you know.
:Thug: Who?
:Riddler: Batman. He is going to catch me… sooner or later.
:Thug: Gee, boss, you’re scaring me. You’re talking kinda crazy.
:Riddler: DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT! I fooled the police, the doctors, the Parole Board – all of them! There’s only one person who’s ever been able to challenge me: Batman! He’s the only one worthy of the game!
:Thug: But you said sooner or later he’s gonna catch you. What are you gonna do?
:Riddler: I’m never going back to Arkham! So I guess there’s only one thing to do!
:Riddler: [ranting in a cell in Arkham] It’s impossible, I tell you! Impossible! My trap was perfect! How did he do it?! I have to know! Somebody tell me! It’s not fair! There was no way, I tell you! No way he could have gotten out! SOMEBODY TELL ME! DO YOU HEAR ME?! SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW HE DID IT!! I HAVE TO KNOW!! I HAVE TO KNOOOOOOOOOW!!!

Baby Doll

:Robin: (Watching episodes of Baby Doll’s old TV show) You remember when Poison Ivy had us tangled up in those vines? The ones with the REALLY big thorns?
:Batman: Yes.
:Robin:(Gestures at TV) This is worse.
:(Baby Doll aims her gun at Batman in a fun house tunnel maze)
:Baby Doll: Game’s over, Mr. Batman! I WIN!
:(Batman throws a Batarang, knocking the doll-gun down a slide)
:Baby Doll: No fair!
:(She runs to retrieve it, and stumbles into a room full of fun-house mirrors. She picks up the gun, wandering through the various distorted reflections, until she comes to one that shows her as an adult)
:Baby Doll (her voice now deep and mature): Look! That’s me in there! The real me! There I am!
:(She touches the reflection, and her face changes)
:Baby Doll: …But it’s not really real, is it? Just…made-up and pretend, like my family, and my life, and everything else!
:(Turns to face Batman, who stands behind her)
:Baby Doll: (furiously) Why couldn’t you just let me MAKE-BELIEVE?!
:(She fires the gun wildly, aiming at reflections of Batman and shattering the mirrors. When she finally turns to the one that contains her adult image, her eyes fill with tears as she shoots and destroys it. As Batman approaches her, she sobs like a little girl, firing the now-empty gun)
:Baby Doll (clutching Batman’s leg and crying): … I didn’t mean to…

Time Out Of Joint

Harley’s Holiday

:Scarecrow: I am the Master of Fear! The Lord of Despair! Cower before me in witless terror!
:Harley: Hi, Professor Crane!
:Scarecrow: (Smiling quietly) Good evening, child. (To Batman and Robin, furiously) Worship me, you fools! Worship me! Scream hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow, the all-terrible God of Fear!! (Guards take him away)
:Robin: I think he’s getting better.
:Harley: Hey, don’t I know you?
:Bruce: I don’t think so…
:Harley: (Covers Bruce’s upper face with her hand) Something about that chin… I know! (Pauses) You’re Bruce Wayne! The boy billionaire!

Make ‘Em Laugh

:Dispatcher: Disturbance reported at the top of the Crown restaurant. Suspect is a male costumed extremist armed with what appears to be a… ketchup gun.
:Batman: It’s going to be one of those nights.
:Condiment King: So long, suckers! Parting is such sweet-and-sour sorrow. (Batman yanks away his loot bag) What’s this? Ah! The big bad Bat-guy. I knew you’d ketchup to me sooner or later. How I relished this meeting. You, the dynamic Dark Knight, versus me, the conceptual Condiment King! Come, Batman. Let’s see if you can cut the mustard.
:Batman: Quiet! (He punches the King in the stomach)
:Condiment King: (Slumps to ground, gasping) You hit me!

Batgirl Returns

:Catwoman: Bats are just mice with wings, little girl.
:Batgirl: So, what are you going to do? Leave us over one of these vats with acid burning through the rope?
:Daggett: (Laughs) If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that you crime-fighting types are very resourceful. So, I’ll just have my men shoot you and throw your bodies in the vats.

Lock-Up

:Scarecrow: Don’t take me back there, please! Look at me, Batman! I’m shaking with fear! Me! The Scarecrow! I wasn’t even going back to crime this time! I just had to get away from… him!
:Lyle Bolton: I’ll take it from here, Batman. Lyle Bolton, Chief of security. Congratulations, Professor Crane. You’re the first inmate to escape Arkham under my charge. (He grabs Crane by the collar; Crane whimpers) You’re also the last.
:Bartholomew: Ms. Quinn? Do you have any complaints against Mr. Bolton?
:[Lyle Bolton sneers threateningly at Harley]
:Harley Quinn: I got nothing to say.
:Bartholomew: But surely you must have something you wish to–
:Harley Quinn: You got a hearing problem or something?! NO! NADA! IXNAY! ZERO! ZILCH! BUPKES! NOTHING! OKAY?!
:Bullock: Just what this town needs. Another psycho in a Halloween costume.

Deep Freeze

:Batman: Men like Walker are obsessed with getting their own way. And they don’t let little things like the law stop them.
:Grant Walker: Do you realise that in your half-frozen state, you will age more slowly than an ordinary human? You’re practically immortal, my friend!
:Mr. Freeze: Yes, eternal life trapped in this wretched shell! What a miserable joke.
:Grant Walker: Miserable to you, but a godsend to me. Look at me, Mr. Freeze, I’m an old man. I’ve created wonders in my lifetime, but there is still so much to do! I want to change as you have. To become, like you, a being of blessed, eternal cold.
:Mr. Freeze: You’re insane.
:Grant Walker: Only you know how to duplicate the accident that made you what you are. What I long to become!
:Mr. Freeze: (grabs him) You want to live like this? Abandoned and alone? A prisoner in a world you can see but never touch? (drops him and turns away) Old and infirm as you are, I’d trade a thousand of my frozen years for your worst day.
:Grant Walker: This is my dream, my vision! I cheated death to make it real, and you won’t stop me!
:Mr. Freeze: You may live forever, Grant Walker, but your mad dream dies now. (freezes him)
:Mr. Freeze: Attention, citizens of Oceania. Your city is doomed. If you value your lives, you will evacuate now. That is all.

Season Four

The Terrible Trio

:Warren: Is this all you do for kicks, Bruce? Charity work?
:Bruce: Well, I do have a night life.
:Batman: Scoundrels like these are worse than the Joker. At least he’s got madness as an excuse!

Showdown

:Sheriff: Well, well. Jonah Hex his own bad self. Been here five minutes and you ain’t killed nobody nor set nothin’ on fire. Slippin’ ain’t you?
:Jonah Hex: I’m still a little bushed.
:Sheriff: Fact is, you look a little past it, Hex. Not tired, just all used up.
:Hex: Well, when I get pushed, I can still shoot a fly out from between its wings. Provided the right lights, of course, and it’s a big plump fly.

Catwalk

:Catwoman: What a pleasant surprise. Though I should warn you – breaking and entering is against the law.
:Batman: You should know.
:Scarface: I thawt I thaw a putty tat!

A Bullet For Bullock

:Alfred: We are speaking of the same person, are we not? Harvey Bullock? The detective who looks like an unmade bed?
:Montoya: Bullock? You okay? You don’t look so good. I mean, you never look good, but today you look worse.

The Lion And The Unicorn

:Red Claw: Londoners, your ancient city may pride itself on having survived plagues, fires, even the Blitz, but unless five billion pounds are delivered to me by midnight tonight, there will be nothing left to survive. We have Blairquan Castle and its missile installation, and the codes to operate the missiles. You have one hour. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to plant this warhead in the middle of Trafalgar Square, and if I do that, well… (Chuckles) God save the Queen.
:”[Alfred breaks a chair over a thug's head.]
:Robin: And here all I thought you dusted was furniture.
:Alfred: A Louis Quinze; what a pity.

Source: Wikiquote